Just as I suspected I would, I feel much better today. The craziness of the past two weeks is behind me, I started my new job yesterday, and my car will be ready for me today. Things are starting to fall into place, and slow down a notch. Sure, I still have a hundred things to do, but they'll get done. My taxes are number one on my list, and after that, me and my sewing machine need a few hours together, as the Arts Festival is only a few weeks away, and I am not prepared at all. I need to track down a mannequin and a sandwich board and get some jewellery finished up as well...but all of those responsibilities at least contain an element of fun.
As I was laying in bed last night, watching hours upon hours of Law and Order and eating onion rings (sexy, I know), I looked around my bedroom and felt quite disgusted with myself, and my surroundings. For quite a long time now, I have been hiding out in my bedroom, my comfort zone. I retreat into this room as soon as I get home, and once I am in, it takes alot to get me out. Going out into the world lately causes me some anxiety at times, and even when I do want to get out, I am either exhausted or depressed. I find myself forcing myself to get out and see my friends, and then being a big party pooper once I am out.
I have been too busy, and lazy to cook for myself, and have been eating more take-out than I ever have before in my life. Every time the delivery guy comes to the door, I wonder if he sees how pathetic I am. Does he see the sad, sorry state I am in? Does he feel bad for the poor, over-worked single girl, who orders a dinner for two, even though he can see that the only other living beings in the house are cats?
I have basically been living like an old stinky bachelor, who only emerges from his lair to get fucked up and then return to bed. This room is littered with dirty (or is it clean? I can't remember) laundry, mail I've never bothered to open for the past month, beer cans and trashy magazines. The floor is filthy, the bed is unmade, and putting my CD's and movies where they belong has gotten to be too much of a hassle. Could be a big reason why I feel so cluttered and filthy myself.
So, today is the day that I break this cycle. Today I will relax. I will think only of me. I am not going to do anything productive. But tomorrow, this mess is getting cleaned up. I need to organize my surroundings, before I can truly organize my brain.