Dec 13, 2012

Ermahgerd, I Hate Today

You know those days when you wake up early and all hopeful about your future and then some government employee bursts your bubble, poo-poo's all your business ideas and tries to make you into some boring office drone, nobody will listen to you at all and then there aren't any mushrooms in the fridge and you really wanted a mushroom and cheese omelette and then your Internet connection is a pile of shit and not only can you not watch Glee on Netflix, but you can't get photos to upload, and you're trying to post items on Etsy in the hopes that you can make some money, because your bank account is empty and you have to drive two provinces away to visit family and friends who choose to live in a barren frozen wasteland for some reason, but you realize you need a new camera and new light bulbs in your room because without them, your photos fucking suck anyways and there's nothing you can do about it until this business gets off the ground or you go back to working that job that you hate just for the regular paycheck, and then you make your husband mad because you say something not completely untrue but totally exaggerated just cause you're frustrated with life, after he tries to be nice and help you and then you cry into your supper, which really isn't all that good, because you feel like a total asshole and then you get menstrual cramps and somehow your thumb is incredibly sore and there's a weird vein sticking out of it but you have no idea why and there are smudges all over your glasses and you can't get them off, and you just want a fucking do-over on your whole stupid motherfucking day?

Yup, that would be today.

Nov 12, 2012

Grace in Small Things #75

I'm having one of those days. You know, one of those days where you're both happy and sad all at the same time and every minute is a different emotion. You think all is going good, and then you cry over lost thread, and then have a nice chat with the local hobo and that lifts your spirits, and then you remember you have fertility issues and nobody else around you does and cry again and then there's a funny video on Facebook and it's all sunshine and roses, and you enjoy a few minutes of silence before realizing that all of this is just a big waste of time because you have SO MUCH TO DO and you need to focus because there's SO LITTLE TIME. But really, all I wanna do is sit on my deck in the sunshine and get slammered. Yup, one of those days.

These are the days when GIST is important to me. This is the kind of day when I really need to stop and think and remind myself that life is amazing and I've got it real good.

Man, do I have it good right now, and this is why:

I get to choose to work from home, although I'm not making much money yet, it'll come, and the plan to keep on doing that is working out beautifully so far.

Since I get to work from home, I get to be with my husband and my dogs as much as I want. It makes all of us happy, to be together all day.

My husband is extremely supportive of me, and would rather pay for everything than have me go to a job that drains all my good energy and stresses me out. It was his idea for me to get cracking on starting my own business, and he spends a lot of time helping me out. He amazes me everyday.

As long as the bills are paid, and they always are, we can do whatever we want. We go for daily walks, we go swimming, we go to concerts and movies and karaoke. We do something fun, every single day. Some people just don't have the time for it, but we always make time.

I am looking out my window at the Olympic Mountains and the ocean right now. I can't always see them because of the fog, but today it is sunny and they are there. I love where I live. I love this weird little town, and the nature that surrounds it.

There, that's better. Have a good day, everyone.

Nov 3, 2012

I Had a Bad Dream

I think that the American election is starting to stress me out in ways that I didn't quite realize until early this morning. It seems that every day my eyes and ears are flooded by idiotic politicians in the news and the blogs from both Canada and the USA, annoying me with misquoted bible quotes, trying to take away basic rights of the people, and who just make me grumpy in general. So I guess having a dream like the one I had this morning isn't so crazy, considering the daily bombardment of these moronic imbeciles opinions in my daily life.

The dream took place the day after the American election next week. ( Oooooo, the future!!). In my dream, I woke up to my husband shaking me, telling me we had to get our things and go. I knew right away without asking that it had something to do with the previous days election, so didn't question my husband. I got up, grabbed a bag that was already packed by some magical fairy in Dreamland and we got in the truck and turned on the radio.The DJ told us that anyone that needed to get to safety and was ready to fight for their rights should head to a specific island. For us, it would be a few hours drive and then a couple hours by boat. We were in for a long journey.

