Smiling faces, brought some introspect and a smile to this gal

I had planned to get up early today, and enjoy a good five or six hours of coffee, Law and Order and Dawson's Cheesy Creek. At midnight yesterday, I forced myself to finish an online game of Scrabble and a cigarette, both of which, I had started moments before, when I returned home from work. I didn't think I would make it through the last 4 plays of the tiles, before I fell fast asleep on my keyboard. All of a sudden it was 4 am. I had watched 4 episodes of Sex and the City, that I rented from the library, had 2 more games of Scrabble, and tossed and turned so much, I think I may have thrown my back out, cause it's killing me today.

Well, I did get up early today, because I was called into work at 8am. It was a good day though, I made a lasagna, watched the Cosby Show, and did all my paper work while sitting on the deck in the sunshine. When I got home tonight, I felt energized, and had to force myself not to go out and have a few beers at the Pub....it's only 2 more sleeps til Friday, and if I save my money, I can do it up properly.

Anyways, back to last night. Somewhere between the 3rd episode of Sex and the City, and a game of Scrabble, I got stuck. I just stood in my room, in a sleepy haze, chugging from my water bottle and staring at all the photos on my wall. After scanning all the photos and thinking of which ones could be changed, I happened to notice how happy everyone in the photos were. I was surrounded by friends, friends babies, relatives and rockstars, all of whom were grinning at me like I had just given them their first bicycle. I cynically thought,"What the hell are they so happy about?", but abruptly and unconciously stopped my negative thinking in its tracks.

Almost immediatly, I started to remember all the instances and occasions that these people were photographed. Over- priced rock concerts, 25th wedding anniversaries, high school graduations, birthday parties, going-away parties, staff parties, a protest march against the war in Iraq, days in the park, and an accidental drunken afternoon. I couldn't help but recall how everyone, including myself, was bubbling over with joy, pride and silliness on these days, and we were all truly happy.

In our day to day lives, you must admit, we sometimes mull over how negative this friend is, how depressed that chick is, how fucked up the rest of them are. We dwell on the shit in our lives, and how it could all be better if...(insert your 'if' here).On too many occasions, we neglect to sit and recall from our memory all the good times we have had with these people and with ourselves...and why we are so happy and scrappy together. There's a reason all of these people on my wall are in my life, and there are 101 fantastic reasons why we are all smiling......and you can see why in the pictures.

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That Suge Knight psycho just likes to get in trouble. I find it ridiculous that we care, but if you care, read this.

I saw Bob MacDonald on the news this morning, and if you want to learn what I learned, about the health of the earth, you'll have to go to this page first.

Boo Hoo Curly Sue

Now I know this is probably ridiculous, but I am starting to think, that I am being avoided. For the past couple of months, I have noticed, that if I decide to stay home, and I do nothing but sit and stare at the wall, nobody phones me and I find out the next day, that they were all out and about, having a rockin' good time. So, the next time I have a day/ night off, I venture out in search of human beings and the good times they have been having. Luckily, there are only so many places they could be, so, I wander downtown. But, 9 times out of 10, there are no familiar faces to be found.

Today for instance. I know that some people are out of town for Easter celebrations, but I also know that there are a few souls left in the city. It was a beautiful day, so I headed out to slosh through the puddles in search of a friendly face. When I arrived at my destination, I was bewildered by the amount of strangers I had encountered . Thankfully, I'm not afraid to sit and have a pint by myself, so I did so...waiting for someone, anyone, I knew to come in. I should have brought my day planner with me and made some phone calls, but normally I don't have to, so it didn't occur to me before I left the house. When 2 hours later, I hadn't run into anyone yet, I decided to continue walking, and enjoy the calm evening before the temperature dropped. Also, I figured, I might as well go home, and drink a couple pots of coffee before going to work at midnight. On my way home, I found out that people were doing things tonight, just not with me.

I know what you're thinking, poor, poor Abigail. What a pity. Roll your eyes all you want, I'm in the mood for a pity party. It's just that days like today, when no adventure is to be found, I start to think of days like yesterday, when I could have went over to Dynomite's at 10pm. I was already in my PJ's, but hey, they wouldn't have cared. And I would have felt like I had done something this weekend, and not been feeling so shitty about having to go to work tonight. Because, I know, once I'm there at midnight, the town is going to light up, and once again I'll miss out. I pass up alot of outings, because I'm tired, grouchy, not interested, etc. and I guess maybe I should quit doing that.

