Annoying Little Ray of Sunshine

It used to be, that when things weren't going all that shit-hot in my life, no matter what the situation, I would just want to curl up and die. I could never see the light at the end of the tunnel, or rather, I wouldn't let myself see that light. And then, one day,not too terribly long ago, it hit me. Half of the things that I was upset about, were things that I had done to myself. I was the one who spent all my money, and didn't pay my bills. I was the one that opened my big fat mouth, and stuck my foot in it. I was the one that was making so and so crazy. I was the one who chose to work at jobs that drove my blood pressure through the roof. I was the one who procrastinated at everything, and was always needing to rush around and get things done at the last minute. I accepted the fact that the world wasn't shitting on me, I was shitting on myself. I also accepted the fact, that I am a woman, who will always procrastinate, will always budget her money poorly, and will always say and do things so spontaneously that sometimes my mouth, my actions and my brain just can't get it together all at the same time, to stop me from doing something stupid. I also realized that maybe I was putting all of my energy into getting upset over silly little things, and things that I could control, because I didn't want to deal with the things in my life that really were shitty. There were serious issues, and serious emotional damage that I was just brushing off, instead of dealing with them.

Back in those days, reading a horoscope like this......

A wave of good luck is about to come your way. Difficult situations will get significantly easier, and things will all fall into place. Just in time.

....... would have made me guffaw, and then puke in my mouth a little bit, followed by a big cry over what a bloody fuckin' liar this horoscope writer was.

But now, I read something like that, and I just think, "Well, of course everything will work out!".

My motto has been, for a few years now, "Everything will work out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out, then it's not the end." But until recently, I never really believed it whole-heartedly myself.

Sometimes, things don't work out. People die. You lose your job. Relationships end. Hearts break. Bank accounts empty. And so on, and so on. Life can really suck though, if you only look at those things. All of the bad stuff that happens in our daily lives, is just a part of life. Just because something craptastic happens, doesn't mean that it will always keep you down. The bad stuff keeps us on our toes, and teaches us life lessons. Everything can't be all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Everything does happen for a reason I think, even if I may not know the reason right away.

It's this way of thinking, that has helped me keep my life much happier, and less poor poor pitiful me. Sure, I still have my days. I get stressed beyond belief. I cry over things that I should have been over a long, long time ago. I get pissy with people for no particular reason. I dread the season's changing. Sometimes, I just want to curl up and die. But the pity party isn't a way of life anymore. I can always see the good things in life, and I embrace them.

I may not be doing everything I want to do, I may not have all the money to even get by, nevermind do everything I want to do, either. I don't think I even know what I want to do, in this life. I have issues that I need to work out, for myself, in order to grow and heal. Most days, I'm still a confused little girl, just trying to fake my way through adult life.

But, I like myself. I like my job. I may not have everything I want, but I can have everything I need. I have a wonderful family who I love with all my heart. I have an amazing boyfriend, who makes every day feel like a wee little adventure. I have a bazillion friends who I can always count on to make me laugh, show me a good time, listen to me bitch, cry and whine, help me out in a pinch, and let me do the same for them.

I may not always remember this when things aren't all sunshine and rainbows, but when it comes right down to it, I heart my life.

I Think I'll Name Her Amelie.

Remember way back when, when Martha W was driving me frickin' nutty with her unintelligible writing on bathroom stall walls? Well, she's gone now. Someone scrubbed her off the wall. I have since become less insane, and my blood pressure doesn't begin to rise every time I need to pee at The Pub.

My favorite stall remained empty and boring for quite some time, but now, I have this little cutie patootie to look at while I do my business.

Why she was drawn there, I don't know. But, I do enjoy her happy little grin, and she makes me want to dance.

Oh, and please don't ask me why I take so many photos of bathroom graffiti, because I have no idea, other than it's just darn interesting to me.

Right on the Money Horoscope.

Abigail's Horoscope for October 6, 2007: It's going to be hard to get much work done today, thanks to a bunch of freaky interruptions that seem to come from out of nowhere. You'll end up doing fine in the long run, though it may be exasperating.

No shit. I work at a group home. Every time I sit down to do anything, especially if it's paper work, working with numbers and money, or at the computer, I'm guaranteed to have someone interrupt me. Usually, they do need assistance, but sometimes, they just want to throw their shirt at my head, ask me the same question they've asked me 45 times already, or steal my coffee and dump it down the sink.

So yes, this horoscope was right on target. I tried my darnedest today, but I am still weeks behind on my mountain of paperwork.

At least, The Cookster has offered to buy me a couple pints tonight, so I should be fine in the long run.

Apparently, my slow decent into alcoholism can't even be slowed down by an empty bank account.

Money, That's What We Want.

I hate being broke. What I hate more about being broke, is when I look at my bank statement to see why I am broke a week before payday, and realize that on top of having to pay my student loan, contributing to mutual funds and paying rent, if I didn't smoke, didn't have a car and didn't eat, I would actually have some money in my account. I was pleasantly surprised to see that beer didn't really factor in to this equation so far this month, because I hate to blame beer for anything.

Yes, cigarettes are a total waste of money. That's a given. I smack myself regularily for wasting money on killing myself, but I happen to enjoy killing myself, so we'll leave that one alone. For now. What really kills me, is that I am stressed out, and can't afford cigarettes, so I want to smoke even more than I normally do.

I love my car. It takes me here, there and everywhere, and in a pinch, I think I'll be able to live in it. I just don't love the bank that keeps taking double payments out of my account every two weeks. They, are the devil.

This month, I chose to not go to the grocery store for food, and instead go to the Farmer's Market twice a week for beetniks and veggies and live off the staples that I have in my cupboard. I am trying to eat at least three times a day, instead of once, or not at all, and I figured that buying fresh veggies and homemade Ukranian food would help me accomplish this goal. I've been doing OK, but sometimes, I'm lazy, and I go and eat out. Now I have a new goal, which is to not eat out, and just eat what is in the kitchen.

So, I guess other than the devil bank, the rest of this is all my fault. And that's a tough pill to swallow.

When I started this new job, I thought I'd be flush. But apparently, the more money I make, the more money I spend, and I still don't have the money for a winter coat, socks or garbage bags for the house. I need to get my shit together, and fast.

But until then, I'll just pray that my GST cheque shows up pronto, and I'll take some bottles in, and lay low, and come up with a plan to budget more appropriatly from now on, so I can have what I want, and purchase what I need, and hopefully even save some money to get the hell outta dodge for a bit this spring.

Extraordinary Machine

The Great Mo-Fo De-Lurk 2007

It is after midnight, so it is officially De-Lurking Day!




I must admit, I am a bit nervous about this whole day. What if my lurkers don't come out to play? Will they choose to stay in hiding, instead of just popping in to say hello? Sure, a couple of people have officially de-lurked, and that made me happy, but where is everyone else? Am I putting too much into this Great Mo-Fo De-Lurk, and is it worth putting my heart on the line?

Whatever happens, I just want to thank all who read me, from the bottom of my bloggin' heart. I know you're there from the hits, and I can see where you come from thanks to the StatCounter visitor map. I can even see which pages you have read. Wait a minute...maybe I am the one who is the lurker...or stalker....I seem to know way too much about you!

The greatest thing about De-Lurking Day, is the fact that I FINALLY get to meet the fabulous Madame Diva tonight, and she will get to meet oh, everyone I know, because The Pub is going to be action packed with hi-jinx and laughter, and maybe even tears, for an evening of celebrating the fact that we're all such wonderful friends.

Have a great day everyone.

* kisses and hugs*

Abigail Road