Mar 4, 2007

3 Topics, 3 Paragraphs, No Particular Order

All weekend, no matter what time I hit the hay the night before, I have been waking up at 7:17am, then forcing myself to go back to sleep for a few hours, and then finally waking for good at 10:27am, with extreme anxiety. I wonder if during the night I am living some type of "Amityville Horror" type life, and maybe some event that I can't recall is happening at 7:17am, and ends at 10:27am, forcing my body to snap out of it's trance.

So, today began with bitter, irrational thoughts. Maybe it's because I woke up grouchy, walked into the kitchen and realized that I forgot to buy coffee, and for the second day in a row, have been forced to drink tea. While the kettle was boiling the water this morning, I sat in the kitchen thinking about what he was doing this morning, which quickly jumped to thoughts about who he was doing this morning, and if it was going on on my duvet, and sent a telepathic message to him that I could have gotten laid too last night, but I just didn't put in the effort. I mentally slapped myself back to reality, and blamed it on the fact that I spent a sober night at The Pub watching people around me throw their morals out the window, just to feel validated in some way, as well as listen to a couple of my dearest girlfriends talk about the bullshit that they are going through, and realized I am not alone in the "I feel like a fucking loser, and why doesn't anybody love me, there must be something terribly wrong with me" department. Which, evil as it sounds, makes me feel a tad better.

Last night, when it clicked in my brain that I have friends that are feeling the same as I was, I snapped out of my funk for a few minutes. "These girls are fucking fantastic," I thought to myself, "And any asshole that doesn't see that isn't good enough for them anyways." Amazing how you can be so confident about others and they're wondrousness, but still think that you're a piece of shit on a shoe.

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