As we drove we listened to the radio, and we learned that Mitt Romney and Stephen Harper had planned this all along and they were in cahoots. As soon as Mitt gained power, their plan went into action. Their plan was an actual war on anyone who disagreed with their views. Anyone who did not believe in their god or their politics, women, homosexuals, First Nations, and everyone else in between were under attack.

As we drove, we noticed the streets were full of armed militia. There were men and women strung up in trees with "Fag" and "Sinner" painted on them. There were fires everywhere. There were Occupy people everywhere with their protest signs. The radio said that neighbourhoods in Montreal, Toronto and LA were being bombed by their own governments. I was screaming that I wanted to find out if my family was okay because I couldn't get reception on my phone. It was fucking chaos.

I shot up with a gasp after forcing myself to wake up. I didn't want to dream that dream any longer. I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, so I got up and started my day.

I realize that it's just a dream, and that in all likelihood, nothing that extreme will happen in our country or the USA. But the rest of it is real. These right wing politicians ARE punishing us for not believing in their god. They ARE trying to take away civil rights. In a heartbeat, they would make homosexuality and abortion illegal. They don't want citizens to have easy access to healthcare or education or money. They want to have control of your relationships and your body. They don't care about climate change or the environment. It's all true, and it's all documented. They've said it, over and over.

We cannot allow them to have all the power. If we do, we're fucked, and not in a fun way, because they don't like that either. Simple as that.

Oct 16, 2012

Grace in Small Things #74

1. Soon, we will have a specialist that can help us figure out our baby making issues.

2. Being laid off has given me time to do what I really love to do, which is making clothing and pendants!

Woot! Life is good!

I Made Crackers!

I love the show Iron Chef. A couple years ago I realized that many times, the chefs and their challengers would whip up crackers to go with their meals, and I thought that was neat-o. I wondered aloud countless times over the past couple years how they made their looked so easy and tasty! The Iron Chefs never take more than a couple minutes to throw their crackers together, and I wanted to know how to do that.

I don't think about it often, but occasionally it has popped in my head and I remember that I am on a quest for a cracker recipe. Most of the recipes I have found are not easy, they take time and more than a couple ingredients. I love to cook, but if I wanted a complicated cracker, I'd have made one by now.

Last weekend, I made a delicious, from scratch spicy split pea soup, and wanted something starchy to go with it. We never buy soda crackers, and we rarely have bread or bread products in the house, so I either had to get out of my PJ's and go buy something, or make something at home. There wasn't time to bake bread, so I decided enough was enough, I was figuring out this whole cracker thing.

I ended up modifying a couple different recipes I found, and came up with a tasty, so easy my dog could do it cracker recipe. It went over so well, that I decided to whip up a few batches this afternoon so the husband and I had some snack foods on hand and weren't tempted to make any late night Shoppers Drug Mart runs for goodies. We're trying to save money for a trip to Saskatchewan and trim our waistlines, so being able to quench our cravings at home is a very good thing.

Here's the basic recipe:

2 cups of flour ( I have used all-purpose, whole wheat, rice and chickpea flour so far, all have worked very well!) 
1 cup of water
1/3 cup of olive oil

I added different Epicure Selections toppers and dip mixes to each batch I have made so far for flavour, as well as flax seeds and sesame seeds. I'm sure you could add anything your heart desires!

Rice flour w/flax seeds and Epicure's Garlicy Dill Topper and Chana flour with sesame seeds and Epicure's Curry Dip Mix.

 Put all the ingredients in the bowl and knead until you have a soft dough. Rice flour and chana flour are a bit different to work with, and you may need to use less water or more flour to keep it from getting too gooey. You do not want wet or gooey dough.

This jar is now designated as the "cracker rolling jar". Respect. 

Once the dough is ready, get out a large cookie sheet, and brush on a layer of olive oil to keep your crackers from sticking. Put your wad of dough in the middle of the cookie sheet. You are going to have to roll it very thin, to each corner and the sides. A traditional rolling pin is a pain in the ass for this job. I ended up using a small jam jar I had in the cupboard to roll the dough. It was much easier to roll the dough into the corners using the jar. Please Note: Rice flour can be frustrating to work with. It is very fragile. If you can't get it to roll, then just use your fingers to work the dough to the edges! 

