Sep 12, 2011
Late Night Thinking
I have shared this video clip from the movie "Up" a few times before. Maybe I've even posted it here on this blog before too, I can't remember. I come across it every once in awhile when I go through my blogs and Facebook links and whathaveyou, and every damn time, I'm crying two seconds after I click play.
My biggest fear in life, is waking up one day, sick and on the brink of death and knowing in my soul that I didn't do my very best to do and see all the things I wanted to do in life. The list of things I want to do and see before I kick the bucket gets longer every year. The more I live, the more I want to see and do. The list never ever gets shorter. So, I need to know that no matter what happens in life, I tried my best to have adventures, to have great friends, to learn and to teach, to do whatever it took to have a story to tell. A story that will surpass me, and my piddly little existence in this universe. With any luck, there will be many stories that will be told about me after I'm dead and gone, and those who are still around will be able to have a good chuckle at my expense once in awhile, if I don't do something to make them all hate me. Which I am capable of doing, I am sure.
The thing is though, that daily life is boring. It can be monotonous. On any given day, whether I'm in Europe, Cuba, Regina, or living in a 40 year old camper somewhere in the mountains, my days consist of generally the same things. Dishes. Cooking. Eye-Rolling. Dishes. Laugh with husband. Laundry. Dog walks. Swearing at dogs. Annoying husband. Watch dogs play. Dishes. That's just the way it is. You can't be having adventures all the time, and I am okay with that. But sometimes, I forget that I'm okay with that, and I get all down on myself, and I'm damn annoying when I'm down on myself, because there just isn't any reasoning with me. But then, I come across this video clip from a cute little movie, and everything rights itself again.
I remember that life isn't all about the big adventures and the big stories and the big dramatic horrible stuff, it's the little things that count too. It's my husband wanting to build a kitchen table, just so our great-grandchildren can brag that they now have the table that great grandpa built for great grandma. It's making perogies by myself in the kitchen as the dogs hump each others faces at my feet, and wondering if my grandma had to put up with that sort of thing while she made perogies. It's about family and friends and all the good and bad that comes along with having them around. It's about a puppy licking your tears away when you cry, and the incredibly bright moonlight that makes it bright enough for you to read outside, and the relief of finding that item you were looking for all over the house, and Tetris and having friends that will go ghost hunting with you and so many more little things that I could just go on for miles.
No wonder I don't ever get any sleep, what with all this thinking.
Sep 9, 2011
New Beginnings
On Sunday morning, my husband and I packed up the last of our belongings, and said our goodbyes to family members and we drove west. Originally we had planned on making some stops to visit friends and family, but with an appointment early Tuesday morning to get the keys to our new home coming fast, we just drove straight through to our destination, Vancouver Island. It was a whirlwind trip, that consisted of scattered conversation, little sleep and many Tim Hortons stops along the way. I think my body is still recovering from sitting and sleeping in the front seat of the truck for 36 hours. However, we made it safe and sound to our newest home in Sooke, British Columbia.
For those who aren't aware, my husband, myself and our two dogs had been living and travelling for the past year in our Scamper Camper. A few short weeks ago, I arrived home after working a graveyard shift to find my husband and our friend V-Man frantically moving all of our belongings out of the camper, and into the House of Pain because the damn thing had sprung many leaks overnight. Luckily, we had already planned to dismantle the trailer and use it to haul all of our belongings back to British Columbia, where we had decided many months ago that we wanted to permanently settle.
We arrived to Nanaimo late Monday night, and after driving to Victoria, and having many attempts to camp thwarted for various reasons, we parked on the side of the road and caught a few winks around 2am, woke up early, cleaned ourselves up in a McDonald's bathroom, met the Realtor and got our keys. We have been cleaning and running errands and visiting family and taking in the cool ocean air ever since, and it has been wonderful.
It is so good to be home.
