I walked into work today, in my sweatpants, grunting about coffee, rummaging for change in my bag, so I could partake in the greatness that is our coffee machine in the hallway. I had gotten about 2 hours sleep, due to turning into a raging psycho in the safety of my bedroom at about 11:00pm, and not being able to bring the adrenaline rush to a halt. Nobody yelled "Good Morning Abigail!!", like they normally do, and I noticed that as I was standing at the coffee machine, the others in line were just hanging back a bit, like they were watching a volcano slowly erupt, and wanted to watch, but only at a safe distance. One of my most favorite co-workers, walked past as I was heading to my locker with my coffee, and said "Hey sweety, that heart of yours feeling better yet?". I blew.
"What the fuck is wrong with me?!?", I yelled as I slammed through the room, signing my timecard and putting my things away. As people (all female) came in and out of the room, they all had some sort of advice that I had heard already, like "You can't just get over it in a day", "It'll take some time, don't worry, you're normal", "You're doing better than I would be", or my least favorite, "He's an asshole, because you're great." Hate the negative comments most, especially when they come from people that hardly know me, but they mean well, I'm sure. The Cookster arrived at work shortly after all of this, and told me that her and Badu have decided that what I need is to hook up with a younger man, it's worked for them. "Might as well", I thought, "I always joked that I was going to be a cougar one day, so better start practicing now."* :)
Once the room cleared out, and I was a bit calmer after my little temper tantrum, I turned to my "token male" co-worker (as he calls himself), and asked him straight out why he thought girls took longer to get over break-ups than guys. I've seen it with all the male friends I've had over the years, one day, they're heartbroken and want to end it all, the next day, they're banging some chick they met at the bar an hour earlier, and a few days later, they're with someone else entirely, getting that re-bound relationship out of the way. Sure, girls do that too, I've done that myself, but it really is much more common to see the females taking their sweet time getting over whoever it was that broke their heart. He didn't seem to know why girls did what they did, which surprised me, as he's really close to his sisters, but told me flat out, that if I wanted to hear why guys did what they did, he wasn't going to sugar-coat it for me, and he was probably going to hurt my feelings.
"He was over you, before you even broke up.", he said matter-of -factly.
"But...." I started.
"No, we all are. We made the decision long before we dumped you, and then choose to do the dumping at the most inconvenient, well convenient for us, moment, just to get it over with."
"But why do you have to move on so fast?", I whined.
"I just told you, we're already over you. I met, and started dating my current wife, the day after I dumped the last girl I was with. I was done." He shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, what I'm gonna do then, is just go out there and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck!! I'm done with dating!" I giggled, then slammed my head down on the table.
"Now, that disturbs me. Alot."
"Oh shush, I'm just being a girl."
I really started to think hard about all this. Handsome Joe had told me something along the same lines just last week, only it sounded a bit more harsh at the time, but maybe that was because he was telling me everything in 'list' formation, while counting off his statements on his fingers. Every guy I've talked to, says "sometimes things just don't work out", and then points out someone I could hook up with instead. All of them have been logical, cool-headed and harsh sounding, but they give me a hug and a compliment before they continue on their way. Not to say that the girls in my life haven't been logical either, and they've been the first ones to step up and give me shit about shitting on myself.
By the end of the day, I was thinking a bit more logically, and all the thoughts running throught my brain were less candy-coated. What happened to me? There was a time, when I loved myself, and in a way, I did act like a guy. I drank like a guy, I socialized like a guy, I fucked around like a guy. I could be loud and brash and girly and flirtatious all at the same time, and with the exception of those PMS- fuelled, but hornier than hell, low self-esteem days, and the deadly aftermath of a couple nasty burns, I truly was perfectly happy, going out, getting attention, and coming home alone to bask in the glow of the ego-trip, if that's what I decided to do. For the past week or so, every single person I've run into, friend or not, has come up to me, complimented my clothes, my new hair, my face, told me I was funny or that they loved my laugh, or couldn't wait to hang out with me again, or said I could call them any time if I needed anything. I've heard more "I love you's", than a person could ever hope for,from friends as well as some people I would least expect it from. It clicked today, that no one I give a crap about thinks anything bad about me, I'm the only one who thinks I'm not a good enough me. Anyone who has a problem with me, I don't care about anyways, and I brush it off.
It's time to let this healing continue on it's natural course, stop impeding its process by asking "Why?", and get myself back to who I want to be. Because, you're right Mr. Head, there isn't much time left, and there's no need to waste what time I have wallowing in self-pity. It's not sexy. :)
* Note: I do not see any of my friends that are currently dating or married to younger guys, as cougars.
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