Jun 14, 2008

Crazy Bitch

I have mental problems. This is a self-diagnosis, mind you, but I believe it to be true.

I don't know what's up with me lately. Nothing seems to make me uber-happy or excited, and when I am feeling "up", I am constantly wondering when I'm going to start feeling down. I am ruining genuine, happy and scrappy moments, because of this gigantic raincloud over my head.

Maybe it's the rainy weather, or maybe it's the fact that I haven't been spending loads of time drinking beer in the sunshine like I did previous years, but I just don't have that summer joy running through my veins, as I usually do this time of year.

I spend all my time at home, or at work. I have acquired an incredibly dull morning routine at home, and actually pray that I will get called in to work most mornings, just for something different.

I normally enjoy being alone, to a certain extent. I think the current problem is though, that I've run out of things to do to fill my time. Everybody else works during the day, so they're busy. I have had limited computer access, it's too rainy to go for walks, and I've run out of ideas and motivation when it comes to cleaning, decorating and organizing the apartment. In the end, I wake up, make coffee, watch "What Not to Wear", followed by "Law & Order", eat lunch, wash dishes, have a cry, and play with the bunny as much as possible before he gets sent away. Sometimes, I shower, but only on those special days. Usually those are the days when the phone rings, and it is actually for me. I live the rock and roll lifestyle, yes I do.

I feel "out of the loop", lonely and bored the majority of the time, and don't even really care to do much about it. Sure, I could leave the house, and search out some familiar faces, but it's raining, and I'm broke, and the last few times I have ventured out, it's been the same ol' gossip and conversations, and I just end up getting tanked and saying something rude, just to change the subject. Which in turn makes me feel foolish, and I decide that maybe I shouldn't be out in public anyways. The shitty thing is though, that no money + no pub = no friends. And that's sad on a couple different levels.

Listen to me whine. Sheesh. Slap me if you feel like it, I won't blame you.

Things aren't really that bad. They sure as hell have been worse. And I'm not alone, I have the best boyfriend this girl could ever ask for, who is actually putting up with this mood, and doing his best to make it all okay.

It's just a funk, I hope. I'm sure once the sun comes back, and the annual camping trip draws near, and I get to keep some of my hard-earned money for once, things will start looking up, and I'll start cheering up.

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