I'll get down on my knees, and do what you please...

O, all powerful Mother Nature.

I believe in your power and the power the weather has on my mood.

I beg of you,

Please,

For the love of pedestrians and those who take public transit,

Let the sunshine pour down upon us,

Instead of this never-ending rain.

A-wo-men.

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Be thankful fellow Bloggers, that you don't have to worry about this.

Procrastinating since 1979!

Instead of writing the article I am supposed to be writing for Hobbsley, I have been endlessly surfing the InterWeb, and piddling about the house. Not that I haven't done anything today, I took my bicycle in to get repaired and went for a fantastic lunch with the B-Rock, before chain-smoking in the sunshine soaked backyard of the House of Pain, and pondering about how to get rid of those feckin' dandilions that have overrun the entire garden. ( I do however, finally understand why my parents hate the pretty little yellow weeds so much! )

I really am the biggest, baddest procrastinator of them all, and I have a feeling I'll be pumping out an article or two in the wee hours of the night, while I'm at work, instead of doing the work I get paid to do there. I have a horrible habit that forces me to do anything but the job/chore/activity that needs to be accomplished on any given day, successfully filling my day with activities that need not have been done right that moment. Maybe there's a pill out there that I can take for that. I'll have to check my Spam folder, I'm sure some focker is out there peddling online drugs that cure procrastination.

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And I thought I was wasting my time. Or maybe I'm just jealous that I have neither the time, nor the money to do what he's doing.

Dick Cheney. What a man, what a man. Watch the doc about his Ascent to Power online.

I've become addicted to reading Moby's thoughts.

After receiving many, many invitations, I finally have joined Hi5. I really don't understand what the purpose is, if I want to stay connected to friends, I call them, email them, or get a plane to write a note in the sky for me. I guess it's fun to check out just how I'm connected to certain people. It's a good thing for nosy people I guess!

I'm liking HyperDictionary.

I rolled over, and there it was, laying on my nightstand....

I came across my journal today. I hadn't even thought about it in about a year, and the last entry written was dated May 16, 2002. I had apparently been drinking in the Latin Quarter of Montreal that day, and was trying to think of a good reason to go back to The City. Romantic life was not so good at that time, and I felt there was nothing for me back home, but there could be a future for me in a city where I could start fresh, and didn't know anyone except the traveller's and staff at the Auberge de Jeunesse.

B-Rock bought me the journal years ago, to record all my travel stories in, and although it does contain details of that trip to Montreal I took that month in 2002, for the most part, it is a minute by minute account of the last 2-3 months of the timultuous relationship that was B-Rock and Abigail, with some horrificly depressing details of what exactly I thought of myself that spring.

As I sat down on the front stoop with a cup of coffee to read it this morning, I had no idea of the range of emotions that would come flooding back to me. Days, events and arguements that I had completely forgot about, were right there, in big messy grammatically correct writing. The young woman writing in that journal, I realized, was a complete stranger to me, and I wished I could go back in time, find the old me, and give her a big hug, and tell her, that no matter what she was thinking then, it really was going to get better in time. I wished I could go back and warn her not to say that, worry about her, or do such and such.

If only I knew then what it is I know now.........

Oh my god, I am so freaking dull.

I am a total copy-cat this week. Here's a little something that Politiko and Friday did, that they copied from others. Except, it's about me, so I guess it's not totally copied. Duh.

10 years ago...

* I was 16.
* I met a cool red-headed girl named Marie , with a Dead Kennedy's T-shirt, combat boots and a kilt, and finally felt like I could act like myself with the arrival of the new girl in town.
* I wore big baggy clothes, thought I was hot shit, and got into trouble for no reason at all other than to piss off my mother and any other authority figure.
* My boyfriend was a total loser, but I really thought he was funny, until he cheated on me with my best girlfriend at the time. I broke up with a really nice guy to be with him. Oops.
* I started hanging out with J during extra-curricular activities, and fell madly in love, but didn't tell him that until I was in grade 12.

5 years ago....

* I was 21.
* I was madly in love with B-Rock and thought we were going to get married and stay together forever.
* We lived in a small apartment and I liked "playing house" so much, I didn't bother making any new friends.
* I loved my job, but hated the majority of the people I worked with.
* I loved going out dancing and drinking as often as possible, and would go home to bed as soon as the bar closed.

