I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I've always been a sensitive girl, but this is getting ridiculous. Last week, I freaked out because of a comment about mayonnaise, and ended up having a horrible day because of it (thankfully, I deleted that blog post before anyone saw it) , and tonight, I lose it because Smyrish noticed my wrinkles around my eyes, thus, I am sleeping on the couch, because I'm too embarrassed and stubborn to go to my bed.
When it comes to my body, and the changes it has made, I am, I admit, overly-sensitive. I am trying to lose weight, and it's not happening. Taking care of the hair on my upper lip has become more of a hobby than a nuisance. My stretch marks, are more pronounced. The tits? They're down to the floor, along with my ass. My wrinkles, are obvious, and I hate them. And yes, I know, that if I wore sunblock and didn't smoke, I probably wouldn't have them anyways.
Which brings me to my point, I think. There was a time, not long ago, when I didn't have to think about the things that I did, or the effects they had on me and my body.
I had all the time in the world, to be unhealthy, party, travel, work, and in general just fuck the dog all the live long day.
I could party all night, and still function at work the next day.
I could smoke and burn in the sun all I wanted, and never thought twice about getting a damn wrinkle, or god forbid, cancer.
I could eat all I wanted, and know that I'd burn it off somehow.
I could waste money and time, however I saw fit, just because it made me happy, and not worry about the consequences, until it was absolutely necessary.
I'm afraid of wasting time now, although I do it so well.
When I was 23, I couldn't wait to be 30. I thought that by now, everything would have worked itself out, and I'd have my head together, and life would be fucking glorious. No more self-torture, no more dating problems, a shitload of self-confidence, and a good head on my shoulders. That's what 23 year old me thought I was gonna be.
In some ways, I am better than 23 year old me. I really have learned from some of my mistakes and experiences. But for the most part, I haven't changed a bit. The insecurity is still there. The fear of being bored with life, never goes away. The confidence comes in and out of my life like that friend that you don't really see that often, and aren't that upset about.
I'm going to be 30 in January.
There were so many things I was going to do. So many places I was going to go. I haven't finished yet, there just wasn't time. I am not even going to have the money, or the time off from work to celebrate my 30th as I had planned. And that's all my fault.
Thirty hasn't even hit yet, and all I am worried about is time. That there isn't enough time left. I'm not 23 anymore, I'm 29, and I have just realized that I am not immortal. When is it time to have a baby? When is it time to settle down? Is there time to work and play all in the same day? How do I find the time to visit people I love and miss? If I take the time to have adventures, where does the money come from for 'real life' needs? What the hell am I supposed to be doing here?
I feel so much pressure to have all the answers, and have everything figured out. But really, nobody is pressuring me, except me. And I don't even know why. I think that I can easily blame everything on my body issues, because that's easier. It's easier to feel ugly, than feel lost and confused.
My god. Look at the time. It's 2:40am. I better try and get some sleep, otherwise there will be no time to relax before I have to go to work in the afternoon.
Nov 13, 2008
Nov 4, 2008
Cough, Gag, Snort, Itch, Fart
Dear Immune System,
I don't know if you have realized this, but lately, you have really been slacking in the germ fighting department. You have always been so on top of things, and I respected you for that, even bragged about you, but the past few months, I have found that you just aren't up to snuff.
I have had countless colds, coughs, sinus problems, ear aches, stomach ailments, skin rashes, and just in general feel like shit, the majority of the time.
Is something wrong? Are you stressed? Am I surrounding you with too many germ-filled humans, to the point where you just don't know where to start? Is there something I can do to help? Sleep more? Take my vitamins? Quit wearing flip-flops after the sun goes down?
If so, please let me know. You can contact me at the couch, or on the toilet, or anywhere there are Kleenex tissues present.
Hoping for a quick reply,
Love, Abigail
I don't know if you have realized this, but lately, you have really been slacking in the germ fighting department. You have always been so on top of things, and I respected you for that, even bragged about you, but the past few months, I have found that you just aren't up to snuff.
I have had countless colds, coughs, sinus problems, ear aches, stomach ailments, skin rashes, and just in general feel like shit, the majority of the time.
Is something wrong? Are you stressed? Am I surrounding you with too many germ-filled humans, to the point where you just don't know where to start? Is there something I can do to help? Sleep more? Take my vitamins? Quit wearing flip-flops after the sun goes down?
If so, please let me know. You can contact me at the couch, or on the toilet, or anywhere there are Kleenex tissues present.
Hoping for a quick reply,
Love, Abigail
Oct 22, 2008
My Day, in a Nut Shell. ( Look! I'm in a nut shell!)
1. Wake up to phone ringing. It is the boss, so I answer it. Hilarity does NOT ensue.
2. Decide to get up and make coffee, because I cannot fall back to sleep. Spill old slimy coffee grinds on arm and floor.
3. Watch Law & Order, hoping that it will motivate me to do something productive.
4. It doesn't. So I watch "Without a Trace."
5. Wonder when Smyrish is coming home, because I'm lonely.
6. Clean the bathroom. Wash the dishes. Attempt to move bed back to where it was before sexy time last night. Hurt my arm in the process and give up.