Whole Wheat w/ flax seeds and Epicure's Chili Lime Sansel. 

Once you have your dough rolled onto the cookie sheet, you need to cut the dough into squares. Make sure to use a really sharp knife. I wrecked some of mine by trying to cut with a dull knife. 

All purpose flour w/ Epicure's Bacon Leek and Tomato Hot Dip Seasoning. Please excuse my disgusting oven. It's supposed to be self-cleaning, but its hygiene habits leave something to be desired. . 

Once they're all cut, pop those suckers in the oven at 375 degrees Celsius.  Go do something for awhile. I personally played Hanging With Friends on my phone while listening to The Ricki Lake Show while I waited, but really, that's up to you. Bake your crackers until they are either golden brown or "cracker" like. If they are still moist, keep on baking. You want these babies to be crispy.  The rice flour doesn't brown very well, so if you are using it, you will have to go by texture. Each dough is a bit different, so they can take anywhere from 15-30 minutes to be done. Do not try and speed up the process by using a higher temperature. You will burn them, and then you will be sad. Be patient! 

Rice flour w/ flax seeds and salt! 

Once finished, gently remove them from the cookie sheet and let them cool. If your husband or wife insists on eating them right out of the oven, let them. It's a good laugh.  Break them apart gently if any of them are still stuck together. This will be easy, because you have already pre-cut them. 

The finished product! 

When they're ready, make sure to store them in an airtight container, so they don't go stale, or just eat the whole thing while you watch an entire season of The Walking Dead on Netflix.

Bon Appetite!

*If you make any, please let me know how they turned out! :) 

Oct 1, 2012

Surviving Facebook After Multiple Miscarriages

The second I woke up, I just knew that the mild cramping from yesterday afternoon was more than just mild cramping from implantation. My boobs weren't hurting at all, and I knew if I went to the bathroom, I'd be spotting. To put off the inevitable, I rolled over and grabbed my iPhone off the night stand, and decided to lay there until I really HAD to get up and deal with this. Stupidly, I checked Facebook first. 

"Hi all, We have some AMAZING news, we are EXPECTING!!!!!!! 12 weeks!! I know I'm in shock too! I can't..." That's as far as I got. That particular person just had a second baby in January, the same week I was supposed to have my first baby. How was it fair that they were expecting a third child at the same time I was losing my third? I cried into my pillow and hugged my dogs, and forced myself to get up, tell my wonderful husband that we were losing yet another baby and get my ass to work. 

Awhile later during downtime at work, I checked Facebook again, making sure to avoid the person that had been announcing their pregnancy earlier that day, along with my usual avoidance of four friends who have just had a baby and seven friends and acquaintances who are expecting. (I've accepted the many friends who's babies are a few months old now, and have stopped blocking them.)  As I scrolled down through my news feed, I saw the same status again, and immediately it clicked that it was a "joke".

"Hi all, We have some AMAZING news, we are EXPECTING!!!!!!! 12 weeks!! I know I'm in shock too! I can't believe it myself! We weren't going to put it on facebook but wanted to make it official. :] I mean who would have guessed that we're expecting!! yup its official...we are expecting Santa in just 12 weeks!!! Re-post if you have any sense of humor!"

Ugh. I guess I don't have a sense of humour, because I find it completely inappropriate to be posting stuff like that. ( Spelling and grammar mistakes aside.) These sorts of status updates are right up there with homophobic hate speech and racism in my mind. If you think it's funny, consider yourself "un-friended". 

I don't expect the general public to be sensitive to women and men who have to go through what my husband and I have been going through the past year and a half. ( Five years if you count all the years of trying without any results). The vast majority of people I know personally, get pregnant without even trying, complain for nine months, and then have a healthy baby. Once the first one comes, they plan for the second, and so on, and everything goes off without a hitch. The thought of losing their child doesn't even cross their mind, and if it does, they keep it to themselves. Even though 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, nobody talks about it. Nobody wants to talk about it. It's uncomfortable and scary and whatever way you spin it, it's tragic. Hell, I never even THOUGHT about it until it happened to me. Now that I've graduated into the "recurrent" miscarriage club, it's all I seem to think about. 