Maybe this pitiful, childish thinking has deeper roots though. On the surface it may sound like "Oh, I have no friends, I have no life..blah blah blah", but I think I am really upset with the fact that I am not sure what I should be doing with my life. Work rules my life, according to some, and I don't even really like it. Not that I know what I want to do. I do know, that I can't do the group home work forever, and I really do want to have more time for myself, and to get out and be with my friends, or make new ones. Maybe I should just find myself a sugar daddy, and shop and coffee and party all the live long day. Nah.

I think I'm seriously going to have to start to think about a career that would interest me, where I want to live, who I want to spend my time with. And once I figure out even one of those, I think I'll have myself pointed in the right direction, and I can work towards what I need and want for myself.

Anyways.....guess I should go and get ready for work. Have a good Easter weekend y'all.

I wonder if Jian is upset that Moxy Fruvous didn't make the cut?

Since January, Jian Ghomeshi and his friends in the Canadian music business, have been compiling a list of the Top 50 Canadian songs of all time. I have been listening and voting and cursing Torontonians since it started. But, alas, today is the countdown to end all countdowns on DNTO, and I finally can sleep easy, knowing that the list has been compiled....even though there are still some entries that I feel don't deserve a spot on the list, and as well, there are some artists who were left off the list, that deserve some acknowledgement.

To see the complete list of Canadian songs chosen, go to CBC's 50 Tracks, if you want to know what the heck I'm blabbing about in this entry.

I must admit, I'm not too educated on popular music between 1900 and 1959. Although I have heard all of the tracks chosen for this time period, I don't know if there are any songs that were better suited. So, I can't complain about any of the panels choices. So,I will spend my time criticizing and congratulating the picks from 1960-2005.


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Critique #1 I guess my biggest complaint of all with this list, is the fact that certain artists/groups are on it more than once. I realize that the careers of people like Joni Mitchell, Gordon Lightfoot, The Tragically Hip, Blue Rodeo, Bruce Cockburn and Leonard Cohen (to name a few), have spanned decades, and it is extremely difficult to chose just one track from each of them to be on the list. But, I feel that because these duplicate entries are on the list, other essential Canadian artists, had to be left out of the voting pool.

Critique #2 Leonard Cohen. Although I love his poetry and books, I can't stand his singing, because, well he can't freaking sing. The fact that he had more than one song debated for this list, just makes me laugh. I apologize to all you Leonard Cohen fans, I know some of you, but I think you are giving Mr. Cohen a tad too much respect when it comes to the music biz. He should stay in the land of literary geniuses where he belongs.

Critique #3 The fact that artists like Anne Murray, Rush and Sarah McLachlan almost didn't make the list, is sickening. Whether you are fans of them or not, you have to admit, they are big players in the international music scene, and have proven themselves over the years. Thank god for the listeners getting a say in all this, and voting appropriatly.

Critique #4 The panelists. Now, I don't have a complaint with all the panelists that have participated over the past 3 months, but more often than not, I found myself sitting and listening to a group of high and mighty wankers from Toronto, who know nothing about what the rest of the country listens to, or has listened to over the years. Torontonians need a wake-up call from the rest of us.....they don't know a damn thing about us, and it's very upsetting to me.

Critique #5 The fact that artists like Ron Sexsmith, 54-40, Ashley MacIssac, Hayden, The Watchmen, The Odds, Shania Twain and about a hundred other artists that have made an impact in their genre of music, and on the people of our country weren't even debated or nominated, is something I can't even wrap my brain around.

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High-5 #1 The fact that so many people, young and old, from the east and west, had the opportunity to vote and sell their favorite songs every week. Democracy was at work, and in action.

High-5 #2 Goes to the panelists and listeners alike, who absolutely BLASTED contributer Liisa LaDouceur for saying that The Tragically Hip were nothing special, and were nothing more than "Hoser Rock". Well, Liisa, leave Toronto, and you will find a bunch of beer-guzzling hosers, listening to Das Hips. She also said that if The Hip and their Hoser Rock made it on to the list, then other Hoser Rockers like the Lowest of the Low, BTO and Trooper have to be on the list too......and she didn't say that in a complimentary way. She hates the hosers, and now all the hosers hate her. Karma.

High-5 #3 I was ecsatic, when I learned that "Home for a Rest", "Tom Sawyer", "The Safety Dance", "Echo Beach", "Disco Sucks", and "High School Confidential" all made it onto the top 50. Now I have proof that there are others out there who have the same 'eclectic' taste in music that I do.

