Jan 23, 2012

Anger, Sadness and Moving On

I've been dreading this past weekend for months. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I have realized that I am a very angry, jealous person, and I need to get a handle on things because it's starting to affect me physically. Stress and sadness are an evil combination. I AM MAD AT ALL THE THINGS.

The past few months went by so fast. We could have been parents right now. But we aren't, and honestly, I highly doubt we ever will be. I'm not being negative, I'm being factual. When you do the math and the science, there isn't any probable reason why we shouldn't have at least a couple kids by now. It's time to try and move on. We can't go on like this. I don't want to be angry at all the women I know who are ready to pop any moment, and I can't get angry at friends who can conceive whenever they want to. It isn't doing me any good to get mad every time I go on Facebook and see people complaining about how hard it is to be 9 months pregnant, because honestly I would kill to be in their shoes right now. I expected that I would be in their shoes right now. But like I said, it isn't doing me any good. It's driving me crazy, and it is unhealthy, and I KNOW that I am better and stronger than that.

We have decided not to do any fertility treatments. I don't trust it, and even after you take out the financial hardship of it all, I don't think that mentally I am strong enough to put myself through it. I don't know what we'll do. We've talked about being foster parents, we've talked about adoption. Who knows, maybe we'll end up being that couple that spends all their money travelling and taking pictures of their food. Maybe we will get pregnant again and nature will deem us to be good enough to procreate, and carry on our family lines.

I'm still angry with Nature, and I'm still not happy about your pregnancies, and all you people that have it so damn easy, but that will pass. I'm working on it. We are still mourning the life I thought I was bringing into the world. The baby that we named and made birth plans for and planned a whole new life around, that we don't get to have. We are mourning our future plans, and frantically trying to come up with new ones.

But, life is good right now. I have the best husband. In my wildest dreams I never thought that I would be lucky enough to have a partner like him. I have a supportive and fabulously silly family. I have two goofy dogs. I have so many friends. I love my house, I love where I live, I love my day job, and all my little projects I have on the side too. It's very hard to think of something that isn't all kinds of awesome in my life.

It's time to let myself start healing, and enjoying things wholeheartedly again. Wish me luck. 

Jan 15, 2012

Grace in Small Things #71

1. I am so grateful to work with a team of people who encouraged me to stay home for a few days and get healthy. No guilt trips, no rolling eyes, not even a hint of anger on their part....they just accept the fact that employees get sick, and they want them to get better so they can do their best and feel their best when they come back.

2. Being sick with Smyrish. It's been nice to laze about the house together and watch movies, even though we're coughing and sneezing and constantly blowing our noses. It's forced quality time.

3. Having a heated bathroom floor. The dogs seem to like it too.

4. The sun is shining, and the snow looks so pretty.

Jan 2, 2012

Taking Down the Tree

Smyrish and I put up our very first Christmas tree together this December, and hosted our first Christmas dinner as well. Neither of us have been big Christmas people since we have met. For one, we are not religious in any way, and secondly the holiday is too hectic and expensive. Once we were married, there were too many opportunities for hurt feelings, driving on bad highways, stress, and angry relatives and co-workers that we pretty much just gave it up, and took ourselves out of the game. No one seemed to notice, and it suited us just fine.

This year felt different though. I think that in part, we were feeling more in the Xmas spirit because we were going to be alone. Our immediate families are all in Saskatchewan, and there is always that feeling of "missing out" that plagues me when I can't be everywhere doing everything and seeing everyone. We really do miss them all, and knowing that you don't know when we'll see them again makes you really appreciate people. I think the main reason for feeling all festive, although I didn't think of it at the time, was the fact that we are HOME. For the first time since we moved in together, we know that we are settled. There really wasn't a point in decorating, or having a tree or anything for the first few years we lived together, because I was usually working, and if I wasn't we would spend Xmas at the home of one of our many parents. Then we had our little adventure last year, which really made us appreciate the finer things in life, like having a permanent place to send your mail, and indoor plumbing.

I have always wrestled with the thought of being "settled" in to one place. Settled was boring, it was giving up on life, and closing your mind to new opportunities for adventure. After this past year, I now know that that is only true if you make it so. Being settled is being comfortable, and not in a "I'm giving up" kind of way. Smyrish and I have worked hard to figure out where we want to be.

So, as I drag that dead tree through the living room and throw it out on the lawn today, I will know that even though we have been through more than our fair share of crap in the past year, I wouldn't change a thing, because it got us to where we are right now. We are home, and we are happy, and life is good.

Jan 1, 2012

One of Those Days

I was woken up way earlier than I wanted to be up, but I decided that ringing in the New Year with some coffee and Bailey's wouldn't be a bad idea. While I was searching for the Bailey's, I decided that pancakes and bacon were a good idea too. It has only gone downhill from there.

No matter what I did, the pancakes just kept sticking to the pan. I decided that ugly pancakes were better than no pancakes and powered through the making of breakfast. When I finally had my breakfast on my plate, the dogs started vomiting up some odd substance, that apparently was just as yummy the second time around. I decided to leave them to the floor cleaning, and set my coffee and plate up in the living room, and settled in to spend the day on the couch watching Degrassi High on Netflix only to learn that Netflix is having some sort of trouble getting it's money out of our account, and the only person who can fix this problem is the husband, who is out hunting for treasure. Not wanting to be a negative Nelly, I told myself that if I couldn't watch Degrassi, I could at least have a luxurious bath in our luxurious bathtub. I scampered on up the steps, and as I filled the bath, I found a book to read and turned up the heated floor and smiled to myself for coming up with such a wonderful idea, but when I went to step in the tub, I realized that there wasn't any water in it, and the plug was not doing its plugging duties. After 10 minutes of fighting with the plug, I sat down in the empty tub and washed my hair, thinking that at least if I was clean, I would feel better. I do not. 

I think I'm going to go back to bed and start over again later. Happy 2012 everyone!