Triggers for women who have suffered miscarriages, stillbirths and infant loss are everywhere, and we all have different triggers at that. The moment you experience loss, it seems that everyone around you becomes pregnant*, whether they be on TV, your best friends, co-workers, or strangers at the grocery store. Just the sight of a strangers huge pregnant belly has brought me to tears. Hell, I've even cried in line at the Shoppers Drug Mart after noticing that every single tabloid had a pregnant celebrity on it. Now, with Facebook being a huge part of our daily lives, it isn't just going into the community that can cause a woman, or her partner, to breakdown. Every single day we're flooded with status updates about sleepless nights, potty training, ultrasound pics, and birth announcements. We read all the complaints about pregnancy and parenting, and just wish that people realized how lucky they have it, and sometimes wonder if maybe we should offer to trade if they don't appreciate what they have or are going through. I personally have bitten my tongue on Facebook hundreds of times in the past year, and have chosen to block some people just so I could make it through the day, and stay friends with them. The positive updates are just as hard, because I would do anything to be in that same state of euphoria that they describe when talking about their "beans" and their births. 

In "real" life, I am now very open with people about my troubles with conceiving and with pregnancy loss. After our first loss, I wasn't sure if I should be. I had never heard anybody else talk about their losses, and I was very concerned about making my friends and family uncomfortable. In my mind, with the loss of our baby, they were grieving as well, and I didn't want to be a bother. As I tend to do, I kept to myself, and drove myself crazy in the process. When we experienced our second miscarriage, I promised myself I wasn't going to keep it to myself any more. I don't go ahead and announce it in a Facebook status, but if the subject comes up, I tell people why we don't have kids. I tell them that I'm in the middle of a miscarriage, or I tell them about the years of trying. I don't go out of my way but if somebody asks me why we don't have children, they are going to hear why and I'm not going to worry about making them uncomfortable, because they have already made me feel uncomfortable by judging me for being childless.

It is still taboo to discuss this subject on Facebook though, and I don't plan on starting to air my struggles for all of my 279 friends to see, for the same reason I don't complain about other things in my life on Facebook. IT'S ANNOYING to whine and complain, and I don't particularly want to annoy my friends. What I do want to do however, is make people aware and to teach them to stop and think before they post things like the above "joke" status, or breast cancer support status' that read something like "I'm 6 weeks and craving nachos!, or "I'm 14 weeks and craving pickles!". (That particular campaign sent me on a drinking binge, thank you very much). Some people are not as open as I am. They are silently grieving. They followed the "12 week rule" (which is bullshit, in my opinion) and didn't tell you they were expecting and they sure as hell aren't going to tell you they had a loss. There is nothing worse than losing a child who you've named and made a birth plan for, bought clothes for and told everybody about. The next time you want to "trick" the internet into thinking you're having a baby, think about how it would feel if you were in the position of someone who is suffering silently from a loss. If you think that you would still find it funny, then you are a stronger person than I ever will be, so go right ahead and click "post". 

Now, I'm not saying that people shouldn't have the right to post their baby news and photos and complaints of swollen ankles and hormonal wives on Facebook so please don't get all defensive on me. I'm sure that if I am ever blessed enough to have a baby live to full term I'll do the same to some degree. All I'm saying is, is that it's hard to deal with when you're part of the  miscarriage club. So,if you are someone who is going through the same thing as me and need some advice, here are a few tips that I have for you, that have helped me cope with on-line triggers.

Three Tips for Making Facebook Somewhat More Bearable After Miscarriage:

1. Block people if you have to, and unblock them whenever you're ready to do so, if ever. Don't feel bad about it, and don't tell them unless you feel you need to.  They might not like the idea of you not being happy for them or not wanting them in your news feed, but if they were put in your shoes they would most likely do the same. A true friend will understand and won't judge how you cope with your grief. 

2. Find an on-line support group. There are TONS of them out there, from every country, every city. Find one that fits your needs. The triggers I am talking about in this post are on-line, and you need to have somebody on-line to go to for support. If it wasn't for Unspoken Grief I don't think I would have made it through the past 14 months.  I visit the site, and the Facebook group daily. This past week, I have found the Recurrent Miscarriage/Multiple Miscarriage Support Group on Facebook to be extremely helpful. 