3 years ago...

* I was 23.
* My rocky relationship with B-Rock ended.
* I hated my job, but loved the people I worked with.
* I made a ton of new friends, and we all liked to go out dancing at skanky bars and making out with each other.
* I was afraid I'd be alone forever.

1 year ago...

* I was 25.
* I lost track of some friends, but had made many new ones.
* I was afraid I was going to be alone forever.
* Life was tough, with money and family troubles.
* I was ambulatory with the aid of crutches and a cane.

Today...

* I am 26.
* I am starting to figure out who I am and what I need and want, and I have become a more mature version of my 16 year old self, which I am happy about. I am especially happy about the confidence and the smart mouth returning, although some may disagree.
* I don't give a rat's ass if I'm alone forever.
* I am bored of my job, and like some of the people I work with.
* I prefer to dance in my living room with friends, and almost never go straight to bed after the bar closes.

May Long Wisdom

May Long Weekend. It's maybe even more predictable than New Year's Eve, when it comes down to how much fun you are going to have, how the weather is going to be. Everyone gets so excited about it, but usually it's a big let-down, because you put too much pressure on the fun factor, and one of your friends usually falls in a fire, or gets picked up for drunk driving. This year, I opted out of all the May Long Weekend activities of year's past, because a) I knew the weather was going to be shit on Saturday, but would warm up today or tomorrow, when I had to head back to the city and b) I chose to work all weekend, and then make everyone work for me on July Long Weekend, when Thee Big Ol' Camping Trip of Chaos is going to happen. I thought it was a grand plan.

I can honestly say that the past week has been totally forgettable. There are hardly any details worth mentioning, and I really have zero stories to tell. But hey, you have to have weeks like these, in order to appreciate the fun-filled ones to come. Even fun can be boring when you're having it all the time!
However, since I know that I have friends that can never find me, and like to find out what's going on with me, here are the only things I remember from the past 7 days.

Sunday -- Came in third at Pub Trivia. Got a free beer coupon.

Monday --I do not recall anything happening on Monday at all. There isn't anything in my day planner to help me remember either.

Tuesday -- Day from Hell. Work, taking people to appointments, bitchy hormonal staff meeting, then out for beers. It was raining, and I got many compliments on my umbrella. Met some guy who was with the Queen's Honor Guard, think his name was Duncan.

Wednesday -- Fuck all. Went to work, most likely came home and played Scrabble Online.

Thursday -- Left work and headed straight to the Pub, thinking I was going to have a spanktastic time. There was nobody there to hang out with. Used my beer coupon from Sunday, and headed home.

Friday -- B-Rock picked me up after work, and we headed downtown. A good chunk of people I was hoping to see had just left, but thankfully there were other friends, who graciously let us share their picnic table. Schmutzie was wearing spectacular shoes, and everyone was in good spirits. B-Rock and I headed back to my place. While sitting on the front stoop having a cigarette, we noticed 2 big dogs running down the sidewalk, side by side. They were smiling ( I swear ), and one of them looked right B-Rock right in the eye. They ran past, and then disappeared right before my eyes. I couldn't stop talking about the "ghost dogs", and B-Rock had once again received confirmation that I was crazy.

Saturday -- Walked home from work in the pouring rain. My umbrella was of no use to me. The warranty on my umbrella that we were all laughing about on Tuesday, is missing. Fucking thing flipped inside out in the rain and broke. That's what I get for making fun of the ridiculous warranty.....ah well, as I realized on Tuesday, it would be cheaper and quicker just to go and buy a new one if need be! My evening consisted of waiting for pizza, eating pizza and SNL. Fell asleep instead of heading over to Dynomite and Cookeroo's place.

And well, here we are at today. I was supposed to work at midnight tonight, but due to some last minute schedule shuffling, I have the evening off. B- Rock just called from the campground office, ( I was staring at the phone thinking, "What the hell is my dad calling me from work for?"...hehehe) and our Canada Day plans are set in motion and the site is booked!! As far as I know, everyone I know already has plans, or is out of town, so I'm going to make a couple calls to people I never see, and head downtown, with a book, and let adventure find me. As B-Rock says, I seem to have more adventure when I'm left on my own. Which is true. I do great on my own. Reading a book in a public place peaks people's interest, and you start to talking, and you start to drinking, and the next thing you know, you've got stories to tell.

