Well, another year has come and gone.
Although it may not look like it on the surface, over the past few months, I feel that I really have changed, and for the better. I don't know how, why or exactly when it happened, but I now truly believe my motto "everything will be alright in the end, and if it's not better, it's not the end." The inner me is so much more content, relaxed, laid back, and really doesn't give a flying fuck about all the little things that used to drive me absolutely batty on a daily basis. Although I still have some rough "God I hate myself, life sucks" days, which everyone does, I no longer worry about what people think of me, my looks, my personality. I no longer worry about not conforming to what I thought society wanted me to be. I realize that it's okay that I'm not sure about the whole settling down, getting married, having babies, and having the same job for eternity thing, because I'm not the only one who has doubts about that...and let's be honest, I just might not be the girl that should be doing that anyways. I realize that what makes me happy, is having new adventures and experiences, no matter how big or small, and just doing my own thing, whether it be off on a trip, or sitting in my room at the computer, or out and about with friends. I now have my confidence back, and feel that I really can do whatever the hell it is that I decide to do, today, 6 months from now, or Saturday night at The Pub.
Of course, life isn't perfect, and there are still things to be dealt with, and there are some issues in my life that just may never be resolved. But that's OK. I just can't let myself stress over them constantly. Nothing gets accomplished that way.
Now, I don't believe in making New Year's resolutions. I feel that in doing so, most of the time, we are setting ourselves up for personal failure. I can make a resolution to myself on any other day of the year, and feel less pressured to see it through. However, this year, there are some things that are going to change, and hopefully they will all work out. If not, there's always more time.
Firstly, I know in my soul, that I cannot do the job I have been doing for much longer. My time there has run its course, and for myself, the residents, and whomever wants my job, it's time to move on to something or somewhere different once winter is over. That could very well be the biggest change, that causes me the most anxiety, as I have been there for 5.5 years now, and I've become quite comfortable in knowing that I can re-arrange the schedule as I like, drink as much coffee as I want, take a smoke break whenever I need to, and well, in general, do whatever the hell I want, as long as I get my work done. I don't know how I would handle a workplace with scheduled breaks, or where I wouldn't have any control over how many hours I work, etc. I've been spoiled!
Secondly, it's time to take a break from The City. I love it here. I will be back no matter what. It's also time to move on from The House of Pain unfortunately, and that saddens me a bit, although it might not sadden the others! :) I can't live here forever, although, if I did, V-Man and TypicalQuirk could enjoy the comforts of a live-in maid/nanny/odd job do-er for the rest of their lives! I would charge never-ending coffee and free reign over one room of the house. Seriously though, I need to buy a vehicle I can live in, and take off for the summer with my camping gear and my address book, and just enjoy nature and the open road.....and hopefully figure out what I want to do, and where I want to go, whilst doing so! If you'd like to join me, let me know.
And lastly, of course, I AM GOING TO LOSE 20 POUNDS, I AM GOING TO QUIT SMOKING, I AM GOING TO STOP CHEWING MY NAILS, and whatever other disgusting habits I need to cut down on. But really, I truly do want to do these things, and I promise to myself, and no one else that I will get them done. If I let myself down, I can deal with it, if someone else becomes disappointed after I promise them I will quit an annoying habit, I run the risk of listening to NAG NAG NAG,BLAH BLAH BLAH....and well, I just don't want to. So there.
I hope everyone had a kick-ass Xmas and New Year's and Hannukah and Kwanzaa and whatever else you people celebrate, and all is well with the lot of you in 2006.