Sep 27, 2011

I Hate Celebrities and Getting My Period

It's weird, how my whole life I was so against the thought of having children. I was 110% sure that they would just cramp my style, and hold me back from doing all the fun things that I wanted to do in life.  Plus, they cost a lot of money, and they're whiny, and a very good friend of mine once pointed out that all children smell like rotten pineapple. ( or was it that pineapple smells like dirty little kids? I can't remember?) However, that is true that they would have cramped my style. Had I had a child earlier in life, I would have missed out on so much. I never would have gotten any travelling done. You can't just hop a train or a plane or a bus and head out of town, or the country, with 24 hours notice if you're a mommy. I wouldn't have all those years of hard-partying under my belt, which I don't regret at all because, DAMN, those were good times. (Those of you who were there for those 10 years can second that motion.) Most importantly, that child would have a daddy that isn't Smyrish, and that just wouldn't be any good at all. Which is maybe why I never really wanted kids. I just hadn't found the right baby daddy yet.

If you asked me ten years ago if I ever worried about possibly not ever being able to carry a child to term, I would have said "Who the fuck cares, I don't want 'em anyways", and had a shot of whatever you were buying.

Now, it's all I can freaking think about. Babies, babies, babies.  I still groan and roll my eyes and whisper "ah fuck" under my breath when I get my period every month, but for different reasons than before.  I try to ignore Facebook statuses by women who complain about their pregnancies, especially the young women who I honestly don't think are old enough to be even having babies, because I feel like slapping them all.  I try my best to avoid my much-loved tabloid magazines and websites, because they are full to the tits with articles about how Kelly Preston/Gwen Stefani/Jane Seymour/Mariah Carey, etc. all had babies at the ripe old age of 65 without any medical interventions whatsoever, and how Beyonce just can't believe what a gift growing a human inside of you is. ( BTW, Did you know that she is THE FIRST woman to ever feel this way? Go Beyonce, you frickin' a-hole!)

The fact is, in biological terms, I am getting old. I know that thirty two isn't old at all in this day and age.  Biology doesn't quite agree though, nature would have preferred that a man conked me on the head en route back to my cave and knocked me up at the ripe old age of sixteen. It's just the way it is. I quit smoking almost a year ago. I quit drinking like it was going out of style even before that. I exercise, and take my vitamins, and folic acid, and all that shit, but it just doesn't matter. It's either gonna happen, or it ain't, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, because I am not a celebrity with a super uterus and eleventy billion dollars. Nature, you are a real bitch sometimes, but I love you anyways.

I try not to stress too much about it, but it's just frustrating, ya know?

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