High-5 #4 At first, I wasn't too sure about "Crabbucket" by K-OS making the list. Maybe because it is such a recent song, and has been over-played just like crazy. But after doing a little research on K-OS, I truly believe he deserves that spot on the list, even if it's just for being the political, goofy and talented person he is. I learned a bit more about the Canadian Hip-Hop scene, and that's where the High-5 is coming from.

High-5 #5 The countdown itself. What a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon, listening to great Canadian music and Jian.

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Well, it's a beautiful, sunny day, and I should get out of the house. I've got some errands to do, and I need some exercise and fresh air. I've cooped myself up for the last 2 days, and starting tonight at midnight, I have a long stretch of work coming up, I should probably get the heck out of here, and have some fun.

March came in like a lamb, and is going out like a hormonal byotch

First off, I must apologize to those who have asked me why I haven't been writing anything lately. Diaryland has been extremely busy lately, at the times I would normally post ( in the morning, or in the middle of the night), so when the servers busy, I can't do a damn thing. Also, I really haven't had much to say....actually, it's more like I'm following the old "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all" rule this week. That said.....here we go.....

This most recent snow squall we've lived through, as well as the dropping temperatures, has got me pining for the days of summer. Although this winter was much more mild than the last, I've had about enough. In the last year, we have had no spring at all, a very short summer , followed by 2 days of fall, and more winter. I am praying that we have a beautiful, sloppy spring, and a perfectly sunny, calm summer, to raise everyone's spirits a few notches on the spirit scale.

I have had enough of wearing socks and big heavy coats and picking out the right shoes to wear everyday. I want to throw on a pair of sandals, leave my jacket in the closet, and run out of the house on a moment's notice, all without having to check the Weather Channel for storm warnings.

I want to spend too much money, sitting on a patio talking and laughing and drinking with friends and strangers alike until the wee hours.

I want to use my umbrella I got for Christmas, while I run through the pouring rain, dodging puddles, and looking up in the sky for signs of sunshine and rainbows.

I can't wait to get that first sunburn of the year. That is always the day that I realize, it is without a doubt summer, and it will hurt to wear a bra for about a week. I haven't used the can of Solarcaine I made Cookeroo go by me one day after a day at the waterslides for 2 years. I know, I should be using sunscreen....blah blah blah.

That sunburn is always a nice base for a great upper body tan. Too bad my legs don't burn.

I need to experience more unforgettable nights, sitting outside drinking and talking to someone until we realize the sun is coming up......so we stop talking and watch it.

I am more excited about camping on the July long weekend than I was about St. Paddy's Day.

Some people hate the smell of campfire smoke on their clothes. I never wash my summer jackets, so they probably hate the smell of me.

I want to sit on the grass and watch a free concert. Then hit the beer tent and gawk at the performers getting drunk in the beer tent with the 'common folk'.

I am secretly wishing my mom doesn't sell the house, so I can wield an axe to chop wood and have a fire in her backyard. And go for a hike up the hill in the field with my cousins after we've had too many beers sitting around that fire.

I want to walk through the park with my group home gals, and make them stop to listen to the performers at the bandstand, whether they like it or not.

I want to mock Brent Butt, while sitting at the pub, 'cause I get the impression he thinks he's better than me. (ok, maybe that ones all in my head)

And finally, I want to rock and roll all night and party everyday for 2-3 months, and still get to work on time when need be.

PLEASE MOTHER NATURE, THROW ME A FRIGGIN' BONE HERE.

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Since I am still plagued by insomnia, I have added a photo album for y'all to click through. Enjoy.

Astrology and not much else

I spent my night shift trying to figure myself out, and came up with nothing. So I turned to the stars, and this is what they had to say about me. I know, this is a cop-out entry.

My horoscope for today really hit home though, which I must say is rare. It doesn't mention my non-existent corporate job, or my children at all, which is a refreshing change.

You may need your best compromising skills, dear Aquarius. It is the kind of day that increases the possibility of misunderstanding and conflict. Emotions will run high, and those around you may overreact before you can say, "That's not what I mean!" Work toward finding resolution today - more so than ever - and if you find your own emotions running high, drop the subject until another day. This can save you in more ways than one.

