Me and My Brother

Abigail: Hey fucker, where the hell have you been, I need to talk to you.

Brother: I'm sitting right here, what's up?

Abigail: (whispering) I don't know if you've noticed, because you are retarded, but I've been kinda sorta seeing someone.

Brother: Is he a fucktard?

Abigail: Like all summer, you've seen us together. A lot. Like everytime you see me, you see him. I've been trying to actually speak with you, because I want your input.

Brother: I think I know, but ok, who is it?

Abigail: I figured you weren't paying attention. It's ____.

Brother: Oh yah. You know what that reminds me of....

Abigail: I know, the kids from Roseanne. We're just like the Roseanne show.

Brother laughs, Abigail laughs, we buy another round, and both molest the hot bartender.

Brother: Well that's awesome, ____ is awesome.

Abigail: I know he is. So what's your opinion?

Brother: Well, Abigail, he isn't a pompous ass like ___, he doesn't do coke like ____, he doesn't smoke crack like ___ and ___, and I can't see him doing ___ like ___ and ____, or doing what ____ did to you.

Abigail: Yup, I sure have had a good run, haven't I?

Brother: You date retards. And assholes. Is he good to you? Does he make you happy?

Abigail: Yep, he's good people.

Brother: Well then, I say go for it. Shit, if anything, it'll make family gatherings easier to plan.

Abigail: I think I just will.

Brother: No, like now! Quick! Commit!!! While you're still drunk!!!

Abigail grins ear to ear, and then cackles at that ridiculous statement so hard that she farts.

Brother: Who farted?

Abigail: God, whoever did that is just gross.