Have a great May Long everyone, and all you youngsters, please attempt to treat our provincial parks with respect. Leave the picnic tables where they are, drink your booze from plastic, solid colored cups, keep the music turned down, and stay out of trouble.

S-A-T-U-R.....D-A-Y....NIGHT!

It's Saturday evening, and I have nothing to do. Well, I could go to a gallery opening, and I just may have to, since I can't find anyone to drink with. Not that the opening would suck, I'm just feeling a bit redneck today, and want to get stupid and crush a beer can on my forehead. (ok, I don't even know how to crush a beercan on my head, but if I could, I would. It's just the mood I'm in.)

I had fully intended to spend tonight at home, as V-man and the g-friend are out of town, and vegging in an empty house seemed like a fantastic idea...... until I drank the Molson Cold Shot in the fridge. Now, I'm all dressed up, listening to Charlie Parker and Leadbelly, and itching to get out on the town. It's raining, but it smells beautiful outside, and thankfully, I have my umbrella, and fully intend to head out on my own, as soon as I pry my closet door open to get my coat. Should take awhile, since the doorknob is in just as spinny a mood as I.

Maybe by then, I'll have recieved a call from a soul who is feeling just as devilish as I, and I can go out and let trouble find me.

Once again, we made the News!!!

Yet another tragedy has occured in Small Town. This time, the conclusion has been murder-suicide. Relatively new to town, native family with 6 kids under 16. Opened a little diner, that had great food, if you ask me, and that's all I know about them. Husband shoots wife in front of the kids in the wee hours of the morning, then proceeds outside to shoot himself. An elderly woman I've known my entire life (and she's always been elderly to me), witnesses this, and goes to check on the children and call for help.

As I watched the news last night in disbelief, I couldn't help but think, just how not shocking this incident was. If I hear that Small Town will be on the news at 6:00, I tune in, and see murders, attempted murders, suicides, robberies, farm accidents, car accidents that claim the lives of many, undrinkable water, and a mayor being ousted by childish, gossip-addled citizens of the town. It's always been this way. Tragedy after freaking tragedy. One hard knock after the other. And gossip gets the best of ya, sometimes.

I spent a good chunk of my evening, conversing with a co-worker, (who happens to be quite familiar with Small Town and area, due to her family being from 'round d'os parts' ) about what exactly has made Small Town the way it is. I only lived there for 19- 20 years at best, and I know there was always the same old shit going on long before I arrived on the Plains, because adults told me so. Mrs. Bird (my co-worker), said that she thinks the main reason for the "troubles" is racism. She said that it goes both ways, and neither race ever helps each other the way that they should. And that's true. You hear all about the Evil White Man, and the Lazy Indians, day after day, year after year. Really though, Evil White Man, is a farmer who's been in debt since the Depression, and the Lazy Indian is just looking for a break. Both groups have the same troubles when it comes right down to it though.

Alcoholism is a big one. The native people are somehow singled out by the townspeople (white and otherwise), because they are more visible. But there are quiet a few white housewives, farmers, teenagers and so on, who are drunks as well.....they just work harder at concealing it when they go into Town. The lack of employment opportunities, make most young people, regardless of race, leave town, to search for greener pastures. The ones who stay find work here and there, and what work they do find, most likely isn't very high paying, or very stimulating. Waitressing, helping on farms, construction, pumping gas......it doesn't really get any better than that if you are under-educated. (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs, I've been there). When the students come home in the summer, they get the government and the tourism-fuelled seasonal jobs.

So what have we come up with? Racism, alcoholism and a high unemployment rate. That describes every town in Saskatchewan with a declining and aging population, with businesses closing their doors, and real-estate signs on the lawn of every second house.

