Best Halloween Ever.

The celebration of Halloween is a little bit different for those who live out in the country. For me, it was anyways. It was rare that other kids came by to trick-or-treat. You had to drive to the 'neighbors', if you wanted candy from them. I'm guessing it was a big headache for the parents who had to dress their kids up, argue about whether or not they were going to put their snowsuit on over their costume, and then drive into town on the crappy gravel roads, in crappy weather, and wait for the children to run from house to house, begging for candy, before making the big trek back to the farm.

My mom was a trooper. Every year, she got us all dressed up, somehow came out on top in the "put your snowsuit on, it's twenty below!" argument, took some pictures, loaded us in the car, drove into town, and let us wander about begging.

It always snowed on Halloween. It snowed BIG. Not like nowadays, when we get a little skiff, and the temperature drops. I have many memories of trudging through snow up to my knees, (and one year, up to my waist, in my pioneer girl dress, when we went trick-or-treating out at the lake), in my costume, just to get to the door to sing a stupid song. For a kid who didn't even like candy, I put myself through a lot on this holiday.

I was thinking about this the other day, while decorating the house for the party, and my ol' memory bank reminded me of a Halloween Night, long ago.

I must have been in about grade three. Or maybe grade four or five. I don't even remember Film Star in this memory, so he must have just been a baby. I think that my dad was away working, as he was a good chunk of the time throughout my childhood. It was just mom and the kids. We came home from school, pumped to go out trick-or-treating, and excitedly telling mom about our day.

The weather was bad that night. Bad. Storming. There might have been something else going on too, that my young self wasn't aware of, or my adult self doesn't remember.

Mom had to break the news to us, that she couldn't take us to town to trick-or-treat. I was upset. What would I tell the kids at school the next day? That I just stayed home, while they went out and had fun and got candy?

Mom didn't want us to miss out. Mom didn't want us to have a boring, grumpy night at home. So, she made it fun.

I remember that I wanted to dress up as a punk rocker. GQ wanted to dress up too. All of a sudden, Mom's off-limits make-up bag was out. We gathered in the bathroom, and mom helped us put on our make-up. I got to wear green eye-shadow, and red lipstick. Mom helped give me the highest, punkiest hair in the world. We scoured the house for cool rock star clothes (thankfully, we had one heck of a Mr. Dress-Up-esque tickle-trunk!). I looked so cool. I loved it.

We spent the evening listening to music on the record player, making Halloween crafts, and eating popcorn and candy. Mom lined us up in the kitchen, and took pictures, like she did every year. We laughed, a lot. We accepted the fact that we had to stay home, and we just had fun together, doing what we could.

The next day at school, one of my most annoying classmates, grilled me about how much candy I had gotten, and bragged about how many bags of candy he had filled up. I told him I didn't go trick-or-treating. He teased me, and attempted to get everyone else to tease me too.

One of the other farm kids said that they didn't get to go out either. And then another farm kid piped in. And then another. We all compared stories, and bragged to the town kids about how much fun we had at home with our moms and dads, and how we got to eat as much candy as we wanted, and we didn't have to wear a snowsuit over our costumes, because we were inside all night. It was at that moment, that I realized how lucky I was.

So thanks Mom, for that night. And for all the other Halloween nights, of driving into town in heinous weather, and standing in the cold, just so I could collect enough candy to sell to the brothers. It was always much appreciated.

Halloween

So, it's Halloween. With Halloween being in the middle of the week, I don't know if anything is going on in this town, but I am determined to get dressed up as something or other, and go out tonight, because it's my night off.

We had a nice party here at the House of Pain on Saturday, a sort of "Halloween Birthday Bash", due to it being the Saturday before Halloween, and three friends having their birthdays land on or around Saturday. It was a good party, but I feel that I didn't dance as much as I should have, so I want to dance tonight. I better call The Pub, and see if they are doing the dance party they did last year.

Of course though, I have no idea what to dress up as, so if it's warm, the trashy Courtney Love costume from the Dead Celebrity Party will have to come out for one more round. I love Halloween, and I love dressing up, but I'm really bad at thinking of, and putting together costumes. The last few years, I have dressed up as "Whatever-I-Found-In-My-Closet", named it something, and hit the town. Thankfully, I have a very eclectic closet.

My whole life, I have been jealous of those who create these amazing costumes. You know the people, the ones who dress up as tables, or toilets, or paintings. The ones who not only dress up as a superhero or a cartoon character, they become it. They put so much time and effort and money into one night of fun, and I wish I had the time, effort, money and creativity to do the same. It basically just comes back to my laziness. I'm the girl with the weird clothes, who admires the folks in the cool costumes. I'm okay with that, I think.

Happy Halloween!

Pretty Please?

