Oct 17, 2011

15 Things That Made Me Happy Today

1. The warm temperature and the sunshine.

2. Being invited out to karaoke by a new work friend.

3. Kissing my husband.

4. Watching Smyrish "churn" his own butter.

5.  Playing "Deal or No Deal" on Facebook.

6. Sitting outside with one of my clients watching airplanes fly by.

7. Watching Patches and Maggie wrestle on the slippery linoleum floor.

8. Egg salad sandwiches.

9. Having a flashlight to use, so I felt safe walking at night.

10. I can breathe out of one nostril.

11. I have lost 5 pounds.

12. The smell of campfire permeating the neighborhood.

13. The amazing Halloween decorations around these parts.

14. Having a "back up" travel mug to use for my coffee.

15. Reminiscing about Casey and Finnegan and Mr. Dressup.

Oct 9, 2011

Once Again.......

It's been a few years since the Fall Depression has hit me this hard. Actually, it's been a few years since I've felt this blackened at all. I've managed to keep myself pretty in check the past couple years, or so I think. It's strange how on the most beautiful of Autumn days, it just hits. Just like that. To be honest, I've been fighting it off for a few months now. I guess I just got lazy today and gave the guards a day off.

I've been annoying the hell out of myself so much lately that I am almost happy that my friends aren't here to put up with my mood swings, and at the same time it breaks my heart that my wonderful husband has to bear the brunt of it alone. As it has been my entire life, when I start feeling this way, instead of talking about it, or getting professional help, or telling somebody what I think might be the problem ( because honestly, I never actually know the whole story myself, only bits and pieces) I start getting nit-picky, and judgemental and things that aren't important in the slightest are suddenly the most stressful and frustrating things in the whole world. It's a coping mechanism that I developed early on, so I could push everyone far away, and not have to tell them what's bothering me. When people are angry or annoyed with you, they don't want to talk to you. This helps me keep my secrets and problems to myself, so I can try and find a way to self-soothe and be a god-damned hero or something. On the other hand though, it pushes people away, and the option of having somebody to talk to when you most feel you need them,  is gone altogether. It's a flawed plan and coping mechanism, I'll admit. I haven't actually figured out why I do it, or how to stop it. I decided today, that I need to get on that one. If I can answer that question for myself, I should be on the right track.

I am a fairly productive depressed person though. I still make it to work, I get all my chores done, I don't normally burst into tears or throw things in public. I've learned to be a high-functioning total fuck up, which is good, because I don't think I could just lay in bed all day and be sad, although that is what I'm doing right now. I'm already starting to get antsy, and it's only been an hour since I announced I wasn't eating supper and I was going to bed in the late afternoon.

So, bring on the St. John's Wort, the angry independent music, and many, many hours walking around talking to myself. This too shall pass, but this time, it's going to pass without the aid of cigarettes, alcohol, and a pub full of people in the same boat, and the main goal will be not alienating the one person I need out here.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Oct 4, 2011

Grace in Small Things #70

1. The internet. If it wasn't for the internet, I'd be lost and lonely.