3. Don't feel like you have to "like" pictures of newborns or comment your congratulations on pregnancy or birth announcements if you feel uncomfortable doing so. Being jealous and angry is all part of the grieving process, and we don't have to pretend that we're happy for someone. Most likely, there will be so many "likes" and comments on such joyous news, that they won't even notice that you didn't do the same. I stick with my belief that true friends will understand your reasoning, and leave it alone. 

That being said, I'm going offline for the rest of the day to mentally prepare myself for another natural miscarriage, and celebrate what I do have with my furbabies, my loving husband, and a fresh cup of coffee, 'cause this one is disgustingly cold. 

*Although I'm not religious, I found this blog post explaining "The Phenomenon" to be my personal favourite on the subject:

If you have any tips for Surviving Facebook ( or other on-line communities )  after miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss I'd love to hear them and add them to the list! 

Sep 18, 2012

I Miss This Place

Wow. It's been awhile, hasn't it? I've been thinking about this lonely old blog for the past few weeks. I miss this place.

Shortly after the last miscarriage, I felt like this blog was getting to be too darn depressing. It's been a rough couple years, and to be honest, I only felt like writing when I was overwhelmed with sadness.  It was my outlet, but as I tend to do, I felt bad about heaping all my sadness and frustration about money and fertility on you, the internet, the same way I feel bad about heaping it all on people face to face. I don't want to be a bother, and I don't want to appear weak. So, I quit. I quit venting to my computer, and I quit venting to people in my life. That tactic, has gotten me nowhere. I have pretty much given up the daily worry of "Will I ever have a baby?" and am learning to come to terms with the fact that it just might not happen. I continue to fill with rage whenever somebody on Facebook is delighted to tell us all of their pregnancy, but I've learned to be honest with people about how I'm feeling, and they seem to be okay with that, or at least they pretend to be as they squirm uncomfortably.

The swing, at our favourite walking place, Whiffen Spit. 

It's been over a year now since we left Saskatchewan for good. We've really settled in to our new home, in Sooke, British Columbia, and until we can afford to move further south to somewhere warmer, we're here for the long haul. We just love it here.  We've made friends, ( and lost one of them this month, tragically), we love all the fun things there are to do around here, we love our house and our gardens and we're happy to have family like Bink and Knuckle Toes close by. We've been toying with the idea of getting a mortgage and finally realizing our dream of having a modest house, on some usable land by some water.

Sooke is a great place to be if you are creative. The people here are so incredibly supportive of creativity, and small business and people who work from home. This is a town of hard-working, mostly lower middle class people, who get their income from their small businesses and make work projects, and everyone likes to help each other out. People here like to trade and barter, and I think that's fantastic. You just don't see that as much as you used to, and you for sure don't see it in the city. It's been a struggle for me confidence wise, but thanks to some very supportive people I've met here, I'm starting to get my Abigail Road clothing and accessories business out there to the public, and I'm hoping that with a lot of hard work and brilliant networking, within the next couple years, that will be my job. Not my hobby, not my side business, my motherfucking job. That's all I've wanted since I was 16 years old, but I just never had the confidence to get myself out there like I needed to.

I feel like I'm getting back to being my old self. I want to have fun, all the time. I am looking forward to our future. I'm learning to let things go, and let people go, and to just not give a shit about the small stuff, although that's not always easy, and I don't always succeed. I want to try new things, and just live life to the fullest, like I used to. I might not be here tomorrow, and I don't want my last day on earth to be spent comparing what I have, to what others have, or crying over spilled milk. ( which I have literally done recently).