Grace in Small Things #68
1. Drinking a fine ale out of a fine wine glass.
2. Zero gravity chairs.
3. A large fenced yard for the dogs to run in.
4. Checking out a new restaurant, in a new city with an old friend.
5. Hot days and cool nights.
6. Not having to haul water to do dishes.
7. Peace and quiet, if only for a while.
2. Zero gravity chairs.
3. A large fenced yard for the dogs to run in.
4. Checking out a new restaurant, in a new city with an old friend.
5. Hot days and cool nights.
6. Not having to haul water to do dishes.
7. Peace and quiet, if only for a while.
Aug 11, 2011
Honesty
To be honest, I've been thinking of just ending this blog for the past couple months. I haven't felt like writing, and when I do feel like writing, I don't know where to start. Being me, I always have a lot to say, but I don't know if I get that feeling of comfort that I once did when I told the Internet all of my secrets. I have always had a hard time talking to people about the truly hard times in my life, but writing, online and off, has helped me work through many issues, and it helps me to vent what I can't say verbally. I've done it my whole life, but now, for some reason, I just can't get that pen, or keyboard, to do what I want it to.
Six months ago, I wrote a long post about our struggle to make a baby, our ideas on how we would raise a baby if it ever came, and how grown up I felt that I was actually mentally ready to do the whole parenting thing. I deleted that post last week, having never actually taken the two seconds to post it here.
Fifteen weeks ago, I wrote a post, all full of sunshine and rainbows and unicorns, announcing to my blog readers that after almost three years of not using any contraceptive devices, we had finally fertilized an egg and there was a little hamster growing inside of me. I didn't post it. Maybe some part of me knew that I shouldn't spread the news just yet.
One month ago, I wanted to write all about our horrible experience of losing the baby that we had wanted so badly. I wanted to tell you the whole story, a story we have never actually told in its entirety to anyone yet. I wanted to tell you about all the blood and the surgery and the horrific doctors and wonderful nurses, and how I was afraid I was dying. I wanted to tell you about my guilt in losing the first grandchild, the first niece or nephew, and my fear that maybe my parts just don't work, and I'm not ever going to be able to give anyone that baby they want so badly. I wanted to tell you how much I hate when people say "That's okay, you can always try again!", as if we don't know that, and already know that babies don't come so easily to some of us. I wanted to write about what bullshit it is that a miscarriage should just be forgotten about, that you should just move on, and pretend like it never happened. I wanted to give everyone a good ol' talking too who didn't think that my husband was just as devastated as I was. I wanted to tell you how my D & C experience made me even more pro-choice than I was before. I wanted to express all of my pain and anger and sadness....but I didn't. I just bottled it up.
Today, as I drank a cold cup of coffee, that I was too lazy to warm up, I realized that I need to keep writing. If not here, then somewhere, because I am losing my mind, keeping everything in. I am lucky in life, that I have a husband who is open and honest and with whom I can talk to about anything. I am lucky that I have family and friends that have expressed their concern, and have offered ears and shoulders to listen and to lean on. But being me, I have a hard time taking people up on those offers. I find comfort in the solitude that comes with writing, whether it be for the Internet, or in a personal journal. I would rather talk to myself most days, than talk to other human beings. It's just how I've always been. A social butterfly on the outside, and a perfectly content loner on the inside. The two sides, they clash sometimes, but it works for me.
So, I've decided to stick around. But I'm warning you, it won't be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns around here for awhile, because I've got some shit to work out.
Six months ago, I wrote a long post about our struggle to make a baby, our ideas on how we would raise a baby if it ever came, and how grown up I felt that I was actually mentally ready to do the whole parenting thing. I deleted that post last week, having never actually taken the two seconds to post it here.
Fifteen weeks ago, I wrote a post, all full of sunshine and rainbows and unicorns, announcing to my blog readers that after almost three years of not using any contraceptive devices, we had finally fertilized an egg and there was a little hamster growing inside of me. I didn't post it. Maybe some part of me knew that I shouldn't spread the news just yet.
One month ago, I wanted to write all about our horrible experience of losing the baby that we had wanted so badly. I wanted to tell you the whole story, a story we have never actually told in its entirety to anyone yet. I wanted to tell you about all the blood and the surgery and the horrific doctors and wonderful nurses, and how I was afraid I was dying. I wanted to tell you about my guilt in losing the first grandchild, the first niece or nephew, and my fear that maybe my parts just don't work, and I'm not ever going to be able to give anyone that baby they want so badly. I wanted to tell you how much I hate when people say "That's okay, you can always try again!", as if we don't know that, and already know that babies don't come so easily to some of us. I wanted to write about what bullshit it is that a miscarriage should just be forgotten about, that you should just move on, and pretend like it never happened. I wanted to give everyone a good ol' talking too who didn't think that my husband was just as devastated as I was. I wanted to tell you how my D & C experience made me even more pro-choice than I was before. I wanted to express all of my pain and anger and sadness....but I didn't. I just bottled it up.