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About me:

Element: Air

Mode: Fixed

Ruler: Uranus

Color: Electric Blue, Violet, Gray-green

Famous Aquarians: Sir Francis Bacon, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Placido Domingo, Mia Farrow, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Galileo Galilei, Barbara Hershey, Abraham Lincoln, James Michener, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Paul Newman, Norman Rockwell, Jules Verne, Oprah Winfrey, Virginia Woolf

Strengths: Adventurous, curious, flexible, idealistic, humanitarian, independent, innovative, intuitive, loyal, original, resourceful, sociable, spontaneous

Weaknesses: Eccentric, inaccessible, inconsistent, intolerant, peculiar, quixotic, radical, rebellious, scattered, unpredictable, unrealistic

Aquarius, the eleventh of the zodiac, is considered the sign of perspective, the future, and new projects. The water bearer symbolizes intellectual development through communication and innovation. Of all signs, you are the most idealistic and humanitarian, with a strong sense of community and fraternity. Your ruler Uranus, the planet of change and revolution, represents originality and a strong drive for adventure and freedom. Uranus is also called the rebel planet, and its energy is radical, sudden, and unpredictable.

Aquarius is the third of the three air signs, which means that your intellectuality is expressed as an intuitive grasp of universal principles, along with a concern for the universal wellbeing of humanity.

Aquarius rules the eleventh house of the chart, Abigail, the sector associated with friends and groups, intellectual pleasures, socializing, and attitude toward society. However, it also describes personal hopes and wishes, as well as collective trends and humanitarian issues.

Yours is a fixed sign, which means that you resist manipulative behavior. You form your own opinion, however unusual it may be, and refuse to adapt. If someone dares to push, pull, or pressure you, they will definitely get to know your stubborn and eccentric side.

As an Aries Rising you face the world with intense energy and primal power, Abigail. You always look to go beyond your own limits and outdo yourself with every step. With each challenge, you learn more about yourself, and gain additional confidence to go even farther on your next adventure. Your incredible decisiveness enables you to act on your ideas the minute you form them. You don’t have time to waste! You are very competitive and have a strong urge to excel in whatever you do, and you continually prove your power through action.

The downside is that you can be quite impulsive and often make decisions too hastily for your own good. Once you’ve made a decision, it’s difficult for you to go back and reconsider, because you only know how to move in one direction in life, and that is straight ahead.

It’s no easy task to make someone like you back down. This irreversible strength you have inside allows you to thrive in some of the most powerful and influential positions in the business world, the ones in which the important decisions are made. If you have stopped climbing, it’s probably because you’ve already reached the top. It’s as simple as that!

Good Times, Apologies and Self- Prescribed Detox

Well, I have not been too good at updating lately, and then when I am ready to write today, my page is down. Ah well.

I am mostly enjoying my weekend of work (nights) and relaxation ( the other 16 hours of the day). I had a super duper St. Paddy's Day at the Pub. I ran into a whole shwack of people I hadn't seen in ages it seemed, and as the booze continues to leave my brain, more memories, faces,conversations and flirtations are coming back to me. I drank a ridiculous amount of beer, and attempted to eat some delectable Irish fare, but the waitress never brought my food. I was in much better spirits than Wednesday, when I went out and had some drinks with Cookeroo, and was feeling less than stellar about myself. I was fat, ugly, and boring. By about the 2nd pint on Thursday however, I was little miss social butterfly, and felt the world could do me no harm on such a day as St. Pat's, surrounded by friends, pipers and the ever present beer bringers. But unfortunatly, true to form, I went home in the wee hours, not feeling so healthy (ok, I was about to upchuck) and with the even worse feeling of guilt and contempt for my own big mouth.

I can honestly say, I don't really know exactly what hateful or immature comments came spewing from my mouth, but I said something, and well, I really made B-Rock upset, he said I ruined his night, and he went home. We haven't spoke since Thursday night, and I'm doubting that we'll be speaking again any time soon. What makes it worse for me though, is that I can't remember what I did, or what I had a problem with. I never forget things when I'm drinking. Once in awhile, I will be a bit blurry on something, but with a small reminder, it's right back in my memory bank. I never forget my actions, and rarely forget what I have said. So I obviously overdid it.

It seems to have been a week full of low self-esteem, arguements, break-ups and misunderstandings. Not just for me, but for the majority of people I have talked to. Maybe it's just a consequence of St. Paddy's Week alcoholism, or the weather, or has something to do with the moon. I'm not sure, but I hope that come Monday, everyone is happier, sober, and back on track.

Myself, I am happy to be at home, drinking coffee and taking a break from the madness that is the Pub. I have pledged to start fresh, and am thankful that there isn't any big celebrations coming up, so I will not feel obliged to leave my house, unless I really feel that I need to, for instance, if I go into a stir-crazy "gotta get out and talk to someone about nothing" frenzy. Which, knowing me, will only be a couple days from now.