So there you have it, that's where I'm at today. This blog may be depressing at times, because it's sometimes the only place I can turn to. I'm sad about not being able to be a mama, I'm sad because friends and friends parents, and family just keep on dying, I get sad sometimes when I miss everyone back home. I'm going to write about all of those things at times. But hopefully, I'll get in the mood to write about our adventures, gardening, the search for the perfect acreage and silly things that happen day to day at Casa Abigail. It can't be all bad on the Road to Nowhere, now can it? ;)

Apr 15, 2012

Grace in Small Things #73

1. Getting back into swimming, almost daily.

2. Floyd's Diner on Sunday breakfast ever.

3. Watching my indoor garden a few weeks the tomatoes, onions, broccoli and peppers can all move outside.

4. The flowers I planted from seed are starting to come up. I'm such a proud mom.

5. The animations of the houses falling apart on "Massive Moves". Hilarious.

6. Having a say in what goes on at work, and knowing that I am appreciated, not hoping so.

7. Hell's Gate lager. A cheap beer that tastes good.

8. Seeing the Olympic Mountains from my house. They've been covered in fog all winter, and now they can be seen every day.

9. A neighbour I've never spoken to before gave us a Singer sewing machine and table in working order from 1948. We gave him a ride to the offsale in return, cause we roll like that.

10. Free BBQ! Can't wait to have people over to eat and drink on our deck.

11. Having the money to buy Reverend Horton Heat tickets, and Tragically Hip tickets all on the same day. Now to wait until May, and July.

12. Leave in conditioner.

13. Sales on material at the Sally Ann.

Apr 4, 2012

I'm Okay.

My miscarriages have a way of tarnishing my favourite holidays. First Canada Day, and now St. Patrick's Day. What's next, uterus? If you're planning on fucking up Halloween or August Long Weekend, I'd like some notice, thank you very much.

I'm doing okay though. I was only about a month along, not that that matters at all, other than the fact that this time we didn't get a chance to tell anyone, which is good, I guess. We didn't even get a chance to think about it, because the day I found out I was pregnant, was the day I found out I was in the process of miscarrying.  I probably shouldn't even be writing about it, but what the hell. I'm a rule breaker. I'm also strong and not willing to let this break me. I'm moving on, and keeping my chin up, and all that jazz. I am less angry than the first time, but somewhat worried about medical issues, of which I have no interest in looking into at this point in time. I will still continue to avoid pregnant folk like they have the plague. I've kind of given up on my lady bits at this point, and I'm kind of okay with that. Is that a negative way to accept something you don't want to? I don't know.  For some reason, all I want to do is get more dogs, have a beer with my friends, have a good cry and call it a day.

Life continues to be full of awesome, and I am looking forward to summer, and my excelling at my new job,  new opportunities that my husband is looking into, and gardening two gardens, growing my hair long, and beers and books on my deck all summer.

And I'm looking forward to telling you all about it as all this awesome happens. This depressing shit has got to go. Keep on bringing the fun, world. Keep on bringing the happy. I'm more than ready for it.

Apr 3, 2012

For the Love of Camping

We went camping for my husbands 30th birthday this past weekend. You have no idea how happy we were to be able to go camping in March. I'm still excited about it, and we've been home for 2 days. For me, there just isn't anything more relaxing, and re-energizing than sitting in the forest around a camp fire drinking beer with your friends and just taking it all in. Which is probably why I was okay with living in a camper in the bush for most of last year.

I fell in love with camping as a teenager. My first camping trip ever was over May Long Weekend when I was about 15 years old. My dad drove his truck and camper out to the lake for a bunch of us girls to use for the weekend, and our parents made sure we had all the supplies we would need.  I think it was the first weekend away from our parents for most of us, and we were actually pretty well behaved. We drank some beers, burned breakfast and let some cute boys come to our site and hang out, but that was about it. Still, it was empowering, knowing that if worse came to worse, I could start a fire and fry myself some eggs. I was all grown up!

Every year since then, I have spent my entire winter planning for camping. I try to get out no less than 3 times in a summer, and have mostly been successful. I was (and am!) lucky enough to be friends with many people who shared the same obsession  interest in camping, and in the late 90's myself and a friend accidentally on purpose started a tradition of camping every July Long weekend together. We promised each other that no matter what was going on in our lives, we would get together that weekend at The Lake.

