Feb 23, 2011

Conflicted Feelings

In two short months, we will be heading east again, to make our way back to Saskatchewan for most of the summer. Even though we still have two more months here, I am already getting sad about leaving, and want us to figure out our plans for when we come back. Because we are coming back.

Our original plans, although not set in stone in any way, included a lot more travelling around than we have been doing. Our original plan did not include Vancouver Island at all, because of the cost of the ferry with our truck and trailer. Our original plan had us down in the States by now, somewhere. But, plans change, and the universe throws us for loops, and all things happen for a reason. We didn't know it at the time, but we were supposed to end up here.

We arrived here with nowhere to go. No campgrounds would even let us park in them, because our rig was so old. We were stuck, and fearing having to live in a Walmart parking lot, or having to head back to the mainland as an epic fail. After a couple days of stress, we found Malahat, thanks to that weird girl in the Walmart parking lot. We have met interesting and wonderful people, and we are starting to make friends. The dogs have a whole pack that they play with every single day. We do day trips around the area, and have even more planned. If we stayed here, we would have something to do, at any given time. I'm even starting to get used to the rain...it is so much better than 40 below zero.

I have to laugh at myself. The girl who wanted nothing but to get off the farm her whole life, is dreading having to go back to the city for a couple months...even a city the size of Regina. I like this quiet, rural way of life we have here. I like the fact that I don't spend any money on cigarettes or alcohol, and that all my interactions are sober and meaningful and not hazy at all. I'm afraid that when I go back, I will go back to my old ways, because for the first time in over 10 years, I feel healthy. And then I feel bad, because I don't want anyone back home to think that I blame them for anything, or think less of them, or however all this may sound.  I needed to get away, and I needed to make some changes in myself, and I did. I just couldn't do it at home. I needed to get out of the rut I put myself in.

Although I have mixed feelings about heading back to Saskatchewan, I am excited to see certain people, and you all know who you are. I'm predicting many good visits and laughs and camping trips, and I have made Mother Nature promise that the weather will be beautiful the whole time we are home.

See you in May.


Schmutzie said...

I know some of how you feel being that I had to walk away from most of my life for reasons that were entirely my own. Just think of your time back here as a vacation from your new life elsewhere.

Why do you have to come back?

PS. I have mail you want. Email me your address again please!

dk said...

the earth is your home, go where you like and never feel badly about changing things up. we will always love you sober, hazy or otherwise.

But I would appreciate it if you would use your goddess-like powers and send the warm weather sooner.