Hangover Days

It's a Bit Early, but I was Just Thinking of You...

I will never forget the day Kurt Cobain died.

I was walking out of the house, to see what my dad was doing in the yard. It must have been really warm, I was only wearing grubby jeans and my Jesus and Mary Chain t-shirt. I do remember the sun shining, and the snow was almost gone. I couldn't see dad, but CBC radio was blaring from the radio in the garage, so he had to be within ear shot.

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" started to play, and I heard the DJ say, "Stay tuned to CBC news on the hour for more information on Kurt Cobain's tragic death".

A few seconds later, the on-the-hour CBC "beep, beeeeep, BEEEEEP" came, and I don't remember much after that, other than standing in the middle of the garage, dumbfounded, trying not to drop to my knees.

I cried a lot the next couple days, alone in my room. I still cry at times, when I think of how sad I was at that time, and how music made me feel like I wasn't alone.

A couple years later, I watched my brother become a fan of Nirvana, and I watched him feel the way I had felt. People worried about the sad Kurt Cobain posters on his bedroom wall, and worried that he was just as sad. I'm sure he was.

One night, as my parents were busy worrying about him, and the cops were worrying about his Nirvana posters, I locked my bedroom door, and pretended that nothing was going on. I smoked a few cigarettes, had a hoot, and cranked up some John Lennon on my stereo.

I was hoping to send a subtle message. I don't think it got through.

But music saved him too.

Our artists suffer, so we don't have to.

Happy Birthday Smyrish!

Today is gonna be a crazy busy day. I have to finish my spring cleaning and I have a meeting with my boss, which I am expecting to be less than joyous. But, today is also the Hawksley Workman concert, and Smyrishs' birthday extravaganza, and those are good fun things. I am not going to have time to do any shopping though, so instead of a present, Smyrish gets a list of all, well some, of the things I love about him. Sure, it's cheap, but what can I say, it's not his real birthday yet, so he'll just have to wait. ;)

1. His big smile. You should see his eyes light up when that big grin covers his face.

2. The way he can fall asleep, anywhere, anytime. Sure, I tease him, but really, I think it's pretty cute.
3. His ability to be spontaneous and up for anything astounds me and excites me. I'll never forget our spontaneous road trip to Toon Town in the middle of the night last summer.

4. Even when he hasn't brushed his teeth, I want to kiss his soft, sweet lips.

5. He reminds me to not stress out over the small stuff, and to only worry about the big things in life.

6. Even though he is younger than me, he never makes me feel old.

7. He is goofy and hyper in a way that I will never be, but I love how his energy rubs off on me, and those around him.

8. I don't care what he says, he has the sweetest ass in town.

9. Our relationship is so far from dramatic, it took me awhile to get used to it. Now, I love the calm and the comfort we have.

10. I tell him to stop it, and leave me alone, but it's pretty funny when he tries to put his fingers up my nose.

11. Whenever I am feeling gross and ugly, he tells me he thinks I am beautiful. And I know he means it.

12. When he snuggles up to me on the couch, he reminds me of a kitten.

13. Watching him with children and babies gets my ovaries roaring.

14. He wants to experience as much as possible in life, and I see many adventures in our future. I can't see us ever being bored.

15. He is comfortable talking to everyone. The crazy people downtown, my family and people he has just met.

16. I love that he writes me little notes that say "I think you're super!", and adds to my "to-do" lists when he sees them with things like "Spank Smyrish's sweet ass".

17. A friend of mine once told me that when I found someone with a VW van that liked to camp and go on Sunday drives in the country, I'd have met my match. Creepy, how when I wasn't even looking, he showed up.

18. Doing nice things like bringing me and Knuckle Toes food when we're stuck in our festival booth, and offering to help around the house or pick up my mom, comes completely natural to him. You don't see that as often as you should, these days, people you know you can count on, no matter what, and expect nothing in return.

19. Sometimes, I just want to crawl into that big brain of his, and find out where all his crazy and wonderful ideas come from.

