Jan 23, 2012

Anger, Sadness and Moving On

I've been dreading this past weekend for months. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I have realized that I am a very angry, jealous person, and I need to get a handle on things because it's starting to affect me physically. Stress and sadness are an evil combination. I AM MAD AT ALL THE THINGS.

The past few months went by so fast. We could have been parents right now. But we aren't, and honestly, I highly doubt we ever will be. I'm not being negative, I'm being factual. When you do the math and the science, there isn't any probable reason why we shouldn't have at least a couple kids by now. It's time to try and move on. We can't go on like this. I don't want to be angry at all the women I know who are ready to pop any moment, and I can't get angry at friends who can conceive whenever they want to. It isn't doing me any good to get mad every time I go on Facebook and see people complaining about how hard it is to be 9 months pregnant, because honestly I would kill to be in their shoes right now. I expected that I would be in their shoes right now. But like I said, it isn't doing me any good. It's driving me crazy, and it is unhealthy, and I KNOW that I am better and stronger than that.

We have decided not to do any fertility treatments. I don't trust it, and even after you take out the financial hardship of it all, I don't think that mentally I am strong enough to put myself through it. I don't know what we'll do. We've talked about being foster parents, we've talked about adoption. Who knows, maybe we'll end up being that couple that spends all their money travelling and taking pictures of their food. Maybe we will get pregnant again and nature will deem us to be good enough to procreate, and carry on our family lines.

I'm still angry with Nature, and I'm still not happy about your pregnancies, and all you people that have it so damn easy, but that will pass. I'm working on it. We are still mourning the life I thought I was bringing into the world. The baby that we named and made birth plans for and planned a whole new life around, that we don't get to have. We are mourning our future plans, and frantically trying to come up with new ones.

But, life is good right now. I have the best husband. In my wildest dreams I never thought that I would be lucky enough to have a partner like him. I have a supportive and fabulously silly family. I have two goofy dogs. I have so many friends. I love my house, I love where I live, I love my day job, and all my little projects I have on the side too. It's very hard to think of something that isn't all kinds of awesome in my life.

It's time to let myself start healing, and enjoying things wholeheartedly again. Wish me luck. 


Julian@connectedmom said...

Anger is part of the healing. It's ok to be angry at all these things. 

It's also ok to enjoy the life you have right now. This part is harder than the anger, because it feels weird to miss someone so much it hurts while going on with life. 

To my mind you ARE parents. Just because your baby isn't in your arms doesn't mean you are any less a mother, or zach less a father, than parents with a living child. The feelings of love and joy, sadness, heartbreak, and anger; you felt those as a mother and once you have that title it can never be taken away. 

Sorry I am getting all gushy on you now. If you ever want to talk I am here. K says hello and sends his love. 


miss.nicola said...

Good luck hun.

Abigail Road said...

Oh, Jules, you're making me cry. Thanks for the kind words, it really is nice to hear.

Amber said...

:( Awe Anna. I couldn't imagine the pain you've been through.

I know you probably have all too many people with their two cents. Coming from an adoptee and a mom, seriously consider adoption. It's apparently a long process, but so is everything. I believe if you want children to be a part of your lives, you have to make it happen somehow. I don't blame you about the fertility stuff, but adopted children are no less, your's.

Wish you the best through all of this, and strength in whatever decisions you make.

Schmutzie said...

Hearing you work through your grief has moved me to tears, which seems strange, because I never understood the yearning people have for children, but I've suffered losses that are similar, I suppose, and I know how brilliant life can be once you work through the really hard fucked up shit.

You're rocking it, Anna.