7. More coffee, and a couple cigarettes.
8. Check email. Nothing important. Find that nobody in cyber space loves me except Wench. :)
9. Find out that "Hairspray" is sold out. Purchase tickets to 54-40 instead.
10. Smyrish comes home, and I forget to tell him about 54-40.
11. He tells me that my car was towed this morning.
12. Temper tantrum begins to erupt.
13. We go to City Hall, and protest our tickets, and try to find out where my car is. They don't know.
14. We track down my car, and go back to City Hall.
15. Smyrish informs me that we had a Scrabble date tonight that I completely forgot about. I feel like an arse.
16. When we get home, we find a stray kitten. The neighbor and caretaker give us food and litter, so we can look after her. We all fall in love. She's fucking awesome, and I want to keep her.
17. Because of all the City Hall bullshit, I don't have time to make the lovely dinner I had planned to make, but I improvise, and we eat.
18. Off to fitness class! Thankfully, that went well, and it was a great time!
19. Somewhere in the hour I was at my class I forgot (again) about the Scrabble date, and that I was supposed to meet Wench to give her money back to her that she gave me, so I could purchase her a ticket to "Hairspray".
20. Again, hilarity does not ensue.
21. I get called in to work. The midnight staff is not going to show up. I agree to come in. Luckily, because of this, I do not have to work a 16 hour day tomorrow, as was previously scheduled. However, because I have to go to bed, I am for sure missing the Scrabble date. Bad Abigail!
22. I finally shower for the first time in 2 days, have half a glass of wine, and I wash the dishes again. I tell my sob story to the new kitty and Pocket Buddha.
23. I have a quick pity party, then get some sleep before work, and pray that tomorrow things will be better, and I won't have the memory of a goldfish.
2. Decide to get up and make coffee, because I cannot fall back to sleep. Spill old slimy coffee grinds on arm and floor.
3. Watch Law & Order, hoping that it will motivate me to do something productive.
4. It doesn't. So I watch "Without a Trace."
5. Wonder when Smyrish is coming home, because I'm lonely.
6. Clean the bathroom. Wash the dishes. Attempt to move bed back to where it was before sexy time last night. Hurt my arm in the process and give up.
7. More coffee, and a couple cigarettes.
8. Check email. Nothing important. Find that nobody in cyber space loves me except Wench. :)
9. Find out that "Hairspray" is sold out. Purchase tickets to 54-40 instead.
10. Smyrish comes home, and I forget to tell him about 54-40.
11. He tells me that my car was towed this morning.
12. Temper tantrum begins to erupt.
13. We go to City Hall, and protest our tickets, and try to find out where my car is. They don't know.
14. We track down my car, and go back to City Hall.
15. Smyrish informs me that we had a Scrabble date tonight that I completely forgot about. I feel like an arse.
16. When we get home, we find a stray kitten. The neighbor and caretaker give us food and litter, so we can look after her. We all fall in love. She's fucking awesome, and I want to keep her.
17. Because of all the City Hall bullshit, I don't have time to make the lovely dinner I had planned to make, but I improvise, and we eat.
18. Off to fitness class! Thankfully, that went well, and it was a great time!
19. Somewhere in the hour I was at my class I forgot (again) about the Scrabble date, and that I was supposed to meet Wench to give her money back to her that she gave me, so I could purchase her a ticket to "Hairspray".
20. Again, hilarity does not ensue.
21. I get called in to work. The midnight staff is not going to show up. I agree to come in. Luckily, because of this, I do not have to work a 16 hour day tomorrow, as was previously scheduled. However, because I have to go to bed, I am for sure missing the Scrabble date. Bad Abigail!
22. I finally shower for the first time in 2 days, have half a glass of wine, and I wash the dishes again. I tell my sob story to the new kitty and Pocket Buddha.
23. I have a quick pity party, then get some sleep before work, and pray that tomorrow things will be better, and I won't have the memory of a goldfish.
Oct 17, 2008
Fuckin' A, Boys. Good Video!
Now, why is it that Sam keeps looking younger, and I keep looking older?
Oct 16, 2008
This is What I Wake Up To
I am half-sleeping and contemplating staying there til I die. Smyrish comes in to the bedroom and flicks on the light.
Smyrish: Tom Petty told me to get rid of my computer and buy a guitar.
Abigail: Don't listen to Tom Petty. He's a fucking pot head.
Smyrish: I don't think I'll give up the computer, but I am going to buy a guitar. I am going to learn to play it by the time I'm 27.
Abigail: Why? So you can become a huge famous rockstar and die of a heroin overdose by the time you're 27?
Smyrish: How'd you know?
Abigail: 'Cause that was always my plan, but it didn't work out. Look at me now, 29, all alive and shit, and drug-free. That's me, always have big ideas, never follow through on anything.
Smyrish: That sucks. See ya later dear, love ya.
