Nov 28, 2008

Grace in Small Things #1

The other day, as I was catching up on every one's weblog entries of the past week or so, I noticed that a whole lot of people are joining in on Schmutzie's "365 Days of Grace Challenge".

I am not exactly a follower, so I didn't join in. It was a nice idea, but I didn't think that I could think of a list of nice things every day to be thankful for.

Then I realized, that that is exactly why I should do it.

I spend too much time thinking and talking about the things that upset me, annoy me, and just in general drive me freakin' crazy. I don't always have something nice to say, even though I know it's there. Not everything in life sucks, the majority of things are wonderful and lovely, I just don't always pay attention in my day to day go-to-work-clean-the-house-listen-to everyone-bitch-and-complain-never-get-a-moment-to-myself life.

There is no way I can do the whole 365 day thing all in one shot. I don't even have computer access some days. However, I think I can shoot for once a week at the very least, and I will continue on until I've done 365 of these lists. Maybe it will be good for me. Let us cross our fingers.

Today, I am grateful for......

Smyrish. I am so lucky to have found someone who loves me in spite of all my quirks.

The fact that my mom is healthy and well.

My ability to speak and write out my frustrations. I spend every day with people who are unable to communicate their wants and needs, their frustrations, or why they are sad/mad/happy, and never will be able to communicate as effectively as I try to.

Well, it's a short list to start out with, but it is, a start.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Nov 14, 2008

Friday Night.

This is what I do on a Friday night when I'm home alone, drinking leftover beer from last weekend,there is nothing good on "Fridays Without Borders", and I can't find a mix tape that I had a dream about. I search out the mix tape on the Interweb. Thank you YouTube for my Belle and Sebastion fix.

Nov 13, 2008

My Home, Is Your Home.

I saw this over at Eat, Bitch and Whine, and felt intrigued. Maybe it's the beer/gravol combo I'm ridin' high on at the moment, but I really had to wonder...what does my home say about me? Is it talking behind my back? Does it like me?

I soon found out, that this itty bitty quiz had nothing to do about my homes feelings at all, it was about me. Oh, and apparently, I can't read very well. :)-

What Your Home Says About You
You come across as very intellectual. People take your wisdom seriously.

Your hygiene is passable, but you may be hiding some dirty secrets.

You are a very domestic person. You enjoy decorating, cooking, and making things homey.

You are a very nurturing person. You find meaning in taking care of others.

You don't feel settled in your life yet. You are scrambling to figure things out.

You are a very self sufficient person. You can get along well without much help.

Your friends see you as accommodating, peaceful, and forgiving.

I think that's fairly accurate. Man, the interweb is smart. It's like it knows me.

A Rant Against Time.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I've always been a sensitive girl, but this is getting ridiculous. Last week, I freaked out because of a comment about mayonnaise, and ended up having a horrible day because of it (thankfully, I deleted that blog post before anyone saw it) , and tonight, I lose it because Smyrish noticed my wrinkles around my eyes, thus, I am sleeping on the couch, because I'm too embarrassed and stubborn to go to my bed.

When it comes to my body, and the changes it has made, I am, I admit, overly-sensitive. I am trying to lose weight, and it's not happening. Taking care of the hair on my upper lip has become more of a hobby than a nuisance. My stretch marks, are more pronounced. The tits? They're down to the floor, along with my ass. My wrinkles, are obvious, and I hate them. And yes, I know, that if I wore sunblock and didn't smoke, I probably wouldn't have them anyways.

Which brings me to my point, I think. There was a time, not long ago, when I didn't have to think about the things that I did, or the effects they had on me and my body.

I had all the time in the world, to be unhealthy, party, travel, work, and in general just fuck the dog all the live long day.

I could party all night, and still function at work the next day.

I could smoke and burn in the sun all I wanted, and never thought twice about getting a damn wrinkle, or god forbid, cancer.

I could eat all I wanted, and know that I'd burn it off somehow.

I could waste money and time, however I saw fit, just because it made me happy, and not worry about the consequences, until it was absolutely necessary.

I'm afraid of wasting time now, although I do it so well.

When I was 23, I couldn't wait to be 30. I thought that by now, everything would have worked itself out, and I'd have my head together, and life would be fucking glorious. No more self-torture, no more dating problems, a shitload of self-confidence, and a good head on my shoulders. That's what 23 year old me thought I was gonna be.

In some ways, I am better than 23 year old me. I really have learned from some of my mistakes and experiences. But for the most part, I haven't changed a bit. The insecurity is still there. The fear of being bored with life, never goes away. The confidence comes in and out of my life like that friend that you don't really see that often, and aren't that upset about.

I'm going to be 30 in January.

There were so many things I was going to do. So many places I was going to go. I haven't finished yet, there just wasn't time. I am not even going to have the money, or the time off from work to celebrate my 30th as I had planned. And that's all my fault.

Thirty hasn't even hit yet, and all I am worried about is time. That there isn't enough time left. I'm not 23 anymore, I'm 29, and I have just realized that I am not immortal. When is it time to have a baby? When is it time to settle down? Is there time to work and play all in the same day? How do I find the time to visit people I love and miss? If I take the time to have adventures, where does the money come from for 'real life' needs? What the hell am I supposed to be doing here?

I feel so much pressure to have all the answers, and have everything figured out. But really, nobody is pressuring me, except me. And I don't even know why. I think that I can easily blame everything on my body issues, because that's easier. It's easier to feel ugly, than feel lost and confused.

My god. Look at the time. It's 2:40am. I better try and get some sleep, otherwise there will be no time to relax before I have to go to work in the afternoon.

Nov 4, 2008

Cough, Gag, Snort, Itch, Fart

Dear Immune System,

I don't know if you have realized this, but lately, you have really been slacking in the germ fighting department. You have always been so on top of things, and I respected you for that, even bragged about you, but the past few months, I have found that you just aren't up to snuff.

I have had countless colds, coughs, sinus problems, ear aches, stomach ailments, skin rashes, and just in general feel like shit, the majority of the time.

Is something wrong? Are you stressed? Am I surrounding you with too many germ-filled humans, to the point where you just don't know where to start? Is there something I can do to help? Sleep more? Take my vitamins? Quit wearing flip-flops after the sun goes down?

If so, please let me know. You can contact me at the couch, or on the toilet, or anywhere there are Kleenex tissues present.

Hoping for a quick reply,

Love, Abigail