Feb 6, 2013

And That's That About That, I Guess.

There it is. Guess it's somewhat official, being there on that requisition form. No more wondering, now we know. Infertility it is. The previous pregnancies were "flukes", and "it's probably best they didn't make it".

Just to be sure, starting Friday my husband and I get to start weeks upon weeks of tests. Well, mostly I do, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy he had to go through some of this with me too. Genetic testing, a ridiculous amount of blood work to check for a ridiculous amount of things and then some lucky person gets to inspect my uterus and Fallopian tubes to end the party.

After all that, there is a 50% chance that we will know what is wrong. If we don't figure out if there is a cause, then there is a 40% chance that I will ever carry a baby to term. If they do figure out what's wrong, most likely it isn't going to be anything that they can fix. If I happen to ever get pregnant again, they will watch me very closely, and possibly give me progesterone as a precautionary measure, and baby aspirin if they find out I have a clotting disorder, but that's about it. If I continue to miscarry early and repeatedly like I am now, they said they would support me getting my lady bits removed, or my husband getting a vasectomy so we wouldn't have to go through it anymore. They agreed that my mental health was more important than anything, which I was thankful for. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

So basically, as it stands right now, we have a 50/50 chance of ever having kids, and 6 weeks from now, that number will either be the same, or it will go down to a 40% chance. It won't ever go up. Considering I just turned 34, I'm almost done trying. I know that it's very normal now to do it, but I have no interest in being in my 40's and just starting to  have babies.

I'm not sure how to end this, so, that's that, I guess. Here we go.


Devan McGuinness said...

Sending you love! I have struggled with many losses in the past and have been on this infertility journey for 13 months. I hope that you beat you 'odds' and find the family you so want. xo

Asha Khaladkar said...

Shit. Hugs to you.

Robin said...

Just wanted to say hello. Saw your comments on Schmutzie's blog post about non-parents and followed you over here. You and I could've switched places about five years ago (though I'm older than you by about 9 years). I'm a crafty girl (who would be happy to feature you on my blog if I were still keeping up with the damn thing) who had fertility issues and struggled with depression too. I know there's little I can say that makes this feel any better but I did want to let you know there are others out there who get it. I'm wishing you all the best. Say hello sometime!
PS- Love your blog name/alter ego!

phann son said...

Oh my god Anna, you have me ballingmy eyes out here, that is so beautiful. There truly isn't enough of those memories. You must feel and know that he is looking in on you and smiling with pride! Big hugs to you my friend, thinking of you <3