20. When he is around, I know that I am safe, and everything will be okay.

21. He gives great back rubs, and always helps me put lotion on my back when I am itchy.

22. He is open-minded and accepts people for they are. And he accepts me for who I am, even when I am moody, stressed out and acting like I'm from CrazyTown. He acknowledges the fact that I can be a real weirdo, but puts up with me anyways. I know I can just be me when I'm with him, and I never have to put on an act to make him happy.

23. He loves my friends, and my friends love him, we get along with each other's relatives and we're all just one big happy family.

24. He has the cutest bed head I've ever seen. The site of a cowlick has never made me so happy inside.

25. I don't know if he knows it, but he makes me want to be a better person, for myself, and for the good of the earth.

26. He is one of a kind, and I'm lucky he's mine.

That was way too easy. I could have gone on forever I think. But maybe I'll save the rest for next year.

Happy birthday, Smyrish. I hope your birthday party kicks royal ass, and I'll see you after I'm finished ogling Hawksley.

5 on the 25

I forgot to publish. :)

1. I am sorry if I got you in trouble, sometimes, the lines of communication are just fucked up.

2. I am crossing my fingers, and am going to do my best to keep that dark cloud that's comin' from raining on our parade.

3. I wish I would have kept in touch over the years. It's my fault we are no longer friends, and I'm sorry for that.

4. You are a pretty lucky guy, to have such a cool mom.

5. Next time, let us both keep our big mouths shut!

This Springy Thingy

With this fresh layer of snow from last night, and the grey skies, it sure doesn't feel like Spring today, but officially, it is. And thank Jeebus for that. Winter was just one big pain in the butt.

Spring is my favorite of all the seasons. Socks and coats are no longer necessary, there are puddles to jump in and around, and everyone's mood and attitude changes from icky and negative to springy and positive.

Spring brings the promise of change and BBQ's and impromptu Frisbee games and pints in the sunshine, walks in the park and camping and suntans and beach days, pretty skirts and tank tops and boys playing football around the skateboarders in the street.

Life is good in the Spring.

The "I Fucking Love Books" Meme

Saviabella has requested that I participate in this meme. How could I say no to anything literary?

1) What book are you reading right now?

Never, in all my life, have I only read one book at a time. In my purse, I have Tuesday's With Morrie, in my car I have By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept, my bathroom is storing Love, In The Time of Cholera and RMR, the Book, by Rick Mercer, my living room is waiting for me to finally finish Boogaloo on Second Avenue, which I started last summer, and my night table is housing Gonzo, They Shoot Horses, Don't They?, Eleanor Rigby, The Lizard Cage and Politically Correct Bedtime Stories, which I really should return to Knuckle Toes one day. The stacks of books on my entertainment centre and make-shift book shelf that I haven't had time to start yet is insane. I buy, buy, buy more than I have time to read. Eventually, I always make the time.

2) What was the last book you read on a plane?

I haven't been on a plane since 2003. I have no idea what I was reading back then. But, the last book I read on a train was Islands In the Stream by Ernest Hemingway. How I remember that, I'll never know.

3) What was the last book you read on a roadtrip?

When Smyrish and I went to Toon Town a couple weeks ago, I took along Tuesday's With Morrie. I also read the entire Travelodge handbook that was in the hotel room, just to learn everything Travelodge. I am positive all my Travelodge knowledge will be a hit at parties.

4) What is the most unusual place you found yourself reading?

Unusual? Like in a tree, or while driving, or walking laps at the Fieldhouse or around the lake, or floating on an air mattress, or while sitting on a swing in the playground at night? If those are unusual, then that's where.

5) What books would you take to keep you occupied on a two week vacation to the beach?

I guess I would take a couple of the many books I haven't read yet. See question #1.

6) Other bloggers I'd like some book recommendations from:

All of them. Preferrably the ones that live nearby. I always like to know what people are reading, so I might have the opportunity to borrow.

Fidelity

I'm Not Ready.

