Spring Cleaning

Wow....It's Monday, I have the day off, and I didn't have to call in and tell a lame ass lie to do it. It's been a good day off so far. Got up fairly early, went over and snagged Delores, we grabbed a latte and went walking around the lake. Although the weather isn't as beautiful as I had hoped it would be today, it's still rather nice outside, and as soon as I'm done at this here computer, and I get some laundry on the go, I'm getting out of the house to go and do some reading elsewhere. Just because I can.

Just as I suspected I would, I feel much better today. The craziness of the past two weeks is behind me, I started my new job yesterday, and my car will be ready for me today. Things are starting to fall into place, and slow down a notch. Sure, I still have a hundred things to do, but they'll get done. My taxes are number one on my list, and after that, me and my sewing machine need a few hours together, as the Arts Festival is only a few weeks away, and I am not prepared at all. I need to track down a mannequin and a sandwich board and get some jewellery finished up as well...but all of those responsibilities at least contain an element of fun.

As I was laying in bed last night, watching hours upon hours of Law and Order and eating onion rings (sexy, I know), I looked around my bedroom and felt quite disgusted with myself, and my surroundings. For quite a long time now, I have been hiding out in my bedroom, my comfort zone. I retreat into this room as soon as I get home, and once I am in, it takes alot to get me out. Going out into the world lately causes me some anxiety at times, and even when I do want to get out, I am either exhausted or depressed. I find myself forcing myself to get out and see my friends, and then being a big party pooper once I am out.

I have been too busy, and lazy to cook for myself, and have been eating more take-out than I ever have before in my life. Every time the delivery guy comes to the door, I wonder if he sees how pathetic I am. Does he see the sad, sorry state I am in? Does he feel bad for the poor, over-worked single girl, who orders a dinner for two, even though he can see that the only other living beings in the house are cats?

I have basically been living like an old stinky bachelor, who only emerges from his lair to get fucked up and then return to bed. This room is littered with dirty (or is it clean? I can't remember) laundry, mail I've never bothered to open for the past month, beer cans and trashy magazines. The floor is filthy, the bed is unmade, and putting my CD's and movies where they belong has gotten to be too much of a hassle. Could be a big reason why I feel so cluttered and filthy myself.

So, today is the day that I break this cycle. Today I will relax. I will think only of me. I am not going to do anything productive. But tomorrow, this mess is getting cleaned up. I need to organize my surroundings, before I can truly organize my brain.

Interview

I have become a regular reader of Dawn, over at Dawnzer Lee- Light, and she is involved in the "interview a blogger" game, and I just had to hop on board. Basically, one blogger asks another blogger five questions, and they answer them. If anyone wants to join in, just email me, and I'll ask you five questions. The following are the five questions that she has asked me, and I've tried to answer.

1. How old are you? Have you ever lied about your age?

I am twenty-eight. I haven't lied about my age since I was a teenager, and was going to bars in Manitoba underage, or pulling beer for my other underage friends in Saskatchewan. Ah, the days before photo ID was mandatory.....
However, I was tempted the other night, to lie about how old I was, when I was hanging out with a nice strapping young lad, and he revealed that he was only 22. He thought I was 24. I thanked him for being blind, and then came clean and said that I was in fact, 28. He grimaced for a second, and then said, "Oh, that's not that old. At least you look really young." Burn.

2. If you could have a romance with any fictional character, who would it be?

Hmmm...I don't know of anyone that I would want to have an actual romance with, but there are a few characters that a nice spring fling would be fun. A couple of characters that come to mind are Ed Bloom from Big Fish, and Dean Moriarty from On The Road, although I guess he is a real person.

3. If you were permanently exiled from your country - and you could choose to live in any other country which one would you choose?

Wow, I have to choose just one country? I can't travel around and see where I fit in best? No? Oh geez, decisions, decisions. Well, if I was fluent in Francais, I would say France. If I had to continue leading a relatively normal life, and say, have a job, a house, etc, I'd be off to Scotland. If I was truly exiled, and the instructions were to stay away from all civilization, I'd just have to look at the map, and find a nice, remote tropical island to go to, where I could live off of fruit, wear nothing but a sarong, and have a pet monkey.

4. If you could choose any musician or music group to play at your birthday party who would you choose?

Since I'd want to dance on my birthday, and I like to get funky, I would have to say Stevie Wonder, with Prince as the opening act.

5. What are you wearing right now? :-)

Brown yoga pants, green tank top, strapless black bra, and of course, my spectacles, as if I were not, I would not be able to type at this computer.