So, I'm having my morning coffee, watching Law and Order and perusing blogs as I do every morning, and I realize that I didn't have much to read today.

Since I have nothing much to say today (I'm saving the good stuff for November's NaBloPoMo!), I just wanted to tell Pocket Buddha, Typical Quirk, Smyrish, Youngblood, and That Girl to update already! I love reading you, and I know you have something to say, so come on now, give me some sugar!

Also, the lovely Dawn seems to be missing! Has anybody seen her?????

Anyways, I better get back to cleaning my pig sty of a bedroom, and head to work.

Happy Monday, one and all.

Snow Pool

I think I won the "Snow Pool", but I'm not sure. It did snow last night, and there was still snow on the roof of the garage this morning. Does that count as a "skiff" of snow, or the first big dump?

I hope I won. I could use the ten or so dollars. Plus, this win, coupled with the week at the gym I won last week, makes me think that everything just may be coming up Abigail!

Five on the Two Five

1. I wish we weren't fighting the last time I saw you, but I know it was just because we were two Aquarius', needing our space.

2. For years, I was jealous of you. The way you looked, the way others looked at you. I'm not jealous anymore, because I'm okay with me, and you were the one who helped me feel this okay.

3. Sometimes I forget that you have been going through some really tough times, because everytime I see you, you are still joking and smiling.

4. I know I never said it, but I really am proud of you for taking such a big risk, and showing us that you're tougher than we thought.

5. That smile and giggle of yours, sure can get my biological clock ticking.

Burned the Fuck Out.

I really, really need a break from the group home. I realized this tonight, when I couldn't bring myself to even give a little bit of a shit when the residents were upset about valid things that would make anybody upset, and the thought of going in again tomorrow, made me want to weep all over the place.

I have been working at the same place, off and on, for eight years. Eight freaking YEARS. Most of the people in my life as of now, who I consider my closest confidants, I have know for less than five. I have only had one relationship in the past 10 years that lasted more than one. Which makes that a long fucking time in the world of Abigail.

I burn out like this at least once a year, and it is usually in the Fall or the Spring. Over the years, I have learned how not to let it affect my personal life in any way, and I leave my work at work. When my shift is over, I hop in the car, light a cigarette, and crank up some sort of angsty music that will help me clear my head before I return home. I walk in the door, pour myself a glass of something alcoholic, and retreat to my bedroom. When I am not burned out, that's all I need. Today, that didn't work. Maybe because the gas gauge was beeping at me to fill it, and I knew I couldn't, because for some reason I didn't get paid today, which is payday. Or maybe because, I know I need a holiday, but until I can be sure that the group home will be fine without me, I can't bring myself to take the time off.

About a week ago, while I was talking to my boss, she brought up the fact that I have never taken a holiday. I reminded her, that I take off at least once a year to somewhere for a couple weeks. She reminded me, that those 'holidays' don't count as holidays, because all I did was cover my shifts, and I never used my holiday pay. Apparently, I have a shitload of money accrued, and I have about 4-5 weeks I can use up.

The thing is, and I didn't want to tell her, is that I know that. I have been waiting for something big to happen, something that I want to save for, and take off to, and maybe never come back if it works out. I want to save that money, and those days, for something real special. I want to book my holidays, take my money, and then call and give them two weeks notice, while I'm gallivanting around Paris, or Peru or Mexico or Thailand.

However, the more overtime I work, the more autism I deal with, the more responsibility that is laid upon me....well, I have to wonder if using up a few of those days wouldn't be such a bad idea. I have nowhere to go right now, but maybe even a few days at home, catching up on day to day things might not be that bad. Hell, I could drink coffee all day, and read a book. I could finish my contract sewing. I could finally return all the phone calls and emails I've missed over the past few months. Maybe I could figure out another way to make money, that didn't deal with the handicapped...not that I have the skills to do anything other than this.

Don't get me wrong. I love my job. If I didn't, I wouldn't have stuck around this long. But I'm starting to think, that maybe I am just not the right person for this job anymore. Or maybe, I just need a break. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Eek!

Well, I did it. I caved. I signed up for NaBloPoMo.

Now, we will see if I can commit myself, and get 'er done.

Wraith Pinned to the Mist (and other games)

Wish List

I want to write. I want to tell you fantastic stories that will break your heart and blow your mind. I want to write beautiful songs that make you think, and make you cry, make you furious, and maybe even make you want to put your dancing shoes on.

I want to be creative. I want to get these sewing projects finished, so I can do my own thing.

I want to go out dancing. I want to shake my booty, and lose myself in the music on the dance floor for a few hours. I want to sweat, and smile and do the running man, to make you laugh. I want to show the bar stars what the dance floor is all about.

