Mar 3, 2007

Little Miss Lonely Pants

I just feel sick.

No, not in a I'm-puking-my-guts-out-and-feel-like-crapping-my-pants kind of way, although having that leftover taco for breakfast wasn't the best idea I've had in my lifetime. I awoke this morning with a horrible feeling of anxiety, even before I realized I was awake, and I haven't been able to shake it. I've been wandering about the house, feeling nervous,depressed and jumpy and it's getting worse as the day goes on.

I really don't know what is going on with me. Maybe my friends are right, I'm in a state of grieving, and it's going to take some time to get through all the steps. But, it's been a week since the break-up, and although I feel like my anger about being dumped, and my anger and pity for myself is subsiding, other not-so-nice feelings and emotions are just taking the place of the anger and frustration.

One of my first thoughts this morning was that, all of a sudden I have more free time than I know what to do with. After tonight, I can't afford to go out for awhile, and I'm going to need to stay in. Normally, this wouldn't bother me so much, and I know that I have alot I can do around here to stay busy and be creative, and a few nights at home will be good for my sleep deprived body. But, I haven't been doing so good, being alone.

I was alone for years. For the most part, I loved being by myself, having no one to answer to, going out when I felt like it, enjoying being an independant spirit. But now that I've had a taste of what it's like having a partner in crime of sorts, having that someone to just hang out with, laugh with, and talk to everyday....that comfort, that you are not alone in the world, and you have someone who is willing to jump in and help you in any way you need it.....well, it makes it hard to want to go back to being alone. It makes the thought of now having all this "free time" somewhat unbearable. I have proven to myself, that I can take care of myself, and everything will always work out in the end, but the thought of having to start all over again, once this depression subsides, well, that's when the anxiety sets in.

I shouldn't feel lonely. I am surrounded by good people all day long. My girlfriends have been amazing, putting up with my incessant phone calls, my ranting, my crying, my self-loathing. Everyone has been carrying out their duties as friends and family to a tee, listening and consoling, and even giving me supreme shit if necessary, just like I would do for them if they were in this situation. Although I love them for that, and I do feel lucky, I just can't shake this feeling that I have, this fear of being on my own. Not yet. But, it will come. Right?

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