Oct 8, 2007

Annoying Little Ray of Sunshine

It used to be, that when things weren't going all that shit-hot in my life, no matter what the situation, I would just want to curl up and die. I could never see the light at the end of the tunnel, or rather, I wouldn't let myself see that light. And then, one day,not too terribly long ago, it hit me. Half of the things that I was upset about, were things that I had done to myself. I was the one who spent all my money, and didn't pay my bills. I was the one that opened my big fat mouth, and stuck my foot in it. I was the one that was making so and so crazy. I was the one who chose to work at jobs that drove my blood pressure through the roof. I was the one who procrastinated at everything, and was always needing to rush around and get things done at the last minute. I accepted the fact that the world wasn't shitting on me, I was shitting on myself. I also accepted the fact, that I am a woman, who will always procrastinate, will always budget her money poorly, and will always say and do things so spontaneously that sometimes my mouth, my actions and my brain just can't get it together all at the same time, to stop me from doing something stupid. I also realized that maybe I was putting all of my energy into getting upset over silly little things, and things that I could control, because I didn't want to deal with the things in my life that really were shitty. There were serious issues, and serious emotional damage that I was just brushing off, instead of dealing with them.

Back in those days, reading a horoscope like this......

A wave of good luck is about to come your way. Difficult situations will get significantly easier, and things will all fall into place. Just in time.

would have made me guffaw, and then puke in my mouth a little bit, followed by a big cry over what a bloody fuckin' liar this horoscope writer was.

But now, I read something like that, and I just think, "Well, of course everything will work out!".

My motto has been, for a few years now, "Everything will work out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out, then it's not the end." But until recently, I never really believed it whole-heartedly myself.

Sometimes, things don't work out. People die. You lose your job. Relationships end. Hearts break. Bank accounts empty. And so on, and so on. Life can really suck though, if you only look at those things. All of the bad stuff that happens in our daily lives, is just a part of life. Just because something craptastic happens, doesn't mean that it will always keep you down. The bad stuff keeps us on our toes, and teaches us life lessons. Everything can't be all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Everything does happen for a reason I think, even if I may not know the reason right away.

It's this way of thinking, that has helped me keep my life much happier, and less poor poor pitiful me. Sure, I still have my days. I get stressed beyond belief. I cry over things that I should have been over a long, long time ago. I get pissy with people for no particular reason. I dread the season's changing. Sometimes, I just want to curl up and die. But the pity party isn't a way of life anymore. I can always see the good things in life, and I embrace them.

I may not be doing everything I want to do, I may not have all the money to even get by, nevermind do everything I want to do, either. I don't think I even know what I want to do, in this life. I have issues that I need to work out, for myself, in order to grow and heal. Most days, I'm still a confused little girl, just trying to fake my way through adult life.

But, I like myself. I like my job. I may not have everything I want, but I can have everything I need. I have a wonderful family who I love with all my heart. I have an amazing boyfriend, who makes every day feel like a wee little adventure. I have a bazillion friends who I can always count on to make me laugh, show me a good time, listen to me bitch, cry and whine, help me out in a pinch, and let me do the same for them.

I may not always remember this when things aren't all sunshine and rainbows, but when it comes right down to it, I heart my life.

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