So, last night, I am sitting on the couch, with my feet in my foot spa, drinking a cup of tea, and the phone rings. I look at the call display, and see that is my aunt from Small Town. I stared at the phone, wondering if I should even bother answering. I was having a good day, and I figured a long distance call from someone who has never called me before, would never be a good thing. I mustered my courage, and answered anyways.

"Hello?"

"Abigail, it's Auntie. Now, I have some news, and it's not good news, but it's not that bad either. It just sucks. Please don't get upset, I already scared your uncle when I called him."

"Um, okay, what's up?"

"Your mom is in the hospital. She had a fall, and broke her right wrist, and had a reaction to the pain meds they gave her, and she needs to come to The City for surgery."

She continued to tell me the rest of the story, what had to be done, who I had to call, and what I had to do and expect. We chatted for awhile, then I hung up the phone and called the brothers to let them know what happened.

Now, my first instinct was to drive home. But, I stopped myself. I knew I could help by picking her up when she needed me to, and looking after her once she was here, and if she needs me, I can go and stay with her in Small Town for awhile until her arm is better.

As I was sorting out this mess in my head, I thought of a passage from an Erma Bombeck book I stole from my mom's book shelf about ten years ago. (Sorry, mom.) She is contemplating the transition of power between mother and daughter, and why and when she became the mother, and her mother became the child. She needs to take care of her mother, but they both rebel against it. She still wants to be a kid, and her mother is not ready to step down yet.

I remember the first time I witnessed this between my mom and her mother. We had to stop at Nana's house, on the way home, and mom sent me inside. When I got in the house, Nana looked stoned, and was smiling and laughing as she told me she had been throwing up all afternoon. She said she was fine, and didn't need anything and rushed me out the door. I ran to the car.

"Mom, there's something wrong with Nan. She's actin' funny." I will never forget the look of fear on my mom's face, or how calm and cool she was while dealing with the situation.

My own transition has been slowly evolving since my dad died. The very first time I ever felt like an adult, was the day we went to the funeral home, and planned the funeral. I got to have a say in the arrangements, what urn we would buy, etc. Mom asked me my opinion on things, and let me take hold of the reigns a bit, even though I wasn't really sure that I wanted to, deep down.

The transition started to speed up this past summer, when my mom found out she had Bueger's Disease. I never really worried about her before this. Even after my dad died, I knew that my mom was strong, and could look after herself, and although I wasn't as close as I wanted to be to her, she had a great support system of friends and family in Small Town, if she needed anything. Then, all of a sudden, I was taking her to appointment after appointment. It was me that was sitting in the hospital, annoying doctor's and nurses, waiting for results and tests and worrying about my mother, just as she had done when I was in the hospital. I started wishing that I could just be a kid again, and mom could just go back to being strong and healthy and looking after me. I realized, that if something bad ever happened, I would be put in her place, take on that position of power. It would be me that would look after her, or the boys, and all the other things in between. I was a bit angry with the world, and wanted my mom to stop aging, because she was just dragging me along with her, and I wasn't ready to grow up and worry about these things.

The truth is, I can handle anything that's thrown at me. I get that from my mom. I am strong and independent, just like she is, and a broken arm, isn't the end of the world, it just sucks. But today, I am feeling old, and just wish that we could go back twenty-five years, when our roles were more clear, and mom was the one who had to take care of my scrapes and bruises and wipe away my tears, and I could just go through life knowing that no matter what, I was being taken care of, by the strongest woman in the world.

Abigail's Archives Meme

The bloggiest of all bloggers, my pal Schmutzie, tagged thee in a meme. I was happy to be tagged, as I only have sad, pitiful things to write about today, and it is too darn nice outside to be depressing. Plus, doing this meme gave me a chance to go through my archives a bit, and find some happy posts that made me feel so much better.

The meme's rules:
1. Go through your archives and link to five of your favourite posts that you have written.
· Link one must be a post about family.
· Link two must be a post about friends.
· Link three must be a post about yourself.
· Link four must be a post about something you love.
· Link five can be a post about anything you choose.

2. Tag five other people to do this meme. Two of them must be people you already know so that you can get to know each other better.