What makes Small Town different then you ask? I can't say for sure, it just is, and I have always known it, every since I was younger, and my friends,cousins, and natives from other communities, sports teams and tourists showed us just how different we were by being afraid or weary to go downtown when they were there. They felt uncomfortable. I never knew exactly why, other than knowing that something was wrong with all of us. Other towns go unnoticed, never making the news, never having to deal with anything that CSI's need to be brought in for. We have always dealt, as a community, and it gives the coffee crowd, the business owners and the farm wives something to talk about, and yet another thing to fear.

I'm sure someone with a Sociology, or Indian Studies degree, could give me a long winded answer to why Small Town is the way it is, just as one of the regular coffee consumers at the diner could tell a story as to why the owner was shot by her husband. And I'd love to hear it all, but just don't think for a second that you know it all until you've lived in the shoes of the citizens of my hometown and the surrounding area, otherwise, one of them is going to tell you,

"No you don't get it. You just don't understand. There's more to the story. We ARE different. Hear me out."

Ah, to be a child again....

"To imagine is everything, to know is nothing at all." - Anatole France

Ever since I was a child, I have enjoyed, and needed, time to myself. Although for the most part, I am a very social person, and love being around people, young and old, strangers or old friends, I crave time alone, and when I don't feel I am getting enough "me" time....I get grouchy, and I get sad. I think deep down, I am a loner, a drifter, a dreamer. Creativity is somewhat stifled when there are other human beings around me, I can't even make a proper bead necklace at times. I can't write, for fear that someone will see what I am writing before I even know if I want them to read what I have written. I don't sing or play a musical intstrument, if I know that someone is within earshot. I suppose, it's just the shyness in me coming out at those times, the fear that whatever project or hobby I am engaging in will not be good enough, or will be laughed at. As far as I can recall, I have never been subject to this sort of humiliation, but I have been afraid of it since I came into this world.

My alone time has become less exciting and less imaginative, the older I grow. With computers and cable television surrounding me most of my adult life, they are quick, easy escapes from the world. Reading has become a winter activity, and a way to pass time on the bus. I no longer write stories or poetry, I think in part because I no longer have the angst that at one time consumed me. The only thing that hasn't changed, is my incredible imaginary world that I live out in my head. I imagine different "everyday" scenarios, and how they may play out, no matter how far-fetched. I replay arguments, apologies, and even tiny pieces of milestone days and how I should or could have dealt with them, in order to make them more interesting and unforgettable, with the skill of a classic thespian.

The worlds I lived in as a child were not full of fairies, monsters or mythical lands. GQ and I had an imaginary family that we spent quite a bit of time with, if I remember correctly, they lived in a tree in the back yard, the parents were Sue and Bob and they had a few kids. My own imaginary friend, was a little gnome-like character, and she used to try and scare me at night, by hanging out in my closet telling me horrible stories and staring at me while I slept on the top bunk, but by day, she loved to tag along with me, on walks into the fields, and on bike rides down the grid, and we had a whole crapload of fun and trouble, mucking about in creeks, and peeing in the bush, 'cause we wandered too far from home.

I used to love putting on my cross-country ski's and heading out into the field, to spend my time living out my imaginary winter world, where I actually was good at winter sports, and just thinking about life.....which at that time, was much less complicated than life can be now! When at the cabin, I loved getting up at 5am, and walking or cycling on the bike paths, when no one else was around, singing and laughing, and making up scenarios of people or animals I may run into on the lonely tree lined paths. Even though, I also did these things with my friends, cousins and neighbors on any given day, I always felt so unleashed, Bohemian really, when I would venture out on my own.

The past week or so has been hectic as all hell from the get go. There has been alot of stress and anger on many levels, felt by all. We have had many wonderful visitors, some fantastic nights out, and even a couple great afternoons, when the sun would peek out from behind the snow filled clouds. And as of yesterday, I burned out. All I could think of was cooping myself up, doing my thing, having a good cry, and getting some much needed sleep. I did get out for a nice walk in the evening, and after grumbling my way to bed at 1am, I awoke this morning, feeling 100% better. The temperature is perfect, I recieved a wedding invitiation from Maggie May, and I don't have any new zits. Now I just hope that all will forgive me, for being so dull and lifeless yesterday, and not having the energy to entertain my guests!

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For all of you who live in The City, if you are looking for something to do tonight, make your way to Gabbo's. I unfortunatly can't go, so everyone else should. It'll be a time.