I want a holiday. A holiday far, far away. A holiday to end all holidays. Full of misadventure, and exercise and new people and drinking and writing and dancing.

But for now, I'll just have to settle for a glass of stale beer, and some singing in my bedroom, followed by a short sleep in my uncomfortable bed, because I have to be back at work in a few short hours.

A Wicked Burn!

So, the V-Man, Smyrish and I are sitting in my backyard yesterday afternoon, talking the usual Sunday jibberish, drinking coffee and avoiding doing anything truly productive.

Smyrish mentions that he wouldn't mind being a female praying mantis, and we launch into a big discussion on the mating habits of the praying mantis, and such.

The V-Man then tells me that he's glad that I'm not a praying mantis, because he has enough trouble getting his shit together to take out the trash, and he wouldn't have the energy to haul out all the dead bodies I would no doubt have piling up.

We all laughed at my apparent sluttiness and continued on with our day.

Concert Tickets!

Yay! I picked up my tickets for Modest Mouse this afternoon! I'm so flippin' excited, I can't even get back to sleep, and I need to, cause I'm working midnight shifts this week. I missed them the last time they were in town, because I was traipsing through the Scottish Highlands, which yes, was more fun than a concert in southern Saskatchewan, but I'm glad they came back.



At the same time, I decided I better grab my ticket for Serena Ryder while I had the cash, who I also missed out on last time she was in town, because I was having a very high anxiety day, and I didn't want to go by myself.



And to top it all off, the lovely Saviabella gifted me with a ticket to The Weakerthans, for this upcoming weekend, which was incredibly nice of her to do.....now I just need to find someone to go with.



I heart live music.

* Oooh! Guess what? My arm, and some of my hair and a smidgeon of my hand is on a postage stamp! I know, silly me, the picture isn't of me, but hey, it makes me feel special.

Annoying Little Ray of Sunshine

It used to be, that when things weren't going all that shit-hot in my life, no matter what the situation, I would just want to curl up and die. I could never see the light at the end of the tunnel, or rather, I wouldn't let myself see that light. And then, one day,not too terribly long ago, it hit me. Half of the things that I was upset about, were things that I had done to myself. I was the one who spent all my money, and didn't pay my bills. I was the one that opened my big fat mouth, and stuck my foot in it. I was the one that was making so and so crazy. I was the one who chose to work at jobs that drove my blood pressure through the roof. I was the one who procrastinated at everything, and was always needing to rush around and get things done at the last minute. I accepted the fact that the world wasn't shitting on me, I was shitting on myself. I also accepted the fact, that I am a woman, who will always procrastinate, will always budget her money poorly, and will always say and do things so spontaneously that sometimes my mouth, my actions and my brain just can't get it together all at the same time, to stop me from doing something stupid. I also realized that maybe I was putting all of my energy into getting upset over silly little things, and things that I could control, because I didn't want to deal with the things in my life that really were shitty. There were serious issues, and serious emotional damage that I was just brushing off, instead of dealing with them.

Back in those days, reading a horoscope like this......

A wave of good luck is about to come your way. Difficult situations will get significantly easier, and things will all fall into place. Just in time.

....... would have made me guffaw, and then puke in my mouth a little bit, followed by a big cry over what a bloody fuckin' liar this horoscope writer was.

But now, I read something like that, and I just think, "Well, of course everything will work out!".

My motto has been, for a few years now, "Everything will work out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out, then it's not the end." But until recently, I never really believed it whole-heartedly myself.

Sometimes, things don't work out. People die. You lose your job. Relationships end. Hearts break. Bank accounts empty. And so on, and so on. Life can really suck though, if you only look at those things. All of the bad stuff that happens in our daily lives, is just a part of life. Just because something craptastic happens, doesn't mean that it will always keep you down. The bad stuff keeps us on our toes, and teaches us life lessons. Everything can't be all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Everything does happen for a reason I think, even if I may not know the reason right away.

It's this way of thinking, that has helped me keep my life much happier, and less poor poor pitiful me. Sure, I still have my days. I get stressed beyond belief. I cry over things that I should have been over a long, long time ago. I get pissy with people for no particular reason. I dread the season's changing. Sometimes, I just want to curl up and die. But the pity party isn't a way of life anymore. I can always see the good things in life, and I embrace them.

I may not be doing everything I want to do, I may not have all the money to even get by, nevermind do everything I want to do, either. I don't think I even know what I want to do, in this life. I have issues that I need to work out, for myself, in order to grow and heal. Most days, I'm still a confused little girl, just trying to fake my way through adult life.

But, I like myself. I like my job. I may not have everything I want, but I can have everything I need. I have a wonderful family who I love with all my heart. I have an amazing boyfriend, who makes every day feel like a wee little adventure. I have a bazillion friends who I can always count on to make me laugh, show me a good time, listen to me bitch, cry and whine, help me out in a pinch, and let me do the same for them.

