My weight loss challenge

My weight has been an issue for me, for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I was not heavy at all, (although I was reminded more than once about what a fat baby I was), but I always felt that I just didn't measure up to my friends, cousins, etc. I have never had an eating disorder of any kind, although, through my teen years, I sometimes wished that I did. Which was sick and twisted, I know, but it would have been a way to get people to feel sorry for me, and to prevent the inevitable weight gain that I thought was in my future. But unfortunatly, I always knew that it was an illness, and I would never be able to turn down a perogy dinner, or some other decadent feast that was at my finger tips. For the first part of puberty, I was always self-concious about my new big boobs, and the fact that I had no waste line or hips. I looked at girls around me, and even though they may not have measured up to me in the breast department, I liked their curvy figures and the fact that they didn't look like a little girl, they looked like women. Some days I thought I was too skinny, other days I thought I was a huge cow. Ah, the joys of being a teenage girl.

When I was approximatly 19 years old, and starting to become less physically active, I shot from a nice 125 lbs., to a whopping 150 lbs. Which, in retrospect, really wasn't that bad. I look at pictures of myself from around that time, and I wish that I looked like that now. Over the next few years, I just kept gaining the weight. I would try and get regular exercise, I would watch what I ate. Even though I wasn't really doing anything to control it, my body mass would rise and fall almost weekly, which inevitably, scored me some incredible stretch-marks. Of course, I'm a big beer drinker, and that helped the weight pile on.

After I had gone travelling in the UK for a couple months in 2003, I returned to Canada 45 lbs. lighter, and fit right in to my skinny jeans. The blubber stayed off for a few months following, mostly due to the fact that I had to walk everywhere, and I was having monetary problems, and couldn't afford to buy groceries. I also wasn't doing much drinking because, well, that costs money too. Even though I felt my life was going right down the shit-hole, I hadn't been that happy with the way I looked in close to 5 years.

About 2 weeks after I broke my leg in February 2004, I noticed the fat creeping back on. Of course it had alot to do with the fact that I was immobile, and anything I ingested, food or otherwise, had no way to be burned off. But even after I recovered somewhat and was moving around a bit, the weight just kept piling on, once again. I hated myself, and I hated my clothes and felt that everything shitty in my life had to be the result of me being a fat cow.

And then winter came once again. I was afraid of the ice, and even when I did walk to a destination, I wasn't burning any calories, because I was walking too slow, in order to be careful. I have achieved the heaviest weight I have ever been this winter of 2005, and I have never been less pleased with the way I look. Of course, I have my days, of looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, "Damn, I look friggin' hot today",but those dreams are always shattered once I see a photo of myself from those confident days, and realize I didn't look smoking hot, I looked like the fattest girl at the party, hockey game, restaurant, pub, etc. I love getting my photo taken, and I love having memories in my photo albums of my life and friends, however, I don't want to look back on these photos years from now, and feel bad about myself, or notice, like how I'm noticing now, that I am bigger than everyone else in the photo combined. I would rather look at these photos, and think "Wow, I sure was having fun." But that sort of thinking can only come with age and confidence.

I could very well be wrong, but I think that my weight also is one of the reasons as to why I am still single. Not that all guys are so shallow that they only care about looks, but let's face it, when you meet someone new, what is the first thing you notice about them? I am always deemed a 'friend' before I am deemed 'that girl I want to be with'. Of course, the lack of confidence in myself has alot to do with it as well, if I don't feel pretty, why would anyone else feel the same way?

I have hit rock bottom in the self-esteem department, and the only one who can pick me up off of the floor is me. Which is why, I have decided that enough is enough, the weight is coming off. The sooner I feel better about the way I look, the sooner I will feel better about my life and myself. I am going to have to give up my salty food addiction and lay off the beer. Thankfully, the weather is getting warmer, and the ice is attempting to melt from the streets and sidewalks, and I will be able to get out into the fresh air and walk those pounds off. I'm never going to have a bikini body, but I can't wait to fit back in to my sexy, skinny jeans. It's as simple as that. Wish me luck.