Hump Day, Minus the Humping

I can't believe it's only Wednesday. It feels as if I have shoved five days worth of duties into three, and the week isn't over yet. Between trying to leave one job on a good note, and starting another with a clear head, I have had to deal with SGI, ignore a massive head cold that came out of nowhere, deal with friends whom for no reason brought me into their personal business, finish up my shifts at my third job, and just in general, get regular day to day things completed. It's been rough. The day job has been my biggest headache, but after 2 days of stressing, and feeling unappreciated, taken advantage of, etc, I left work today with the feeling that my point had gotten across, and I was finally understood. Everything will work out, and I won't have to work myself to the bone for that to happen. (vague, I know, but confidentiality is key...)*

When I got home from work today, I just crashed. I gobbled up my left over Chinese take-out, and passed out on my bed. I didn't even realize I was asleep, until I woke up a few hours later in a panic. I couldn't believe that I had let myself fall asleep, and berated myself for not doing my taxes, for not cleaning my bedroom, doing laundry or going for a walk. I had to stop myself, and remind myself that I am sick, and haven't had time to deal with that. Sleep is good for sick people. Especially people who were up all night with a dry, barking cough and a nose that wouldn't stop running. All the things that I wanted to get done, just might have to wait until next week, when I have more free time.

I made myself some tea, and ran a bath. I forced myself to just look out for me, just for tonight. I took my vitamins, tidied myself up a little, realizing that I have been letting myself go a bit, as of late. As I watched the bath tub fill up with bubbly peach-scented water, it hit me. Loneliness set in. A different kind of loneliness than I had been feeling after the break-up, but still having to do with the break-up, I guess. The last time I was sick, I had someone else to run me a bath, to take care of me, to tell me to take my vitamins and get some rest. I realized that I had been lucky, and now, here I am, having to learn to take care of myself all over again. Not that it's hard. I never forgot how to do it. It's just that it was nice, not having to go through shitty days like today alone. It was nice to feel pampered, like a princess. I need to relearn how to make myself feel that good, on my own, because nobody is going to do it for me. It's a strange feeling, being surrounded by wonderful people, knowing that there are all kinds of people that want to spend time with you, that look out for you, and knowing you aren't alone in the world...but feeling as if you are just that, completely and utterly alone.*

Things haven't been all bad though....just hectic, I guess. It will all slow down come Monday, I'm hoping. My car should be fixed and back in my possession by Friday, the cat is getting fixed tomorrow, and my training at my new job will be complete by Sunday. Monday, my next day off, I will drink. In the afternoon sun, I am hoping. I will finally sit down and finish reading "Cruddy", so I can get it back the uber-fantastic Schmutzie. It will be a glorious day, and I am quite looking forward to all the days off I will be able to have, thanks to my new job. I will have time to sew, and get my wares ready to sell at the festivals. I will have time to go for coffee and hang out in the park. I will have a car, and time to get out of the city every once in awhile. I will be able to save up some money, and start looking for my own place, and just start a new life, on my own. I can start starting over, and worry about me. I can't wait.

* One day, when I am not working in this field, and have left it all behind me....oh the amazing stories I will tell. Names withheld, of course.

* I'm not saying that's the way I've been feeling all the time, but that moment in the bath, was a bit hard to handle.

Givin' Ya What For.....

Dear SGI,

So what you're telling me is, if I pay you $700, you will tow my car to the mechanic of my choice, so I can pay even more money to get it fixed? And you won't replace my stereo, my CD's, or clean the piss smell out of it? Mmm...thanks, but no thanks. Keep the fucking thing. I don't want it, I'll take my $700 and put it towards a new car. Enjoy!

By the way, what do I pay insurance for anyways? Just wondering, because apparently it doesn't cover theft, or damages caused by such a crime.

Go fuck yourselves,

Abigail

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Dear Current Employer,

My last day with you is on Friday. I gave you 2 weeks notice, just like a good girl is supposed to do. All you had to do was hire someone, whom I could properly train to take over for me. Sure, I'm leaving, and I shouldn't care, but if you haven't noticed, I work with a highly complex autistic woman, who just might appreciate having a support worker who actually knows how to take care of her and deal with her. You are screwing her over, not me. Have fun with her, when she loses her noodle, because you are fucking up her life.

Might need a reference one day, so hope you don't read this,

Abigail

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Dear Wendy's,

I needed you today, and you were there. But seriously, what's with the square burgers? Are you just trying to be different, or do they come from square cows?

Thanks for the flatulence,

Abigail

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Dear Punk Rock Show,

Although I would love to attend tonight, and support my friends, you are starting too late in the evening. I have to work in the morning. I need at least 6 hours of restless sleep to function properly. Maybe I am just not as punk rock as I used to be. Please don't judge me, for getting old.

Rock on,

Abigail

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Dear Pile O' Laundry,

I washed you, dried you, and put you back in the hamper. I would appreciate it, if just once, you could help me out and fold yourself and put yourself where you are supposed to be. Unless of course, you like being stepped on, and shoved under the bed.

Love you lots!

Abigail

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Dear Vet Clinic,

Has it ever crossed your mind, that maybe more people would spay or neuter their cats if it was a hell of a lot more affordable? That maybe, when it comes down to eating this month, or fixing your cat, most people will put themselves first? No, you say? I'm way off here, and my cat should always come before me and others, and it shouldn't matter if it costs hundreds of dollars? Ok then.

