Oct 24, 2007

Burned the Fuck Out.

I really, really need a break from the group home. I realized this tonight, when I couldn't bring myself to even give a little bit of a shit when the residents were upset about valid things that would make anybody upset, and the thought of going in again tomorrow, made me want to weep all over the place.

I have been working at the same place, off and on, for eight years. Eight freaking YEARS. Most of the people in my life as of now, who I consider my closest confidants, I have know for less than five. I have only had one relationship in the past 10 years that lasted more than one. Which makes that a long fucking time in the world of Abigail.

I burn out like this at least once a year, and it is usually in the Fall or the Spring. Over the years, I have learned how not to let it affect my personal life in any way, and I leave my work at work. When my shift is over, I hop in the car, light a cigarette, and crank up some sort of angsty music that will help me clear my head before I return home. I walk in the door, pour myself a glass of something alcoholic, and retreat to my bedroom. When I am not burned out, that's all I need. Today, that didn't work. Maybe because the gas gauge was beeping at me to fill it, and I knew I couldn't, because for some reason I didn't get paid today, which is payday. Or maybe because, I know I need a holiday, but until I can be sure that the group home will be fine without me, I can't bring myself to take the time off.

About a week ago, while I was talking to my boss, she brought up the fact that I have never taken a holiday. I reminded her, that I take off at least once a year to somewhere for a couple weeks. She reminded me, that those 'holidays' don't count as holidays, because all I did was cover my shifts, and I never used my holiday pay. Apparently, I have a shitload of money accrued, and I have about 4-5 weeks I can use up.

The thing is, and I didn't want to tell her, is that I know that. I have been waiting for something big to happen, something that I want to save for, and take off to, and maybe never come back if it works out. I want to save that money, and those days, for something real special. I want to book my holidays, take my money, and then call and give them two weeks notice, while I'm gallivanting around Paris, or Peru or Mexico or Thailand.

However, the more overtime I work, the more autism I deal with, the more responsibility that is laid upon me....well, I have to wonder if using up a few of those days wouldn't be such a bad idea. I have nowhere to go right now, but maybe even a few days at home, catching up on day to day things might not be that bad. Hell, I could drink coffee all day, and read a book. I could finish my contract sewing. I could finally return all the phone calls and emails I've missed over the past few months. Maybe I could figure out another way to make money, that didn't deal with the handicapped...not that I have the skills to do anything other than this.

Don't get me wrong. I love my job. If I didn't, I wouldn't have stuck around this long. But I'm starting to think, that maybe I am just not the right person for this job anymore. Or maybe, I just need a break. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

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