Note: Unlike me, Smyrish gets big ideas and follows through on them. About an hour later, he came home with a guitar. I totally thought he was joking, but I guess not. He really did listen to Tom Petty. Hopefully, before he dies of his drug overdose, he lists me as a beneficiary, so I can live out my dream of sitting on a beach drinking margueritas and diddling the young bartender/pool boy/masseuse, all the while not having to worry about money, because my rich rockstar husband left me his fortune.
Smyrish: Tom Petty told me to get rid of my computer and buy a guitar.
Abigail: Don't listen to Tom Petty. He's a fucking pot head.
Smyrish: I don't think I'll give up the computer, but I am going to buy a guitar. I am going to learn to play it by the time I'm 27.
Abigail: Why? So you can become a huge famous rockstar and die of a heroin overdose by the time you're 27?
Smyrish: How'd you know?
Abigail: 'Cause that was always my plan, but it didn't work out. Look at me now, 29, all alive and shit, and drug-free. That's me, always have big ideas, never follow through on anything.
Smyrish: That sucks. See ya later dear, love ya.
Note: Unlike me, Smyrish gets big ideas and follows through on them. About an hour later, he came home with a guitar. I totally thought he was joking, but I guess not. He really did listen to Tom Petty. Hopefully, before he dies of his drug overdose, he lists me as a beneficiary, so I can live out my dream of sitting on a beach drinking margueritas and diddling the young bartender/pool boy/masseuse, all the while not having to worry about money, because my rich rockstar husband left me his fortune.
Oct 2, 2008
First Class Fitness
As summer came to a close, I thought to myself, "Self, you are a fat pig, your self-esteem sucks bananas, and you need to do something just for you, that isn't at home and is far from the group home." I listened to myself, and brought out The City's guide to all things fun, and decided to pick out a couple classes I would take.
I do this every year, and never actually attend anything. Mostly due to my rotating work schedule, which never guarantees me the same day off each week. This year, I have been blessed with the ability to make my own schedule, so when I saw the "First Time Fitness" class listing, I decided that Wednesday nights were for me, and work could suck it.
I picked this class, because I have always been afraid to go and workout by myself. Gyms terrify me, because one, I never see any fat people in them, and two, I don't know how to use any of the equipment. This class, of 12 women, and one personal trainer, was made just for people like me. Each week, we get to try something new, learn how to use all the machines, drop-in at spin, belly-dance and aquacise, and in the end, hopefully each of us will find something we love, and can stick to, to get healthy.
Last night I had my second class. Before we could exercise, each of us had to tell the group our personal fitness goals. I didn't have any. I was supposed to write them down, and I couldn't think of anything except, " Lose weight" and "Get enough confidence to go there by myself this winter." Apparently, I wasn't the only one. Everyone in the class has the same weight and confidence issues that I have. All of us are stressed from working and taking care of people in our lives and never doing anything for ourselves. We're a big group of pleasers, who aren't exactly pleased with our lives. It made all of us feel better to get that out, and know that we weren't the only ones.
I'm really going to like this class, and I'm glad I found it. I need to be around some new people, and do something different all on my own, and if I can get in shape at the same time, that'll be awesome.
After starting this class, I'm really excited about the four Friday nights that are coming up, when Knuckle Toes and I are taking a Burlesque Workout class. By then I should be comfortable enough at the Fieldhouse, and it'll all just be for fun, and will keep me out of the bar for at least 4 weekends, which isn't a bad thing.
So ya, after all this time, I'm finally doing something for me and my health. And it sure feels good.
I do this every year, and never actually attend anything. Mostly due to my rotating work schedule, which never guarantees me the same day off each week. This year, I have been blessed with the ability to make my own schedule, so when I saw the "First Time Fitness" class listing, I decided that Wednesday nights were for me, and work could suck it.
I picked this class, because I have always been afraid to go and workout by myself. Gyms terrify me, because one, I never see any fat people in them, and two, I don't know how to use any of the equipment. This class, of 12 women, and one personal trainer, was made just for people like me. Each week, we get to try something new, learn how to use all the machines, drop-in at spin, belly-dance and aquacise, and in the end, hopefully each of us will find something we love, and can stick to, to get healthy.
Last night I had my second class. Before we could exercise, each of us had to tell the group our personal fitness goals. I didn't have any. I was supposed to write them down, and I couldn't think of anything except, " Lose weight" and "Get enough confidence to go there by myself this winter." Apparently, I wasn't the only one. Everyone in the class has the same weight and confidence issues that I have. All of us are stressed from working and taking care of people in our lives and never doing anything for ourselves. We're a big group of pleasers, who aren't exactly pleased with our lives. It made all of us feel better to get that out, and know that we weren't the only ones.
I'm really going to like this class, and I'm glad I found it. I need to be around some new people, and do something different all on my own, and if I can get in shape at the same time, that'll be awesome.
After starting this class, I'm really excited about the four Friday nights that are coming up, when Knuckle Toes and I are taking a Burlesque Workout class. By then I should be comfortable enough at the Fieldhouse, and it'll all just be for fun, and will keep me out of the bar for at least 4 weekends, which isn't a bad thing.
So ya, after all this time, I'm finally doing something for me and my health. And it sure feels good.
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