We kept our promise, and then some. That pair of friends, expanded to over twenty campers the year I got married, and spent the wedding and honeymoon camping with our friends and family. About 6 years ago, the group of people interested in camping with us got so big, that we just couldn't be accommodated in the regular campground any more. We were too loud, and too large, so we started planning other alternatives. We camped in group sites, we camped in the overflow, we camped at a lake down the road with no services. Anything to have our privacy, and do our thing. Our meals evolved from chips, hot dogs and beer, to deep-frying turkeys, home-made wine, and gourmet breakfasts. As we got older we needed mattresses, and better shelter, and propane stoves. We needed more than a weekend, we needed a week, and then ten days. We needed WAY MORE BEER. The original vibe was still present throughout the changes, which was to be with your friends, be happy, have more fun than you will have all year, relax and make memories.

This winter, I haven't been planning the group camping trip. I'm breaking my promise, and it breaks my heart. Living two provinces away makes it hard. I am still saving money, and if people back home decide to keep the tradition going, I will do my best to be there.

What keeps me from being a blubbering mess about it all, is the fact that I live somewhere where camping is easy. Although we can if we want to, we don't have to drive more than 20 minutes to get to a great camp site. We can camp on the beach, or in the bush, or in a Provincial Park. We can pack up in 15 minutes, hit the liquor store and be on the road in no time at all. We don't have to plan for months in advance, and the weather is nice enough that our camping season has just been extended by about 4 months at the very least.

I am so grateful to my parents for letting me go on that first camping trip, and I am so grateful that I found a husband that loves camping just as much as I do. Even though I can't be with my friends as often, I can always twist his arm and get him out to the forest. Even in March.

Feb 10, 2012

Being Silly

While putting away our groceries last night....

Me: It's 11:11! Make a wish!

Smyrish: I wish to have sex with you tonight!

Me: Aw, you said it out loud, now it won't come true!

Gonna have to teach that boy the rules of wishing.

Feb 1, 2012

Grace in Small Things #72

1. Smyrish brought me coffee in bed, and my vitamins too.

2. I still have half of my Italian Star Deli sandwich to eat for lunch today. Thank you, Knuckle Toes, for hauling it across 2 provinces.

3. I unsubscribed from all pregnant people on Facebook...I don't have to "hear" their complaining anymore! ( or until I am ready)

4. Sixteen days til my brother comes to visit!!!!

5. I added more change to the vacation jar.

Jan 23, 2012

Anger, Sadness and Moving On

I've been dreading this past weekend for months. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I have realized that I am a very angry, jealous person, and I need to get a handle on things because it's starting to affect me physically. Stress and sadness are an evil combination. I AM MAD AT ALL THE THINGS.

The past few months went by so fast. We could have been parents right now. But we aren't, and honestly, I highly doubt we ever will be. I'm not being negative, I'm being factual. When you do the math and the science, there isn't any probable reason why we shouldn't have at least a couple kids by now. It's time to try and move on. We can't go on like this. I don't want to be angry at all the women I know who are ready to pop any moment, and I can't get angry at friends who can conceive whenever they want to. It isn't doing me any good to get mad every time I go on Facebook and see people complaining about how hard it is to be 9 months pregnant, because honestly I would kill to be in their shoes right now. I expected that I would be in their shoes right now. But like I said, it isn't doing me any good. It's driving me crazy, and it is unhealthy, and I KNOW that I am better and stronger than that.

We have decided not to do any fertility treatments. I don't trust it, and even after you take out the financial hardship of it all, I don't think that mentally I am strong enough to put myself through it. I don't know what we'll do. We've talked about being foster parents, we've talked about adoption. Who knows, maybe we'll end up being that couple that spends all their money travelling and taking pictures of their food. Maybe we will get pregnant again and nature will deem us to be good enough to procreate, and carry on our family lines.

I'm still angry with Nature, and I'm still not happy about your pregnancies, and all you people that have it so damn easy, but that will pass. I'm working on it. We are still mourning the life I thought I was bringing into the world. The baby that we named and made birth plans for and planned a whole new life around, that we don't get to have. We are mourning our future plans, and frantically trying to come up with new ones.

