Nov 11, 2006

Solitude, on a Saturday Afternoon

I don't have to work today. I am not hungover. The sun is shining. Sounds like as good a day as any to get out and do something productive, or fun even. So, why do I just want to stay here in my bedroom all day, in my mis-matched pajama-type outfit, and stare blankly out the window?

Because I'm exhausted, that's why. Too much work, too much wine, too much song, not enough sleep, the past couple of weeks. These activities, are killing me. I'm burning out. Thus, I will spend today doing nothing*,socializing with no one, (until later this evening of course, shit, it is Saturday). I will regret this 'doing nothing' later in the day though, when I realize that I have neglected to do mundane chores and errands that should have been taken care of, as this truly is the only day I have to do them. That's just the way I am.

The truth is though, there are more days to do the mundane chores, and as far as I'm concerned, at the moment, they should just wait until Spring. Even though Winter hasn't even hit us full force yet, my annual "Blah's" started to creep up on me a couple weeks ago, and with such a hectic work and social schedule, I've been having a hard time fighting them off. So maybe, just maybe, a Saturday afternoon spent cooped up in my room is what I need to re-energize. It's a step anyways.

I've started back on my St. John's Wort, and have been trying desperatly to remember to take my vitamins every morning. I keep reminding myself that I truly am happier right now than I have been in fucking ages, and most of these blah's are caused by lack of sunlight, and the need to wear bulky clothes and scrape ice from my windshield every morning. Small annoyances, that become larger throughout a busy, stressful day. Tiny nuisances that can easily set me on a path of negative thinking.

I am finding that this year, so far anyways, really is different. Yep, I feel like crawling into bed and never getting out. Sure, I want to throw the phone and/or alarm clock through the wall occasionally. Uh huh, I can't stop chewing my nails or pulling out my eyebrows. As per usual, I'm feeling uber-sensitive and insecure about everything under the sun, and think that it might be better if I just went away until these feelings passed. But the depressing, 'poor, poor pitiful me' feelings are not as strong as they once were. I'm guessing it's because the good is starting to out-weigh the bad, and I have come to understand, and even appreciate, some of 'the bad', for what it is, and how it shapes me and those around me. And I am even starting to appreciate all of 'the good', instead of poo-poohing it, and thinking that 'it's just going to go away anyways', so I shouldn't pay it much attention. I'm enjoying it. It's nice to be happy. And I deserve it.

On that positive note, I'm going to stop here,(who knows, the positive attitude could change in a second) and go and enjoy the rest of my do-nothing day, with a cigarette in the sun, some nacho's and maybe even a short nap.In that order.


* doing nothing: includes laundry, washing dishes, driving people places, playing with the cats, having a quick game of poker, having an itchy, but somehow relaxing, bath and watching Season 2 of Dawson's Creek** on DVD.

** Judge me if you like, but I find that at times, watching cheesy DVD's from the library, in this case,Dawson's Creek, is a nice distraction from real life. This week, the problems of the kids of Capeside, have been a nice distraction from my own.

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