Hump Day, Minus the Humping

I can't believe it's only Wednesday. It feels as if I have shoved five days worth of duties into three, and the week isn't over yet. Between trying to leave one job on a good note, and starting another with a clear head, I have had to deal with SGI, ignore a massive head cold that came out of nowhere, deal with friends whom for no reason brought me into their personal business, finish up my shifts at my third job, and just in general, get regular day to day things completed. It's been rough. The day job has been my biggest headache, but after 2 days of stressing, and feeling unappreciated, taken advantage of, etc, I left work today with the feeling that my point had gotten across, and I was finally understood. Everything will work out, and I won't have to work myself to the bone for that to happen. (vague, I know, but confidentiality is key...)*

When I got home from work today, I just crashed. I gobbled up my left over Chinese take-out, and passed out on my bed. I didn't even realize I was asleep, until I woke up a few hours later in a panic. I couldn't believe that I had let myself fall asleep, and berated myself for not doing my taxes, for not cleaning my bedroom, doing laundry or going for a walk. I had to stop myself, and remind myself that I am sick, and haven't had time to deal with that. Sleep is good for sick people. Especially people who were up all night with a dry, barking cough and a nose that wouldn't stop running. All the things that I wanted to get done, just might have to wait until next week, when I have more free time.

I made myself some tea, and ran a bath. I forced myself to just look out for me, just for tonight. I took my vitamins, tidied myself up a little, realizing that I have been letting myself go a bit, as of late. As I watched the bath tub fill up with bubbly peach-scented water, it hit me. Loneliness set in. A different kind of loneliness than I had been feeling after the break-up, but still having to do with the break-up, I guess. The last time I was sick, I had someone else to run me a bath, to take care of me, to tell me to take my vitamins and get some rest. I realized that I had been lucky, and now, here I am, having to learn to take care of myself all over again. Not that it's hard. I never forgot how to do it. It's just that it was nice, not having to go through shitty days like today alone. It was nice to feel pampered, like a princess. I need to relearn how to make myself feel that good, on my own, because nobody is going to do it for me. It's a strange feeling, being surrounded by wonderful people, knowing that there are all kinds of people that want to spend time with you, that look out for you, and knowing you aren't alone in the world...but feeling as if you are just that, completely and utterly alone.*

Things haven't been all bad though....just hectic, I guess. It will all slow down come Monday, I'm hoping. My car should be fixed and back in my possession by Friday, the cat is getting fixed tomorrow, and my training at my new job will be complete by Sunday. Monday, my next day off, I will drink. In the afternoon sun, I am hoping. I will finally sit down and finish reading "Cruddy", so I can get it back the uber-fantastic Schmutzie. It will be a glorious day, and I am quite looking forward to all the days off I will be able to have, thanks to my new job. I will have time to sew, and get my wares ready to sell at the festivals. I will have time to go for coffee and hang out in the park. I will have a car, and time to get out of the city every once in awhile. I will be able to save up some money, and start looking for my own place, and just start a new life, on my own. I can start starting over, and worry about me. I can't wait.

* One day, when I am not working in this field, and have left it all behind me....oh the amazing stories I will tell. Names withheld, of course.

* I'm not saying that's the way I've been feeling all the time, but that moment in the bath, was a bit hard to handle.