Crazy Bitch

I have mental problems. This is a self-diagnosis, mind you, but I believe it to be true.

I don't know what's up with me lately. Nothing seems to make me uber-happy or excited, and when I am feeling "up", I am constantly wondering when I'm going to start feeling down. I am ruining genuine, happy and scrappy moments, because of this gigantic raincloud over my head.

Maybe it's the rainy weather, or maybe it's the fact that I haven't been spending loads of time drinking beer in the sunshine like I did previous years, but I just don't have that summer joy running through my veins, as I usually do this time of year.

I spend all my time at home, or at work. I have acquired an incredibly dull morning routine at home, and actually pray that I will get called in to work most mornings, just for something different.

I normally enjoy being alone, to a certain extent. I think the current problem is though, that I've run out of things to do to fill my time. Everybody else works during the day, so they're busy. I have had limited computer access, it's too rainy to go for walks, and I've run out of ideas and motivation when it comes to cleaning, decorating and organizing the apartment. In the end, I wake up, make coffee, watch "What Not to Wear", followed by "Law & Order", eat lunch, wash dishes, have a cry, and play with the bunny as much as possible before he gets sent away. Sometimes, I shower, but only on those special days. Usually those are the days when the phone rings, and it is actually for me. I live the rock and roll lifestyle, yes I do.

I feel "out of the loop", lonely and bored the majority of the time, and don't even really care to do much about it. Sure, I could leave the house, and search out some familiar faces, but it's raining, and I'm broke, and the last few times I have ventured out, it's been the same ol' gossip and conversations, and I just end up getting tanked and saying something rude, just to change the subject. Which in turn makes me feel foolish, and I decide that maybe I shouldn't be out in public anyways. The shitty thing is though, that no money + no pub = no friends. And that's sad on a couple different levels.

Listen to me whine. Sheesh. Slap me if you feel like it, I won't blame you.

Things aren't really that bad. They sure as hell have been worse. And I'm not alone, I have the best boyfriend this girl could ever ask for, who is actually putting up with this mood, and doing his best to make it all okay.

It's just a funk, I hope. I'm sure once the sun comes back, and the annual camping trip draws near, and I get to keep some of my hard-earned money for once, things will start looking up, and I'll start cheering up.

The Tax Man

Just once, I would like to get a big lump some of money back from the government. Just once.

I decided yesterday, that since I had all my forms, and some free time, I was going to sit down and do my taxes before I lost said forms in the abyss that is my bedroom. I file online, because I am really, really, bad at math, and it does all the adding and subtracting and multiplying of percentages for me. As I filled out each line, I could see my fate.

When I got to the end, I was getting a return of $15.95, the exact amount of money it would cost me to file it using UFile. I had a temper tantrum, and threw my T4's across the room. "Fuck them!", I yelled. "They can lick my arse." I decided they were not going to get any money from me, just so they could send me a cheque back in two months to cover that VISA expense.

I figured I might as well just fill it out on paper, and mail it, since at least that was free. Smyrish, the sweetheart that he is, went out and got me the tax package, and a bottle of wine to calm me down. I couldn't find a pen though, so I decided that I would re-do it all this morning.

Luckily, I checked my email before I went on the great pen search of 2008. Justin, over at the Nervous Axon, had given me a link to Studio Tax, and instructions on how to file online, for free. So I started all over again.

I realized that I had forgotten to claim the interest on my student loan, and my union dues from the Learning Centre. I was happy, I thought that would help. It didn't.

In the end, I owed 60 bucks. Not much, compared to other years. But dammit, it just doesn't seem fair. I pay extra every year, I work my arse off every damn day, and the government just doesn't seem to care. Friends of mine are uber-excited to get their taxes in, they will be getting thousands of dollars back, and have plans to buy furniture, go on vacations, etc. Makes me think I should go to University for the next ten years, and take some bullshit classes, like Greek Mythology or Women's Studies or Basket Weaving, just to get money back every spring. I'm jealous. I want to buy a new bed, or pay for my April vacation with Smyrish. But no, I'm going to have to use $60 that I don't have and give it to the government. Because they apparently don't have enough of my money yet. I probably wouldn't be as upset about this relatively small payment, if they hadn't already decided to cut funding to human services, or had given me a big fat raise this year.

All I wanted was enough money to buy my new eye glasses, and get them off of layaway.

So, fuck you Revenue Canada. Thanks for nothing.