Shortly after the last miscarriage, I felt like this blog was getting to be too darn depressing. It's been a rough couple years, and to be honest, I only felt like writing when I was overwhelmed with sadness. It was my outlet, but as I tend to do, I felt bad about heaping all my sadness and frustration about money and fertility on you, the internet, the same way I feel bad about heaping it all on people face to face. I don't want to be a bother, and I don't want to appear weak. So, I quit. I quit venting to my computer, and I quit venting to people in my life. That tactic, has gotten me nowhere. I have pretty much given up the daily worry of "Will I ever have a baby?" and am learning to come to terms with the fact that it just might not happen. I continue to fill with rage whenever somebody on Facebook is delighted to tell us all of their pregnancy, but I've learned to be honest with people about how I'm feeling, and they seem to be okay with that, or at least they pretend to be as they squirm uncomfortably.
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| The swing, at our favourite walking place, Whiffen Spit. |
It's been over a year now since we left Saskatchewan for good. We've really settled in to our new home, in Sooke, British Columbia, and until we can afford to move further south to somewhere warmer, we're here for the long haul. We just love it here. We've made friends, ( and lost one of them this month, tragically), we love all the fun things there are to do around here, we love our house and our gardens and we're happy to have family like Bink and Knuckle Toes close by. We've been toying with the idea of getting a mortgage and finally realizing our dream of having a modest house, on some usable land by some water.
Sooke is a great place to be if you are creative. The people here are so incredibly supportive of creativity, and small business and people who work from home. This is a town of hard-working, mostly lower middle class people, who get their income from their small businesses and make work projects, and everyone likes to help each other out. People here like to trade and barter, and I think that's fantastic. You just don't see that as much as you used to, and you for sure don't see it in the city. It's been a struggle for me confidence wise, but thanks to some very supportive people I've met here, I'm starting to get my Abigail Road clothing and accessories business out there to the public, and I'm hoping that with a lot of hard work and brilliant networking, within the next couple years, that will be my job. Not my hobby, not my side business, my motherfucking job. That's all I've wanted since I was 16 years old, but I just never had the confidence to get myself out there like I needed to.
I feel like I'm getting back to being my old self. I want to have fun, all the time. I am looking forward to our future. I'm learning to let things go, and let people go, and to just not give a shit about the small stuff, although that's not always easy, and I don't always succeed. I want to try new things, and just live life to the fullest, like I used to. I might not be here tomorrow, and I don't want my last day on earth to be spent comparing what I have, to what others have, or crying over spilled milk. ( which I have literally done recently).
So there you have it, that's where I'm at today. This blog may be depressing at times, because it's sometimes the only place I can turn to. I'm sad about not being able to be a mama, I'm sad because friends and friends parents, and family just keep on dying, I get sad sometimes when I miss everyone back home. I'm going to write about all of those things at times. But hopefully, I'll get in the mood to write about our adventures, gardening, the search for the perfect acreage and silly things that happen day to day at Casa Abigail. It can't be all bad on the Road to Nowhere, now can it? ;)
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