I may not always remember this when things aren't all sunshine and rainbows, but when it comes right down to it, I heart my life.

I Think I'll Name Her Amelie.

Remember way back when, when Martha W was driving me frickin' nutty with her unintelligible writing on bathroom stall walls? Well, she's gone now. Someone scrubbed her off the wall. I have since become less insane, and my blood pressure doesn't begin to rise every time I need to pee at The Pub.

My favorite stall remained empty and boring for quite some time, but now, I have this little cutie patootie to look at while I do my business.

Why she was drawn there, I don't know. But, I do enjoy her happy little grin, and she makes me want to dance.

Oh, and please don't ask me why I take so many photos of bathroom graffiti, because I have no idea, other than it's just darn interesting to me.

Right on the Money Horoscope.

Abigail's Horoscope for October 6, 2007: It's going to be hard to get much work done today, thanks to a bunch of freaky interruptions that seem to come from out of nowhere. You'll end up doing fine in the long run, though it may be exasperating.

No shit. I work at a group home. Every time I sit down to do anything, especially if it's paper work, working with numbers and money, or at the computer, I'm guaranteed to have someone interrupt me. Usually, they do need assistance, but sometimes, they just want to throw their shirt at my head, ask me the same question they've asked me 45 times already, or steal my coffee and dump it down the sink.

So yes, this horoscope was right on target. I tried my darnedest today, but I am still weeks behind on my mountain of paperwork.

At least, The Cookster has offered to buy me a couple pints tonight, so I should be fine in the long run.

Apparently, my slow decent into alcoholism can't even be slowed down by an empty bank account.

Money, That's What We Want.

I hate being broke. What I hate more about being broke, is when I look at my bank statement to see why I am broke a week before payday, and realize that on top of having to pay my student loan, contributing to mutual funds and paying rent, if I didn't smoke, didn't have a car and didn't eat, I would actually have some money in my account. I was pleasantly surprised to see that beer didn't really factor in to this equation so far this month, because I hate to blame beer for anything.

Yes, cigarettes are a total waste of money. That's a given. I smack myself regularily for wasting money on killing myself, but I happen to enjoy killing myself, so we'll leave that one alone. For now. What really kills me, is that I am stressed out, and can't afford cigarettes, so I want to smoke even more than I normally do.

I love my car. It takes me here, there and everywhere, and in a pinch, I think I'll be able to live in it. I just don't love the bank that keeps taking double payments out of my account every two weeks. They, are the devil.

This month, I chose to not go to the grocery store for food, and instead go to the Farmer's Market twice a week for beetniks and veggies and live off the staples that I have in my cupboard. I am trying to eat at least three times a day, instead of once, or not at all, and I figured that buying fresh veggies and homemade Ukranian food would help me accomplish this goal. I've been doing OK, but sometimes, I'm lazy, and I go and eat out. Now I have a new goal, which is to not eat out, and just eat what is in the kitchen.

So, I guess other than the devil bank, the rest of this is all my fault. And that's a tough pill to swallow.

When I started this new job, I thought I'd be flush. But apparently, the more money I make, the more money I spend, and I still don't have the money for a winter coat, socks or garbage bags for the house. I need to get my shit together, and fast.

But until then, I'll just pray that my GST cheque shows up pronto, and I'll take some bottles in, and lay low, and come up with a plan to budget more appropriatly from now on, so I can have what I want, and purchase what I need, and hopefully even save some money to get the hell outta dodge for a bit this spring.

Extraordinary Machine

The Great Mo-Fo De-Lurk 2007

It is after midnight, so it is officially De-Lurking Day!




I must admit, I am a bit nervous about this whole day. What if my lurkers don't come out to play? Will they choose to stay in hiding, instead of just popping in to say hello? Sure, a couple of people have officially de-lurked, and that made me happy, but where is everyone else? Am I putting too much into this Great Mo-Fo De-Lurk, and is it worth putting my heart on the line?

Whatever happens, I just want to thank all who read me, from the bottom of my bloggin' heart. I know you're there from the hits, and I can see where you come from thanks to the StatCounter visitor map. I can even see which pages you have read. Wait a minute...maybe I am the one who is the lurker...or stalker....I seem to know way too much about you!

The greatest thing about De-Lurking Day, is the fact that I FINALLY get to meet the fabulous Madame Diva tonight, and she will get to meet oh, everyone I know, because The Pub is going to be action packed with hi-jinx and laughter, and maybe even tears, for an evening of celebrating the fact that we're all such wonderful friends.

Have a great day everyone.

* kisses and hugs*

Abigail Road