Dec 28, 2010

Grace in Small Things #60

1. I have not had a cigarette in 14 days.

2. I have not given into the insane cravings to go out and buy a pack. Or two. Or three.

3. Three more days, and we'll be heading to Salt Spring Island to ring in the new year.

4. Husband is almost done his project.

5. Christmas money.

Dec 27, 2010

Grace in Small Things #59

1. Clean sheets.

2. Pants that are way too big.

3. Feeling creative, and having the time to do something about it.

4. Green leaves and bloomed flowers in December.

5. Leftover pork roast.

Dec 23, 2010


I don't know what it is about Christmas that turns me in to such a Grinch. Christmas used to be so much fun. It was three days of eating, and playing with my cousins, and visits with Santa, and getting presents and singing carols. As I got older, it all stayed the same, but the addition of alcohol around the 7th or 8th grade, and a new tradition of flaming Sambuca shots every Xmas Eve, just made it all even better than before.

I guess things change. My dad died, and my mom sold the farm and that changed our immediate family's Christmas traditions immensely. My cousins started getting married and having kids and moving away. I worked with mentally challenged people...they don't stop being handicapped just because it's Christmas, and their families don't always invite them home just because they're family. The group home girls and I have spent a few Christmases together, eating and laughing and snuggling on the couch, and eating some more.  I will miss that this year, just as much as I will miss seeing my cousins and aunts and uncles on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at the same old places they always are.

After I got married, my mom told me that it was time for Smyrish and I to start our own traditions. She knew that we wouldn't always be able to be with her, or his dad, or his mom, all at the same time. She told me that things will keep changing, especially if we decide to have kids. Whenever I feel bad about missing out, I think of what she said. Smyrish and I haven't really had a chance to start our own holiday traditions yet, but we will, and all I can hope is that they are just as much fun as the ones I grew up with. I hope that if I am ever a mother, Santa will come to visit on Xmas Eve, and on Xmas Day, we will still all get a little tipsy and drunk dial relatives to sing them Christmas carols. I hope that I can be the one to make the big meal one day, just to try it out, and see how stressful it really is to feed your entire extended family.

Until then, Christmas will most likely remain the most stressful, guilt-ridden time of year for me. If I'm not rushing around visiting everyone and spending all my money on things people may or may not appreciate or want, I am away from them, and feeling guilty that I didn't put in enough effort to be together. Oy vey.

**BTW, I'm having another Etsy sale, just for the holidays.  Check out all the details here

Dec 19, 2010

Grace in Small Things #58

1. Getting to know other craft people on the Internet, and making connections.

2. Having a place to talk about all my handmade business.

3. An extra large hot chocolate from 7-11 with lots of mini-marshmallows in it.

4. The "Across the Universe" soundtrack.

5. I have not had a cigarette in 5 days. I also stopped crying all the time.

6. Puppies who eat carrots.

7. Curling up to watch "House" every night with my man.

Dec 17, 2010

Jealous of Your Cigarette

For the third time in 4 months, and the 46th time in 15 years, I am attempting to quit smoking cigarettes for good. I am heading into Day 4, and life has never been better. I have absolutely no finger nails left and have started to chew the skin off where they once were, my eyes are swollen and pussy from hours of crying over completely unknown reasons out of nowhere, I bump into everything, my skin is crawling, I am a total bitch, I want to kill myself, I'm having nightmares, and there are babies crawling on the ceiling. Okay, so there are no babies crawling on the ceiling, but there might as well be. I feel like a fucking junky.

The thing is, I know I can quit, 'cause I've quit before. It was hard. It was horrible. I didn't like it one bit. I almost always started up again because of the depression and the moodiness. It's hard to go to work, or do anything, when you aren't sure if you are going to burst into tears at any given moment, for any given reason. This time though, I have no job. I don't live with anyone that smokes. My large social circle has shrunk to a small triangle. My funds are limited. I am living somewhere where smoking truly is frowned upon. I can feel my body getting older, and I know that not smoking will help me feel better. I have a nicotine inhaler that sometimes helps me get through those nic-fit moments. (Although I have considered just eating the nicotine tablets...yes, I know that would kill me, but I think it might help.) I have a husband who not only puts up with all of the above withdrawal "symptoms", but hugs me, and understands me, and tells me positive things. If he wasn't here...well, if he wasn't here, I'd be going and buying a carton of cigarettes, and just giving up on myself.

