Xmas Letters

Dear Maggie and Patches,

I love you both with all my heart, but you really need to pee on the training pads, not beside them. Also, I am looking into doggie rehab for your garbage addictions. I'll keep you posted.

Love, Mommy

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Dear Co-worker Who Regularly Does Not Show Up for Shifts,

Last night, I had my car warming up, my boots on, and was ready to leave, as I had already been at work for ten hours. When I looked at the clock, and it was 12:10am, I knew you weren't coming. The least you could have done, was phone, or at least answer your phone when I called you.

Oh, and you're gonna be fired, so fuck you. Then I won't have to deal with your shit anymore.

Yours Truly, Your Boss

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Dear Chick on her Cell Phone,

I hope next time you are texting and driving during rush hour, on icy streets, you crash into a light post. Sound harsh? Well, you almost crashed into me, and I'd rather I be alive than have you driving around yapping on your cell phone about the Jonas Brothers, or how so-an-so totally looked at your funny in class today.

Friends Forever, Abigail

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Dear Smyrish,

If it wasn't for you, I'd go mad. Thank you for being at home today and letting me interrupt your work with kisses.

Love always, Your Wife

Cough, Gag, Snort, Itch, Fart

Dear Immune System,

I don't know if you have realized this, but lately, you have really been slacking in the germ fighting department. You have always been so on top of things, and I respected you for that, even bragged about you, but the past few months, I have found that you just aren't up to snuff.

I have had countless colds, coughs, sinus problems, ear aches, stomach ailments, skin rashes, and just in general feel like shit, the majority of the time.

Is something wrong? Are you stressed? Am I surrounding you with too many germ-filled humans, to the point where you just don't know where to start? Is there something I can do to help? Sleep more? Take my vitamins? Quit wearing flip-flops after the sun goes down?

If so, please let me know. You can contact me at the couch, or on the toilet, or anywhere there are Kleenex tissues present.

Hoping for a quick reply,

Love, Abigail

Open Letter

Dear stupid Paranormal State show on A&E,

Maybe it's all the cold meds, the booze, or maybe it is because my bedroom door opened all on its own while I was into hour two of watching you in the dark, but I feel that I cannot watch you anymore if I am alone. I am now afraid of pianos and antiques, and fear that if I ever want to buy a home, I will have to bring in a paranormal research group to check it out before I go ahead and purchase it.

It's not that you were the first, Most Haunted and Dead Famous and many other shows scared the bejeesus outta me long ago, long before you were born.

Whoever thought, that after three hours of watching nerdy ghost hunters, I would ever consider having to leave the lights on when I go to bed. Not me, I tells ya.

Ah, who am I kidding? I am addicted to these shows, I'm sure I'll be forced to watch you again, and I will be alone. Maybe I should be blaming whoever opened my door, for the "oh-my-god-i'm-gonna-crap-my-bed" moment.

Keep up the good work, kids.

Love always,

Abigail

Open Letter to The Weather

Dear Heat Wave,

I love you. I love you way more than the cold snap that was the eight months of winter. But Jeebus Cracker, I need to fucking sleep. I cannot bear to be this sweaty anymore, when there isn't anyone in my bed making me this sweaty. Truthfully, the thought of having another human's body heat in my bed makes me sick.

Satisfied? You have not only made me sleep deprived, physically uncomfortable and smelly, you have driven all the horny out of me.

You have the devil in you.

Love,

Abigail

P.S. Don't go anywhere, just give me a damn air conditioner if you're going to stick around for all eternity.

Dear Molly....

Dear Molly Magoo,

It's a good thing you're cute as a button, otherwise, you'd be getting an eviction notice. Mommy needs to sleep, and does not appreciate you smacking at her eyeballs, and eating her toes, while she is away in DreamLand.

I think that it is time for you to learn to sleep through the night, and not only when Mommy is away at work. Maybe you could spend your days chasing butterflies and birds, so you were tired out come Mommy's bedtime.

Also, your incessant crying, is getting to be a bit over-dramatic. You are a cat. You have food and water and toys and love. You get to eat my hair everyday, and your friend Trance is always up for a good wrestle and a chase through the living room. Life ain't so bad, sweetheart.

Love you lots, but you're making me crazy,

Mommy Magoo

P.S. The bathroom is not a vortex that is going to take me off to another dimension, never to return. So just chillax a wee bit.