Now I know this is probably ridiculous, but I am starting to think, that I am being avoided. For the past couple of months, I have noticed, that if I decide to stay home, and I do nothing but sit and stare at the wall, nobody phones me and I find out the next day, that they were all out and about, having a rockin' good time. So, the next time I have a day/ night off, I venture out in search of human beings and the good times they have been having. Luckily, there are only so many places they could be, so, I wander downtown. But, 9 times out of 10, there are no familiar faces to be found.
Today for instance. I know that some people are out of town for Easter celebrations, but I also know that there are a few souls left in the city. It was a beautiful day, so I headed out to slosh through the puddles in search of a friendly face. When I arrived at my destination, I was bewildered by the amount of strangers I had encountered . Thankfully, I'm not afraid to sit and have a pint by myself, so I did so...waiting for someone, anyone, I knew to come in. I should have brought my day planner with me and made some phone calls, but normally I don't have to, so it didn't occur to me before I left the house. When 2 hours later, I hadn't run into anyone yet, I decided to continue walking, and enjoy the calm evening before the temperature dropped. Also, I figured, I might as well go home, and drink a couple pots of coffee before going to work at midnight. On my way home, I found out that people were doing things tonight, just not with me.
I know what you're thinking, poor, poor Abigail. What a pity. Roll your eyes all you want, I'm in the mood for a pity party. It's just that days like today, when no adventure is to be found, I start to think of days like yesterday, when I could have went over to Dynomite's at 10pm. I was already in my PJ's, but hey, they wouldn't have cared. And I would have felt like I had done something this weekend, and not been feeling so shitty about having to go to work tonight. Because, I know, once I'm there at midnight, the town is going to light up, and once again I'll miss out. I pass up alot of outings, because I'm tired, grouchy, not interested, etc. and I guess maybe I should quit doing that.
Maybe this pitiful, childish thinking has deeper roots though. On the surface it may sound like "Oh, I have no friends, I have no life..blah blah blah", but I think I am really upset with the fact that I am not sure what I should be doing with my life. Work rules my life, according to some, and I don't even really like it. Not that I know what I want to do. I do know, that I can't do the group home work forever, and I really do want to have more time for myself, and to get out and be with my friends, or make new ones. Maybe I should just find myself a sugar daddy, and shop and coffee and party all the live long day. Nah.
I think I'm seriously going to have to start to think about a career that would interest me, where I want to live, who I want to spend my time with. And once I figure out even one of those, I think I'll have myself pointed in the right direction, and I can work towards what I need and want for myself.
Anyways.....guess I should go and get ready for work. Have a good Easter weekend y'all.
No comments:
Post a Comment