I really don't know how the homebody's do it. I love being alone, in my room with a book or at my computer, and I can amuse myself for a few days at a time, but then I get the overwhelming urge to just run and find other human beings. But there are people out there, who stay at home night after night, only leaving the house for special occasions like Christmas or Granny's birthday. I think that I would lose my mind completely. Sometimes, phone conversations and emails just don't do the trick. Human interaction is one of the basic needs I have, it has been above food in my list of survival needs at times in my life.

Water, Shelter, Coffee and Cigarettes, Human Interaction, Food. I guess when I think about it, I have everything that I need, and I shouldn't complain. Now if only I could turn back time and prevent this oncoming guilt-induced ulcer, life would be perfect.

I've got a six-pack of Insomnia and nothing to say!

Insomnia fucking sucks. Insomnia, brought on by an obsession over the 50 Tracks chosen on CBC Radio One, is absolutely retarded. An hour ago, I was so exhausted, that I thought I might not even make it to the light switch to turn it off, before falling asleep on my feet, and now, here I am, roused from my bed, wishing I lived in Toronto, so I could be on some stupid panel, and wondering if that panel recieved my email. But, I will explain more about this new obsession of mine, later this week, when the final vote has been tabulated.

I have one more day of work to go, and then I get 3 days off, to celebrate St. Paddy's and get some much needed chores and errands done. It's been a long haul for me, and I must say I'm burning out, and need a break from autism for awhile. Usually I'm working hard and playing harder, but other than Cookeroo's birthday bash last Saturday, I haven't been playing at all, and I really need to get out and do my thing. Or something. Contrary to what Astro-Boy thinks, I don't party as hard as he imagines. Well, I don't party as hard or as regular, as the rest of the Pub gang....so once in awhile, I get this build-up, well this need, to socialize, and go out in public and act like a moron for a few hours. I am so looking forward to St. Pat's, I fear that I may have put to much pressure on the holiday, and I will let myself down....but I guess we'll just have to wait and see now won't we?

Well, it's unfortunate, but that's about all my tired brain can think of at the moment. I guess I should try once again to drift off to dream land, so I can wake up in time to go to work.

I've got a head cold, and some random thoughts

I officially have a cold. I know where I got it from too, but unfortunatly, the people who gave me their germs are mentally-challenged, and it would be wrong of me to kick their asses for it. Yesterday my throat hurt, and today I can't breathe, but luckily, it's just a cold, and if I'm lucky, I'll be ready to rip in a couple days. Thank god for tea and Sinutab. Don't know how I'd live without it.

I've been feeling a bit lonely this week. I have been working a lot, but I have also had a lot of free time, that I mostly spent in bed or in front of the TV, because I didn't know what else to do with myself. It must be getting close to that time of the month, because normally I don't think I'd be so hurt that people aren't calling me, or are out living their own lives. Because, when I am thinking logically, I know that others know I may be working, and when they think I am working, they just don't bother calling to chat. As well, I know that they could very well be working, or tired, what have you, but when I'm feeling down, I take it as a personal attack.
So that's why I was over-joyed when Cookeroo gave me a call to go for coffee this afternoon with her and one of her clients. It was mighty refreshing to get out of the house for a reason other than needing a pack of smokes or to go to work.

Since I'm feeling a little flaky today, due to the cold medication pumping through my system, and since I don't have anything fantastic to report, due to my incredibly boring week, here's a list, since I'm not sure how well I'll do with proper essay- like writing today. Ah, the joys of being stoned on Sinutabs.

1. I have been out walking every day, doing stretches, sit-ups, weights, and riding an exercise bike. My body is aching and I don't feel any lighter. It's only been a week since I decided to get rid of this blubber, but I was hoping maybe I'd at least lose a pound or two. This sucks the big one. But I'm not quitting, I just wish I could see results faster. I wish that those 'diet miracle drugs' you see in the back pages of magazines actually worked. It would definatly be easier on my muscles.

2. If I was motivated, or felt a tad smarter today, I would be writing an article for Hobbsley, and not writing this list.

3. Sometimes I wish I was pregnant, just so there would be a good reason to have this huge gut of mine. Too bad, I'm not big on kids yet.

4. I have a list on the fridge of about 15 things I was going to do this week, and I haven't done a single thing. Every time I enter the kitchen, I see the list, and I am reminded of what a lazy procrastinator I am. I swear, if all I had to do was make a phone call by Monday, and I would win a million bucks, I wouldn't do it out of pure laziness.

5. I need to find a higher paying job. Too bad there's no such thing in my field. Well, there is, but I would have to take on more responsibility, which in my mind, doesn't seem too appealing. More work, more pay. Makes sense, I guess. But still, not very appealing. I'm working at the maximum I can handle as it is.