Today, as I drank a cold cup of coffee, that I was too lazy to warm up, I realized that I need to keep writing. If not here, then somewhere, because I am losing my mind, keeping everything in. I am lucky in life, that I have a husband who is open and honest and with whom I can talk to about anything. I am lucky that I have family and friends that have expressed their concern, and have offered ears and shoulders to listen and to lean on. But being me, I have a hard time taking people up on those offers. I find comfort in the solitude that comes with writing, whether it be for the Internet, or in a personal journal. I would rather talk to myself most days, than talk to other human beings. It's just how I've always been. A social butterfly on the outside, and a perfectly content loner on the inside. The two sides, they clash sometimes, but it works for me.
So, I've decided to stick around. But I'm warning you, it won't be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns around here for awhile, because I've got some shit to work out.
May 9, 2011
Grace in Small Things #67
1. Husband is working and will be bringing home the bacon soon.
2. I am working, and will be bringing home some bacon of my own.
3. Payment plans sorted out.
4. I got to go dancing on Saturday for the first time in months.
5. Knowing who your real friends are. :)
2. I am working, and will be bringing home some bacon of my own.
3. Payment plans sorted out.
4. I got to go dancing on Saturday for the first time in months.
5. Knowing who your real friends are. :)
May 6, 2011
Poor House.
I've been sitting here thinking, and I am pretty sure I have not been this destitute before ever in life. When you couple the fact that I literally have $2.00 to my name, and am living in a camper with no running water in a friends back yard, it sounds pretty effing pathetic.
It's not like we're starving to death or anything, flour and water can make all sorts of things. I can still make a big pot of soup with some of the cupboard remnants. The Internet and a telephone is nice, but not necessary in the grand scheme of things I guess. It is warm enough to walk everywhere, so it's okay that the truck is almost on empty, and the payment is going to bounce. Right? Think positive, and positive things will happen is what I tell people.
Really though, by the end of the month, we will both have a couple paychecks, and will be able to catch up on everything, and throw our landlords a few bucks if me and my handy dandy budget get our way.
It's just hard. We are both working so hard, we haven't even seen each other much since we got back to Regina, and while we're working so hard, things are going unpaid left and right. I hate getting behind like that. It's embarrassing, and stressful...and embarrassing. Bah!
At least I found my keys. That's one less expense I will need to worry about.
Update: Right after posting this, my brother showed up and gave me a donation so I could keep my phone and internet. He's the most superest person in the world. You should read his blog @ http://nerdcereal.blogspot.com
I also finally got a hold of someone at BMO that not only lived in Canada, and not India or Russia, but in Regina...she helped me sort out my truck stuff and gave me many words of encouragement in getting through this stressful time. She told me it will all be over soon, and by the end of the month, all will be well. She is also the most superest person in the world.
It's not like we're starving to death or anything, flour and water can make all sorts of things. I can still make a big pot of soup with some of the cupboard remnants. The Internet and a telephone is nice, but not necessary in the grand scheme of things I guess. It is warm enough to walk everywhere, so it's okay that the truck is almost on empty, and the payment is going to bounce. Right? Think positive, and positive things will happen is what I tell people.
Really though, by the end of the month, we will both have a couple paychecks, and will be able to catch up on everything, and throw our landlords a few bucks if me and my handy dandy budget get our way.
It's just hard. We are both working so hard, we haven't even seen each other much since we got back to Regina, and while we're working so hard, things are going unpaid left and right. I hate getting behind like that. It's embarrassing, and stressful...and embarrassing. Bah!
At least I found my keys. That's one less expense I will need to worry about.
Update: Right after posting this, my brother showed up and gave me a donation so I could keep my phone and internet. He's the most superest person in the world. You should read his blog @ http://nerdcereal.blogspot.com
I also finally got a hold of someone at BMO that not only lived in Canada, and not India or Russia, but in Regina...she helped me sort out my truck stuff and gave me many words of encouragement in getting through this stressful time. She told me it will all be over soon, and by the end of the month, all will be well. She is also the most superest person in the world.
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