Family: A Tribute to Big Bad Bob
Friends: Family Values
Myself: The Hot List, Continued.
Something I love: Camping Trip 2005
Wild card: The Recent Adventures of Abigail, Part One

I tag thee, and do what you want with it:

Wench

Madame Diva

Jonesalicious

Eat, Bitch and Whine

Miss Nicola

Happy Times

First BBQ of the year, March 9th

Now I know that it's March, and Mother Nature still has time to throw a few more weeks of blowing snow and unbearably cold temperatures at us, but the weather this week is just lovely. Last night, we had an impromptu BBQ and today, Smyrish and I got out for a nice walk at the park on his lunch break. I am happy and scrappy and feel motivated to get healthy. I love Spring!

Happy Birthday Cookster!

Diet Update

Other than my trip out of town last week, when I had some fish and chips and shared a pitcher of beer with Smyrish, (after swimming all day, I might add!) I have been sticking to my doctor ordered diet. It has been quite easy, and I have actually figured out what foods make me feel yucky in the tummy, (pasta, bread and ice cream, potatoes, draft beer) which ones make me itch, ( processed sandwich meats, and fake, but yummy cheese) and which foods make me feel heavenly,(veggies, rice, steak, eggs and fish) by process of elimination. I lost about 8 pounds, fast. Then it all stopped.

To me, losing 8 pounds, is nothing. It doesn't show, and if the scale didn't tell me that I lost weight, I'd never know. I figure I'll have to lose at least another 10 pounds, before there is any visual difference in my body. Sticking to the diet will help, but I've got to find a way to get more exercise in.

I swim, and I swim hard, 2 to 4 times a week with work. First of all, because I like to, second of all, because I want to be a good role model for the residents, and thirdly, I love the fact that I'm getting paid to do something I want and need to do. But it just isn't doing enough for me. I am terrified of going to a gym, because I don't know how to work any of the machines, and I never see any fat people there, and even if I wasn't, it's so hard to get motivated to find the time, with my wacky shift work schedule. I looked into taking a spin class, or belly-dancing or something, but with my rotating schedule, financially, it won't work. I can't justify paying money for a class I will only be able to attend every other week, if that.

I want it to be spring. I want to go for daily walks around the lake, I want to be able to ride my bike, instead of drive. But, Mother Nature says I can't have what I want, for another month or so.

Anyone have any exercise tips or ideas for things I can be doing, while I wait?

Etsy's Buggin' Me Today

I have been doing a ton of sewing, and sorting through my festival wares lately, and I thought it was time to add a few more items to my Etsy shop. Unfortunately, Etsy is being silly today, and it keeps freezing up before I can click "Finish". The following will hopefully get listed for sale today, and there are about 5 more bags that are almost done, and just need some finishing touches, before I get my model over here for photos. I also have some items for sale for the month of March, go on, check 'em out!

Little Holiday

I love hotels. I wish that I could just live in a hotel. I love the fact that someone else has to clean up after me, I love the clean towels, I love the beds and especially the pillows, and I dream of having such comfort at home in my own bed. I love the almost-always-ugly-and-eye-gouging carpet in the hallways and the fact that I never know what channel is what on the TV, and how it feels like a little adventure sitting down in front of the tube figuring out which station has CSI on it. I especially love hotels with swimming pools.

But, I guess what I love most about staying in a hotel, is that I am invisible. I can just wander about, checking out each floor, reading in the corner, or sitting outside people watching, and nobody cares. It's the ultimate in relaxation for me. No ringing phones, no commitments, no small talk, unless I decide to chit chat with other readers and smokers who are also hiding from the world inside the hotel.

Because of this, I also get a chance to think, really think, and in all that quiet time, alone with myself, I come up with solutions, and ideas, and I always feel so much more creative. The urge to write is fierce, and day-dreaming can be an all day affair. There isn't anything else to do.

So thanks, Smyrish, for taking me away for a couple days. It was exactly what I needed, and I feel so much better because of it.