6. I am starting to hate my online Scrabble. I have been losing for weeks, and getting stuck with vowels throughout the game. I don't think it's me that has lost my touch, I just think that there is something horribly wrong with the random tile distribution.

7. A few months ago, I got hooked on this site full of quizzes. I learned that I was a "Monica" (from Friends), I'm supertitious, my family most resembles the Simpsons, Bjork is my inner rockstar, Owen Wilson is my celebrity soul mate, and in a past life I was a hamster named Vladimir. Here's what they had to say about my past life:
Come out and play — in your previous life, you were a hamster named Vladimir. Here's what we know about you: Born on the plains of Siberia, you spent your early years weathering harsh winters, drinking vodka, and attending committee meetings. Determined and headstrong, you always got your way when push came to shove. But it wasn't all darkness — no one knew how to let loose and have a good time better than you. You were the reigning Twister champ, and you always emerged victorious from the Bolshevik's annual Dance-a-Thon (your signature step, the Funky Chicken, was a huge crowd pleaser). As you were also quite the health fanatic, you developed and patented a set of exercise wheel fitness videos that quickly became all the rage in Siberia. Your commercial success led you to denounce Communism and head for the States, where you ultimately provided the inspiration for a wacky Web site and song.
Click here to find out useless information about yourself.

8. I can't figure out if I'm freezing, or if I'm sweltering.

9. I ran into a guy in Small Town last time I was there, and he asked me how I was doing. I was sick of saying "Great. How about you?", so I said "I've had a really shitty year, and even though I haven't seen you in years, I have nothing of importance to tell you, that you haven't already heard through the grapevine." He thanked me for my honesty, and we had a long conversation about why people feel the need to say "I'm great, how are you?", when really, no one is doing that great. We also pondered why we feel the need to ask people how they are doing and what's new, when we really don't care all that much.

10. George Carlin once said, that if he had his choice of how he would die, he wanted to be sitting on the crosstown bus, and suddenly burst into flames. I think that would be great. What a way to go. You'd probably even make the front page of the newspaper.

Have a good day..................

Update: I'm so fucking bored. I've got another 6 hours before work, and another 48 before I actually have a social function to attend. If I didn't have to work tonight, I'd go to the LB, and get me some cheap wine, and drink my boredom away. Not even cranking up Cypress Hill is cheering me up. It's just making me wish I had a big fattie. Save Me.

Domestic bliss and some bugs

I always feel that much better about myself, when I accomplish something around the house. It's a cheap, time using way of doing something just for me. I feel happier, and the OCD diminishes, when I have a clean kitchen, a load of laundry in the dryer and the plants have been given some water and TLC. Which is what I accomplished this evening, after some coffee, and a chat with Cookeroo about her birthday. But now, I must tackle the bathroom, and after seeing what I saw in the tub, I think I might need a little liquid courage to do this household task.

There was one of those little pill bugs in the tub, just wandering around. He was so ugly and creepy, and he reminded me of the scary bug infested basement of the last house I lived in. So I hit him with a plunger, and washed him down the drain in a rush of hot water. Where there is one of those clear, multi-legged little fuckers, there are a thousand or so more. It's a sign of spring thaw, they like damp places and are looking for somewhere to spend the next few months. So I have decided, to pound back a beer, and go on a killing spree to end all killing sprees. Unless I touch one, then I'm fucking moving. I'm not afraid of bugs, but those things just creep me the hell out. I think it could be because I never saw one in my life until I moved to this city, so I'm not conditioned to deal with them. I'd rather have bats flying around the house, at least they eat mosquitos, and maybe I could encourage them to eat the clear little bugs in the bathroom and basement.

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Maybe you have one of these.

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I am woman, hear me roar. Yesterday was International Woman's Day


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If only I had a husband, all my domestic talents could be of some use. Think you need some help? Check out how to be a good wife.

Just another night at the House of Pain...

I don't scare easily. I'm not afraid of walking down a dark path at night. I'm not afraid of ghosts, or goblins or UFO's, what have you. Anything that most people are weary of, I am not. I am however, very jumpy, when it comes to banging on my door at 2am. Which is what happened tonight. I was getting ready to go to bed, hanging out in my room, listening to community radio, when I thought I heard someone at the door. Since my window was open, I could hear that someone was outside, so I just assumed it was the neighbors, as they keep strange hours like I do. A few seconds later, I heard a BANG BANG BANG on the door. I crept out into the living room, flicked on a light, and peeked through the peephole in the door. Nobody was there, so I walked away, but then a few seconds later, there was more bang-banging. I yelled out, and asked who it was, and of course nobody answered. At that moment I heard a bang at the back door, and more banging at the front door....so I grabbed the phone, and got ready to call someone if need be.