By the way, you're quite crafty. Are you in cahoots with SGI?

See ya Thursday,

Abigail

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Dear Revenue Canada,

Since I'm going to owe you money anyways, even though in my opinion, I have given you more than enough money already this year, I was wondering if I could just sign the form, send it in, and you could do all the math for me? Thanks a bunch, cause I hate math. And taxes. I say, if I'm giving you the money, you can at least do the work. Earn your keep, bitches!

Love always,

Abigail

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Dear Abigail,

This will all work out. It always does. You can handle whatever is thrown at you. Remember that good things are starting to happen, and soon enough, you will feel good too.

Love,

Yourself

The Winter of My Discontent

Dear Winter,

Just as I started to cheer up, and feel more energetic, you decide to come back in full force. As soon as I got used to wearing sandals, and started to think that heavy jackets were a thing of the past, you dump snow on us, and up the windchill. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking this is a personal attack, but I just can't help but feel that you just don't want me to be happy. Or warm. Or maybe, you heard that Al Gore is coming to town and you want to show him that global warming has nothing on Saskatchewan weather, and can't bring you down. You are tough and stubborn, and are just trying to make a point, right?

Whatever the reason is for your triumphant return, please, just stop and think for a minute about the people you are affecting. The people who just want to have a nice visit with Summer. She only visits for a couple months a year, when you get to hang out with us the rest of the time. You are being selfish. It can't always be about you.

Take a well deserved holiday, get a good rest, and come back in the Fall. Please, I'm begging you.

Yours truly,

Abigail

Time for Bed

I have been having a recurring dream, almost every night, for the past couple of weeks. In the dream, I am walking through a night club with all of my friends in tow. I'm strutting through the crowd like John Travolta, and the other patrons are all stopping what they are doing, (dancing, talking, making out), and turn their heads in slow motion, and stare at me in awe. It's at this moment, that I realize that my friends are all being very protective of me, motioning strangers out of the way of my path, guarding me with their arms, and guiding me to wherever the hell it is we are going. I look down, and see that I am pregnant, big as a house, on the verge of popping any second.

I feel awkward, having everyone treat me like I am so fragile, and I want to be left alone. We all stop in the middle of the club, and everyone begins to chat about how excited they are about my baby, guessing if it is going to be a boy or a girl, planning how they are going to celebrate the birth, etc. I say nothing. I stop, ignore my surroundings,and caress my belly. I can't feel anything. No kicking, no movement what so ever. I feel empty. I realize that the baby is dead...or maybe it's not there at all. I can't decide. Maybe I made it up in my head, and I'm not pregnant at all. I start to worry about how I'm going to break the news to everyone who is so happy for me, start to dread the thought of their disappointed stares, the "I"m so sorry's", and having to explain to everyone how I hadn't noticed that there was something wrong with the baby before now.

At that point, I wake up.

This morning, I dragged out the dream dictionary to try and shed some light on this recurrent dream. It said:

To dream that you are pregnant with the baby dying (or dead) inside of you suggests that a project (at work or in your personal life) you had put a lot of effort into is falling apart or has slowly deteriorated. Nothing is working out the way you want it to.

All things considered, the dream book's interpretation makes sense. Hopefully, that will all change soon.

Thank You For The Music.....

"We can dance if we want to,
We can leave your friends behind.
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance,
Well they're no friends of mine."


Well, judging from the pain that my body is now in, I'll say it was a good weekend. I danced so much last night, that I seriously think I popped my hip out of place, all the muscles in my body are stiff and sore , and my legs are covered in mysterious bruises, which are most likely from the emo kids who like to kick their legs backward while they bop around in slow motion on the dance floor. I stayed up way, way, way too late with CP, and got up way too early. I no longer feel like dry-heaving, thanks to the greasy supper that Delores and I devoured at Trifon's, and am confident that I will get a good nights sleep tonight for the first time in days. Cousin Mike is back safe and sound, and most likely as hungover as I am, in ToonTown, and I'm watching the Juno's wishing I had been able to go with him and check out the Juno parties.My saving grace today, is the cable that the most wonderful V-Man has hooked up in my bedroom (200 channels, holy lick!), so I can say I did more than just lay in bed today and stare at the wall, wondering if I should let out that fart, just in case it turned out to be a shit.

Although I stayed up much too late, and drinking wine at home before going to the bar to drink beer wasn't the greatest idea I had in my life, I am so glad I went out last night, and cut loose. My body may be sore, but my mind seems clearer and my thoughts more positive. I needed to get out there, and shake my booty, and sweat like a pig for a few hours. I let off some steam, I regained some confidence, recieved a couple of nice ego boosts,and smiled my face off all night.

So thanks to my DJ for the music,and thanks to the people that joined me in some good clean fun on the dance floor. I really needed last night to happen, I just didn't realize how much until now.