Fuckin' A, Boys. Good Video!

Now, why is it that Sam keeps looking younger, and I keep looking older?

Daddy Dearest

I've been thinking about my dad quite a bit lately. More than usual, which is a lot, because he enters my thoughts every single day. Everyday, something catches my eye, or my ear, and makes me think of him. The last few weeks, it has been just more obvious to me.

I was watching "All in the Family" the other day, the episode where Gloria finds out that she is pregnant, and Meat Head freaks out and runs away. She's sitting there in the middle of the night, talking to Edith, when Archie comes down, and tells Edith to beat it. He makes Gloria get out of 'his chair', so he can sit and talk to her. (Soooo, like my dad.) He tells her the story of the day she was born, again, and in his own awkward way, makes her feel like everything will be okay. My dad used to call me on my birthday, every year, and tell me the story of the day I was born. I would roll my eyes, and sigh, and say " Not again!", but I would listen, and by the end of it, my eyes would be full of tears. We would tell each other "I love you", and he'd either hang up abruptly, or quickly pass the phone to my mom.

It hit me, that I don't get one of those moments. My dad will never see my kids, if I ever have any. He may not always have been the best dad, but I bet he would have been one hell of a grandpa.

After that, it seemed that my days became flooded with reminders.

I saw a documentary about the Galapagos Islands, and remembered the time he told me that when he was a little boy, he read about them, and ever since, he wanted to go there.

Listening to Smyrish talk about his dumpster finds, always reminds me of the crap that my dad would proudly bring home after a day of "shopping" at the dump.

Whenever I play Scrabble, I think about my mom and dad when they were young. My mom once told me the story of how they were playing Scrabble and drinking tea, and realized they were out of smokes. My dad had remembered dropping some under the house, and crawled down there to get them. It may sound strange, as I see that as quite romantic.

When I see GQ, his hot Italian girlfriend and her little guy together, I just wish that Dad could see how far GQ has come in the past couple years. He's no longer an Eeyore, he's a man, and a dad himself. He reminds me so much of Bob, in some good ways and some bad.

Every time I think of running away, which I do a lot this time of year, I remember the conversation we had before I left for Scotland. He told me, that I was the most like him, and I inherited some traits that he wished I hadn't, but he was happy that I inherited his fearlessness. He told me to never settle for " it'll do", and to always seek adventure in life, even if I knew I might fuck up.

The older I get, the more my memories of him change. All of the not-so-good memories are pushed to the back burner, and all the good moments become clearer. Which is just the way I want it to be.

Cleaning House, Emotionally.

People really don't change. Not all that much, anyways. Sure people grow, and mature, and change their ways when they need to, but really, you are who you are, and there's no getting around it. Or maybe that's just me.

During the process of moving this blog over, I read a good chunk of my entries from over the years, basically just to see what I had written. I haven't changed all that much in the past three years. I still have low self-esteem, I still want to lose 20 pounds, I'm still lonely, and I am single once again. I still hang out at The Pub, I still live at The House of Pain, I still drink too much, I still stay up way too late. I have the same type of job, I still want more adventure and am willing to get the fuck out of here in a flash to find it.

It was a tad depressing to see that I could write the exact same entry today, as I did in 2004 or 2005. I didn't like feeling so boring.

After the blog entries were moved over, I decided to go through my email, and empty out my inbox. I hardly ever delete anything, and I had emails in that inbox dating all the way back to 2004, and folders full of emails dating back to 1998.

In the emails, I found evidence that I wasn't all that boring. Sure, there were the usual back and forth arguments between friends and past lovers, trying to figure out some issue that must have been important at the time. There were emails from and to my mom and dad, that were basically filled with worry about my brother, recipes, and apologies from me for not making it home for a holiday or other family event. But amongst all the emails that proved to me once again that my life hasn't changed all that much, were some wonderful memories. Memories and stories and adventures written out in detail. It was like finding an old journal that I had forgotten about, and some of those memories, truly had slipped my mind.

There was an email from a friend who I have now lost contact with, telling me that I was crazy for running away to Vancouver without telling anyone.

There were letters from B-Rock, telling me about all his adventures on his first trip to Europe almost 10 years ago.

There were many "let's keep in touch" letters from Small Town friends and people whom I had met travelling, and I felt a twang of guilt, knowing that it was I who had not put any effort into the keeping in touch.

I found loads of emails I had sent while I was in Scotland and England and France, and they were written in such great detail, that anything that I was unsure of, or couldn't quite remember about those travels, all came back to me, and I just had to sit back and reminisce about those adventures for a few minutes.

There were some wonderful emails from friends and family sending me their condolences after my dad died.

I was reminded about how excited I was that my partner in crime and I had been accepted into our first Arts Festival.

After reading emails about my various trips to Montreal, I almost packed my bags and headed to the bus depot, so I could get right back there.

There was a heart-wrenching email from only last summer, telling someone I had met travelling that I wasn't sure about them coming to visit anymore, because a boy had just told me he loved me while were sitting on the swings.

The emails went on and on. Birthdays I had missed, concerts I had gone to, tales of boys who had screwed me over, friends announcing they were moving away, getting married, or coming to visit. Photos of babies who are not babies anymore and I haven't even met them yet. Pleas for me to come and visit so and so wherever they were at the time. Camping trip stories, family reunions, love letters, arguments long forgotten, they were all there.

After sifting through the mass of emails, I realized that although my life may not be as exciting as I would like it to be, I have had some great adventures, I have found great love, and I have met some of the most wonderful people on the planet in my 'boring' life here in The City, and beyond. And hey, life isn't over. There is still time to experience even more.

I need to see the good things in my predictable life, and embrace them. Something of interest happens to me everyday. It may not be big and grandiose, it may be good, or not so good, but my life is far from boring. Every single day, I laugh, I cry, I meet someone new, I live through something that just gives me another story to tell or another lesson to learn.

I think that because I have had some great adventures, and good fun, and some hard times, that when there isn't anything big going on, I feel that I am not doing enough with my life, and fall into a rut. I daydream about running away on a moments notice, and in the past, that's just what I would do. But, there are ways in which I have changed. I know that I can't travel like I used to. I want to be financially secure. I want to have some form of stability in my life. I want to plan and organize and make sure things are going to work out in the end, before I do anything too spontaneous. Maybe that's just a sign of growing up. Instead of daydreaming about things I can do with my life here in The City, I've learned to just go out and do them, and am learning to be more fearless in plain old everyday life.

So sure, I haven't changed all that much, I'm still me, I still do the same old things, but I have grown, and I have learned a few life lessons and I'm ready for more. Life ain't so bad, and only I can make it better.