But, of course, it was nothing. My imagination got the best of me. It was V-man at the back door, drunken friends at the front. Fuckers. V-man quickly apologized, he had thought I was working a double shift tonight. I told him it was OK if they hung out here, as long a Skreechy (that's how she sounds) kept it down. I think she's being as quiet as she possible can be, but unfortunatly,to counteract her half-way less irritating voice, GQ has gained control of the stereo, and is cranking my CD's as loud as he can, and every couple minutes I hear more door slamming, so I assume, there are more than 4 people out there, or they are just running in and out of the house.

I guess it's really not that big of a deal, I have brought people over here assuming V-man wasn't here, but I just thought that for once I would fall asleep at an hour that wouldn't make it unbearable to wake up before noon. Even scarier than the knocks at the door though, is the thought of the mess that will be needing to be cleaned up in the morning. I haven't cleaned anything since Thursday, so the house was already in shambles in my humble opinion. Ah well, I guess them's the breaks, of living in someone else's house.

But, if I'm lucky, they will crash here for the night, and I can get up early and do my thing, make some noise, and wake them up an hour after they went to bed. That's what I do, and if I inconvenience someone else, I expect the same rudeness right back.

I'm half-ass thinking I should go out and join them for a beer, but I'm almost out of smokes, so I'd have to go to the store, and that would set in motion a series of events that would guarantee me NOT getting up before noon, possibly not even before I have to catch the bus at 2pm. Plus my eyelids are getting heavy, and since I have the amazing ability to sleep through drunken nonsense noise, I should take advantage of this. I haven't felt tired, at night, for a long time.

The night shifts at work are great. There isn't much to do, and usually they are quiet and relaxing. But they are right fucking up my ability to live in a 9 to 5 world. I'm a night person as it is, and never did well having to get up in the morning with previous jobs, but at least I was tired in the evening, and had a some-what regular sleeping pattern. Now I sleep when my body and the world around me allows me to, and I am pretty sure I can't do this forever, I'll lose my marbles.

And on that note, I'm going to go smoke my last smoke, and try and pass out in my dirty sheets, that I have to get up early tomorrow in order to wash.

My weight loss challenge

My weight has been an issue for me, for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I was not heavy at all, (although I was reminded more than once about what a fat baby I was), but I always felt that I just didn't measure up to my friends, cousins, etc. I have never had an eating disorder of any kind, although, through my teen years, I sometimes wished that I did. Which was sick and twisted, I know, but it would have been a way to get people to feel sorry for me, and to prevent the inevitable weight gain that I thought was in my future. But unfortunatly, I always knew that it was an illness, and I would never be able to turn down a perogy dinner, or some other decadent feast that was at my finger tips. For the first part of puberty, I was always self-concious about my new big boobs, and the fact that I had no waste line or hips. I looked at girls around me, and even though they may not have measured up to me in the breast department, I liked their curvy figures and the fact that they didn't look like a little girl, they looked like women. Some days I thought I was too skinny, other days I thought I was a huge cow. Ah, the joys of being a teenage girl.

When I was approximatly 19 years old, and starting to become less physically active, I shot from a nice 125 lbs., to a whopping 150 lbs. Which, in retrospect, really wasn't that bad. I look at pictures of myself from around that time, and I wish that I looked like that now. Over the next few years, I just kept gaining the weight. I would try and get regular exercise, I would watch what I ate. Even though I wasn't really doing anything to control it, my body mass would rise and fall almost weekly, which inevitably, scored me some incredible stretch-marks. Of course, I'm a big beer drinker, and that helped the weight pile on.

After I had gone travelling in the UK for a couple months in 2003, I returned to Canada 45 lbs. lighter, and fit right in to my skinny jeans. The blubber stayed off for a few months following, mostly due to the fact that I had to walk everywhere, and I was having monetary problems, and couldn't afford to buy groceries. I also wasn't doing much drinking because, well, that costs money too. Even though I felt my life was going right down the shit-hole, I hadn't been that happy with the way I looked in close to 5 years.

About 2 weeks after I broke my leg in February 2004, I noticed the fat creeping back on. Of course it had alot to do with the fact that I was immobile, and anything I ingested, food or otherwise, had no way to be burned off. But even after I recovered somewhat and was moving around a bit, the weight just kept piling on, once again. I hated myself, and I hated my clothes and felt that everything shitty in my life had to be the result of me being a fat cow.