Anyways, so it's been hard so far. I wish I could be like all those bazillions of people out there that quit smoking and it was so freakin' easy for them, they put their mind to it, and never even craved it again. At most, it took three days, and then they were running marathons and chairing the lung cancer association. They all hate smokers now, and pity us, and goddamn do they get on my nerves, but I wish this could be easy for me too. I really do.

I know that I cannot drink alcohol if this is to work out, and it's a good thing drinking isn't really part of my life since moving away. ( I have had  TWO beer since leaving Regina. ) Alcohol lowers my inhibitions, and is the reason I started up again last time. There is nothing better in my mind than having a case of beer and a pack of cigarettes, and that truth is sick and twisted. There has got to be something better in life, and I need to figure that out. I'm hoping that this trip away from everything and everyone will help me clear my head and help me figure out a healthy way to make myself happy. To be happy, and not have to reward myself for being happy with drugs and alcohol. If I am to drink, or even have the occasional cigarette, it should be as a treat to myself, not a damn lifestyle.

Cigarettes have been a part of me since I was 16 years old. When I started smoking, I stopped cutting my hands and arms up when I was upset. When I quit smoking, the first thing I think of doing when I'm nic-fitting is hurting myself to distract myself. It's scary. I feel like I lost my best friend. My bad-influence, unhealthy, loser best friend, that I loved despite all her flaws. Everything I have ever done has involved cigarettes in one way or another, and it's hard to change your whole way of change yourself, overnight. Or it is for me anyways. I'm not all that strong when it comes to looking after myself.

For now, I'm just going to try and chew on something other than my fingers, keep a roll of toilet paper near to wipe the tears, and hope this passes, or at least diminishes a little bit sometime before I'm old and gray.

Dec 12, 2010

What's Up

This week has been both lazy and busy. I've been mostly cooped up in the camper due to an insane amount of rain this week, but we did get out to Beacon Hill Park for the day today, and hung out by the ocean and took the pups for a walk. It was good to get out, even in the rain. 

Other than that, I've spent my week cooking and doing laundry and annoying people all over the internet trying to sell my Etsy stuff. 

I also started a new blog today, that will be mostly Etsy/craft related, so I won't have to talk shop as much over here, although I will link to it when necessary. The new blog is Go check it out if ya like. 

I was going to write a post, but now I'm tired and it's 2am, so I'll be back tomorrow.


Dec 9, 2010

A Post in Which I Reveal a Dirty Little Secret

I blame my dad, and his penchant for bringing home issues of the National Enquirer with the covers ripped off from the confectionery store in town for starting me on this downward spiral. It wasn't long after I started making my own money from babysitting and such that I started buying my own, as well as issues of Cosmopolitan. At an early age I was hooked on these trashy gossip rags, and it hasn't gotten any better, what with the vast selection that we have now. Back in the day, all you really had to choose from was the Enquirer or Star Weekly, and Burt and Loni and Tammy Faye were the only ones that had major drama to write about...and now they are everywhere, and everyone gets their 15 minutes.

I first was called out on my trashy magazine obsession  collection fondness, in the early 2000's at a party at my old house. My friend Renee ran into my bedroom and discovered the PILES of Cosmo back issues on the floor, sofa, bed and proceeded to make fun of me. She was shocked that someone like me would read such drivel. I explained that I didn't read it to get dating/beauty tips, or because I thought it was exceptional literature, but it was a form of entertainment for me, a way to give my brain a break, but still read. That was the honest to god truth.

It took a couple years, but I grew tired of Cosmo and its repetitiveness. I had to find something else to read when stressed, bored or when I couldn't sleep. Although I am an avid reader of books ( I average two a week), I realized that sometimes you just want to curl up on the couch or in bed and think about somebody else other than yourself. The job of a celebrity is to entertain you, and reading about their relationships, drug problems, pregnancies, and diva antics is entertaining whether they want to admit it or not. Thus, my tabloid magazine obsession was officially born.

The past couple years, I have spent hundreds of dollars on the damn things. Life & Style and Star get the most money from me, only because their cover prices are lower. I don't favor a certain publication more than another, I love them all equally. I find that I am reading them often enough that I can pick out conflicting stories, old paparazzi photos that are passed off as recent, if someone wore the same dress to two different events, and seriously if only Lindsay Lohan would just call me, I could help her out with an ear to listen and a slap in the face.

