"To imagine is everything, to know is nothing at all." - Anatole France
Ever since I was a child, I have enjoyed, and needed, time to myself. Although for the most part, I am a very social person, and love being around people, young and old, strangers or old friends, I crave time alone, and when I don't feel I am getting enough "me" time....I get grouchy, and I get sad. I think deep down, I am a loner, a drifter, a dreamer. Creativity is somewhat stifled when there are other human beings around me, I can't even make a proper bead necklace at times. I can't write, for fear that someone will see what I am writing before I even know if I want them to read what I have written. I don't sing or play a musical intstrument, if I know that someone is within earshot. I suppose, it's just the shyness in me coming out at those times, the fear that whatever project or hobby I am engaging in will not be good enough, or will be laughed at. As far as I can recall, I have never been subject to this sort of humiliation, but I have been afraid of it since I came into this world.
My alone time has become less exciting and less imaginative, the older I grow. With computers and cable television surrounding me most of my adult life, they are quick, easy escapes from the world. Reading has become a winter activity, and a way to pass time on the bus. I no longer write stories or poetry, I think in part because I no longer have the angst that at one time consumed me. The only thing that hasn't changed, is my incredible imaginary world that I live out in my head. I imagine different "everyday" scenarios, and how they may play out, no matter how far-fetched. I replay arguments, apologies, and even tiny pieces of milestone days and how I should or could have dealt with them, in order to make them more interesting and unforgettable, with the skill of a classic thespian.
The worlds I lived in as a child were not full of fairies, monsters or mythical lands. GQ and I had an imaginary family that we spent quite a bit of time with, if I remember correctly, they lived in a tree in the back yard, the parents were Sue and Bob and they had a few kids. My own imaginary friend, was a little gnome-like character, and she used to try and scare me at night, by hanging out in my closet telling me horrible stories and staring at me while I slept on the top bunk, but by day, she loved to tag along with me, on walks into the fields, and on bike rides down the grid, and we had a whole crapload of fun and trouble, mucking about in creeks, and peeing in the bush, 'cause we wandered too far from home.
I used to love putting on my cross-country ski's and heading out into the field, to spend my time living out my imaginary winter world, where I actually was good at winter sports, and just thinking about life.....which at that time, was much less complicated than life can be now! When at the cabin, I loved getting up at 5am, and walking or cycling on the bike paths, when no one else was around, singing and laughing, and making up scenarios of people or animals I may run into on the lonely tree lined paths. Even though, I also did these things with my friends, cousins and neighbors on any given day, I always felt so unleashed, Bohemian really, when I would venture out on my own.
The past week or so has been hectic as all hell from the get go. There has been alot of stress and anger on many levels, felt by all. We have had many wonderful visitors, some fantastic nights out, and even a couple great afternoons, when the sun would peek out from behind the snow filled clouds. And as of yesterday, I burned out. All I could think of was cooping myself up, doing my thing, having a good cry, and getting some much needed sleep. I did get out for a nice walk in the evening, and after grumbling my way to bed at 1am, I awoke this morning, feeling 100% better. The temperature is perfect, I recieved a wedding invitiation from Maggie May, and I don't have any new zits. Now I just hope that all will forgive me, for being so dull and lifeless yesterday, and not having the energy to entertain my guests!
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For all of you who live in The City, if you are looking for something to do tonight, make your way to Gabbo's. I unfortunatly can't go, so everyone else should. It'll be a time.
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