And then winter came once again. I was afraid of the ice, and even when I did walk to a destination, I wasn't burning any calories, because I was walking too slow, in order to be careful. I have achieved the heaviest weight I have ever been this winter of 2005, and I have never been less pleased with the way I look. Of course, I have my days, of looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, "Damn, I look friggin' hot today",but those dreams are always shattered once I see a photo of myself from those confident days, and realize I didn't look smoking hot, I looked like the fattest girl at the party, hockey game, restaurant, pub, etc. I love getting my photo taken, and I love having memories in my photo albums of my life and friends, however, I don't want to look back on these photos years from now, and feel bad about myself, or notice, like how I'm noticing now, that I am bigger than everyone else in the photo combined. I would rather look at these photos, and think "Wow, I sure was having fun." But that sort of thinking can only come with age and confidence.

I could very well be wrong, but I think that my weight also is one of the reasons as to why I am still single. Not that all guys are so shallow that they only care about looks, but let's face it, when you meet someone new, what is the first thing you notice about them? I am always deemed a 'friend' before I am deemed 'that girl I want to be with'. Of course, the lack of confidence in myself has alot to do with it as well, if I don't feel pretty, why would anyone else feel the same way?

I have hit rock bottom in the self-esteem department, and the only one who can pick me up off of the floor is me. Which is why, I have decided that enough is enough, the weight is coming off. The sooner I feel better about the way I look, the sooner I will feel better about my life and myself. I am going to have to give up my salty food addiction and lay off the beer. Thankfully, the weather is getting warmer, and the ice is attempting to melt from the streets and sidewalks, and I will be able to get out into the fresh air and walk those pounds off. I'm never going to have a bikini body, but I can't wait to fit back in to my sexy, skinny jeans. It's as simple as that. Wish me luck.

Quiet House, No Money and Cat Scraps

I must say, compared to the fun and games of last week, this week has been incredibly dull in comparison. Mind you, I'm broke, and back to working nights, so it's not like I could go out on the town and do anything anyways, but I have this nagging feeling that I'm in for incredible boredom from now until St. Patty's Day. There seems to be alot going on in the lives of people around me, and I feel a bit silly by not having anything going on in my life. Or maybe I'm just being a big baby, and feeling a bit left out of the chaos and gossip that surrounds me, even though I know full well, that I would be miserable if I were going through the break-ups, the job stress, the moving, and so on that my friends are going through. It makes no sense, but of course, I rarely understand myself. At the same time, I also have the feeling that, at any moment, I could very well be dragged into the madness, and I'm not sure I could handle that either. Holy hell, I'd like to understand myself for just a minute.

I guess the biggest change for me this week, is living alone. The roomate and her boyfriend officially moved out yesterday, and V-man's gal is back from her trip, so I haven't seen him since Sunday. I must say, it's been much easier to keep a tidy house, and I don't feel bad at all for being in the living room and watching TV. Plus, to top off all this comfy-ness, I can blast my Morrissey as loud as I want, without depressing/bothering the entire household. But even though I'm enjoying the alone time, the cats are having a rough time of it. My kitty's best friend (another kitty), belonged to the roomate, and now V-man's cat is trying desperatly to regain her power over the household, which has led to many a bloody cat-fight, and many whomps on the bum from me for both of them. If I have any good luck left at all, they will work out their territorial and racial problems, and I will not have to endure any more scratches, or being woken up by blood-curdling screams.

I'm not sure if is a good thing or not, but this quiet time, has also given me a chance to do alot of thinking about, well everything. Mostly what I'm looking for in life, or how others are affecting my life, in good ways and bad. And I am happy to report, that the pro's outweigh the con's in how others affect me, my actions, and my life in general. I have been told, and have worried myself, that there are certain people in my life that 'just aren't healthy' for me, but I have come to the realization, that even though I may not be showing my maturity and logic through milestones, I am however showing those traits through the way I deal with these people. I have stopped day-dreaming and thinking up best-case scenarios, and have started thinking like the strong, logical woman that I am. Not that I am never irrational, Jesus, I over-react, and mis-interpret things on a daily basis, but dammit, I'm getting better! Whether some people have noticed it yet or not, I'm doing pretty good for an Aquarius.

Well, I guess that's all for today, I really should get to sleep, as I didn't have a chance to sneak in any shut eye last night, and I would like to be able to enjoy the quiet house for awhile this evening before I have to catch that darn bus half-way to work.

G'night.