I know full well that the vast majority of stories about celebrities are bull-shit. I don't even know who half of the people are, because I don't watch 90% of the popular shows on television. (Seriously, who  is Taylor Momsen and what does she do? Emma Stone? Melissa Rycroft? Ali Fedotowsky? Why were they all at the same Justin Timberlake golf tournament? Why does JT golf? I thought only hockey players and Alice Cooper golfed...I'm confuzzled. Yeesh.) The last episode of The Hills proved that "reality" shows are not real at all (Thank you, Hills.), but yet I'm transfixed. When I'm standing in line at the grocery store, I can't help but read the headlines. By the time it's my turn to pay, I've decided that I need to know what Amber from Teen Mom did this time, if Brad if finally leaving that freak Angelina, and if the Glee kids really do have orgies in their trailers between takes.

It gets worse. When I first get home and find the time to read my new magazine, I only read the articles that I found interesting in the first place. Within the next couple days, I've read the articles I didn't care about, such as anything to do with a Kardashian (seriously, more useless than Paris Hilton), the Jersey Shore/DWTS/Bachelor, or any other show I don't watch ( in most cases have never watched.) Then, I re-read it. I keep stacks of these tabloid magazines for months. I re-read them over and over and over. They are my bedtime reading, my way of turning my brain off for 30 minutes before it is ready to sleep. I don't get rid of them until a) I am truly bored of them, and need to comb through and cut out pics for scrabble tile pendants, or b) my husband cleans up and throws them away. Who the hell reads the same Twilight/Brangelina/Kendra Wilkinson/Jersey Shore article 20 times over? This girl, right here. I know, it's sick.

I have been told by people more money-conscious than myself that I don't have to buy these magazines. Each one has their own site, with all the same stories on it, and sometimes more. The internet is free, apparently. What these people don't understand is, that I know that. I spend a morning every week catching up on I occasionally will check out if I'm bored. Yahoo News usually has a couple good links every few days too. But it's just not the same. I cannot comfortably lay in bed eating popcorn and curl up with a good web page, nor is it safe to take into the bathtub.  The magazine can be moved easily, folded, and it doesn't stop working if I fall asleep and drop it in hot water.

So yes, I am a tabloid junky, and I don't care who knows it. If knowing this makes you question whether or not you can be my friend, I hope that if I tell you that I think all the Twilight kids are ugly, Kristen Stewart is a worse actor than Gene Simmons, and I will never give Perez Hilton's blog a second of my time, because he's a total douchebag, makes you feel better. Now, I'm going to make some tea, and find out from OK! if Taylor Swift truly is dating Maggie Gyllenhaal's little brother.

Grace in Small Things #57

1. My hair is finally starting to grow. It's almost at my shoulders now. By summer, I may actually have long hair.

2. Sun showers.

3. Having friends who let their house be my mailbox.

4. Christmas plans with the aforementioned awesome mailbox friends.

5. Having fun searching the internet for cool things to do for New Years.

6. The locals here tell me Spring starts at the end of January. Hear that Saskatchewan? BC gets spring in JANUARY. I'm beyond excited.

7. Hats. I'm not even going to worry about my bad hair day. I found my hats.

8. I was super excited about wearing my flip-flops in October, and here we are in December, and I brought them out again. Of course, it's a little too wet to wear them on walks, but whatevs.

9. Business tips and constant support and encouragement from my cousin David. He wants me to succeed more than I do, and that's motivation right there.

10. Having a husband that knows how to get rid of the aphids in my plants.

Dec 7, 2010

Days Like Today

I love days like today. Busy, but quiet, and all the business is enjoyable. Making jewelery, taking photos, chatting on Twitter, and making homemade soup to make my husbands cold go away. Also made money...thank you, Etsy customers. You are helping to pay my SGI insurance and truck payments this month. This evening I will write and drink Sleepytime tea, and watch the rest of House, season two. By bedtime, I will be afflicted with many new ailments, but hopefully will be cured tomorrow.

Hope you had a good day too.

Grace in Small Things #56

Knowing that even though money is tight right now, everything is paid for, we have food, and we have each other. Things will get better soon.