But, life is good right now. I have the best husband. In my wildest dreams I never thought that I would be lucky enough to have a partner like him. I have a supportive and fabulously silly family. I have two goofy dogs. I have so many friends. I love my house, I love where I live, I love my day job, and all my little projects I have on the side too. It's very hard to think of something that isn't all kinds of awesome in my life.

It's time to let myself start healing, and enjoying things wholeheartedly again. Wish me luck. 

Jan 15, 2012

Grace in Small Things #71

1. I am so grateful to work with a team of people who encouraged me to stay home for a few days and get healthy. No guilt trips, no rolling eyes, not even a hint of anger on their part....they just accept the fact that employees get sick, and they want them to get better so they can do their best and feel their best when they come back.

2. Being sick with Smyrish. It's been nice to laze about the house together and watch movies, even though we're coughing and sneezing and constantly blowing our noses. It's forced quality time.

3. Having a heated bathroom floor. The dogs seem to like it too.

4. The sun is shining, and the snow looks so pretty.

Jan 2, 2012

Taking Down the Tree

Smyrish and I put up our very first Christmas tree together this December, and hosted our first Christmas dinner as well. Neither of us have been big Christmas people since we have met. For one, we are not religious in any way, and secondly the holiday is too hectic and expensive. Once we were married, there were too many opportunities for hurt feelings, driving on bad highways, stress, and angry relatives and co-workers that we pretty much just gave it up, and took ourselves out of the game. No one seemed to notice, and it suited us just fine.

This year felt different though. I think that in part, we were feeling more in the Xmas spirit because we were going to be alone. Our immediate families are all in Saskatchewan, and there is always that feeling of "missing out" that plagues me when I can't be everywhere doing everything and seeing everyone. We really do miss them all, and knowing that you don't know when we'll see them again makes you really appreciate people. I think the main reason for feeling all festive, although I didn't think of it at the time, was the fact that we are HOME. For the first time since we moved in together, we know that we are settled. There really wasn't a point in decorating, or having a tree or anything for the first few years we lived together, because I was usually working, and if I wasn't we would spend Xmas at the home of one of our many parents. Then we had our little adventure last year, which really made us appreciate the finer things in life, like having a permanent place to send your mail, and indoor plumbing.

I have always wrestled with the thought of being "settled" in to one place. Settled was boring, it was giving up on life, and closing your mind to new opportunities for adventure. After this past year, I now know that that is only true if you make it so. Being settled is being comfortable, and not in a "I'm giving up" kind of way. Smyrish and I have worked hard to figure out where we want to be.

So, as I drag that dead tree through the living room and throw it out on the lawn today, I will know that even though we have been through more than our fair share of crap in the past year, I wouldn't change a thing, because it got us to where we are right now. We are home, and we are happy, and life is good.

Jan 1, 2012

One of Those Days

I was woken up way earlier than I wanted to be up, but I decided that ringing in the New Year with some coffee and Bailey's wouldn't be a bad idea. While I was searching for the Bailey's, I decided that pancakes and bacon were a good idea too. It has only gone downhill from there.

No matter what I did, the pancakes just kept sticking to the pan. I decided that ugly pancakes were better than no pancakes and powered through the making of breakfast. When I finally had my breakfast on my plate, the dogs started vomiting up some odd substance, that apparently was just as yummy the second time around. I decided to leave them to the floor cleaning, and set my coffee and plate up in the living room, and settled in to spend the day on the couch watching Degrassi High on Netflix only to learn that Netflix is having some sort of trouble getting it's money out of our account, and the only person who can fix this problem is the husband, who is out hunting for treasure. Not wanting to be a negative Nelly, I told myself that if I couldn't watch Degrassi, I could at least have a luxurious bath in our luxurious bathtub. I scampered on up the steps, and as I filled the bath, I found a book to read and turned up the heated floor and smiled to myself for coming up with such a wonderful idea, but when I went to step in the tub, I realized that there wasn't any water in it, and the plug was not doing its plugging duties. After 10 minutes of fighting with the plug, I sat down in the empty tub and washed my hair, thinking that at least if I was clean, I would feel better. I do not. 

I think I'm going to go back to bed and start over again later. Happy 2012 everyone!