The Hot List

I've been thinking, and if I am to write in this diary regularily, and for some reason someone starts to read it regularily as well, it would make more sense if that person knew a bit about me. I happen to like lists, they're easy to write out, easy to read and easy to understand. Spin magazine put out an issue of lists a couple years ago, and even though I haven't been a fan of Spin since the early '90's, I kept it, and when I can't sleep, and want to read something mindless, i read that magazine. So here we go, 50 things about me that may or may not be important or interesting, in no particular order.

1. I smoke cigarettes like a freaking chimney. I started smoking regularily when I was 16, but I had tried it before that. Nobody made me do it, and I knew I wasn't cooler if I did, but I liked it. I don't like it so much anymore, but I have a fear that if I quit I'll have nothing to do while watching tv, driving, sitting at the computer, drinking coffee or beer, or talking on the phone. I've been asking around for years, and still nobody can tell me what non-smokers do in their "down time".

2. I have a horrible memory. I not only forget little things like what I did with my spare set of glasses when I moved, but there are important events in my life that I completly forget about until someone brings them up. I feel bad when I forget important or just plain memorable(for everyone else) kind of events, and when someone talks about them, and asks me, "remember that, we had so much fun!", I have to lie and say I do. I don't forget everything though, it's really random memory loss.

3. My dad died suddenly, of a heart attack, in our pool, when I was 25. I still have no idea how to deal with it, or talk about it to my mother and brothers. Even though our family talks alot, we still have trouble with talking about alot of things openly. I'm not sure why, we are really loving and open to everyone else in the world. My goal is to get us to open up to each other more, ask questions that need to be asked, and be truly honest. I know that's ridiculous, and may not be possible, but I like to think it is. My dad said "Rat's Ass!" alot, usually for no particular reason. I thought it was funny.

4. I find it funny that for the majority of my time on this earth, people in my life have thought I was a big bad ass mo-fo. I never really did anything bad, hardly a criminal, and I know a whole caboodle of people who are more bad ass than me. Maybe it's my big mouth that doesn't know when to close sometimes, or it also could be that i used to be super confident with myself.

5. According to some people, i was really popular in high school. I find that hard to believe as i don't speak to anyone from my hometown unless they are family, or i became friends with them after moving away from that hometown. I wish that i could tell every high school student in the world that it's almost over, and high school means nothing in later life, no matter if you thought it was the best, or the worst years of your life.

6. I don't think i will ever decide if my parents were too strict with me growing up, or not strict enough.

7. I have a very addictive personality. The last few months i have been addicted to scrabble online. I'm also addicted to coffee, and obviously cigarettes. i figure i should never gamble, because that would be worse than the scrabble.

8. I am really crafty, but have a horrible time finishing any of my projects. I come up with great ideas, spend money on supplies, start the darn thing, and then get bored or lazy...i'm not sure which.

9. I wish i knew some basic HTML, so i could make this site look spanktastic. Unfortunatly, if someone was to teach me, i just wouldn't get it. Plus i actually don't really know what HTML means.

10. My grandmother had a lake front cottage that we stayed at every summer. It was sold after she died, due to family fueds from what i can remember. I had a whole other life out there in the summer, from the rest of the year when i was in school. i loved leading a double life. some people are envious of all i had to experience every summer, and that i never really had to do any work. They should be, i had it good. But some of those people wouldn't have been able to handle the carefree lifestyle we led anyways...there wasn't a phone, color TV or hotwater. I loved washing my hair in the lake. Some people even shaved they're legs down on the dock. I could go on about life at the lake forever. But I won't.

11. I absolutley can't stand it when people smack they're lips when they eat or chew they're nails really loudly. I chew my nails so i shouldn't bitch, but i seriously can't be in a room with those noises. I won't talk to you until you are done doing the above. Oh, i will also freak out on the inside of i hear you scrape your teeth on your fork. I've done that my accident a few times, and just thinking about it gives me shivers up my spine.....i think chewing wool would give me the same feeling, however, i have never chewed on anything made of wool.

12. I consider everyone i hang out with semi-regularily a friend. Some people would say i should call most of them accquaintances, but i rather like thinking that i have a very small group of FABULOUS friends, but 100 PRETTY GOOD ones. If i call you "that guy/girl i know" you are not a friend.....just someone i know.

13. I've done a bit of travelling, and even though i had fun and learned new things every time, and have some stories to tell, i think my mom should take me to court and sue me for all the money i owe her. She could even tack on an emotional damages charge if she wants. I wouldn't argue it, i'd plead guilty in a second.

14. It bothers me how snarky i get with some of my closest friends and family. I love them dearly but say horrible things to them sometimes that they do not deserve. I don't do it all the time, but there is hardly ever a reason. I sometimes wonder if i suffer from a mild form of Tourette's.

15. I've been depressed at the same time of year since i was 14. Horribly, horribly depressed. I don't know why, but this year it didn't happen. Maybe it's because i just had the worst year of my life, so the depression was spread out a bit better. I like that i'm not laying in bed right now wishing i was dead. I just wish i was laying in bed right now sleeping, cause i have things to do tomorrow, and now i'm going to be really knackered.

16. Speaking of the bad year, it started out with me breaking my leg. I have a plate and a bunch of other hardware in there now. I have a fear of setting off metal detectors now, as well as walking on ice. I guess the latter phobia doesn't sound as stupid.

17. I also have a fear of staircases that you can see through to the ground. I won't go up them. When i was a kid i had recurring nightmares about stair-cases and being stuck on them. Stairs would be missing in between, or they would be moving. When i was in kindergarten i had a dream that 2 larger than life strawberries had surrounded me and wouldn't let me go down the stairs to the kitchen. I'll never forget that dream. Thinking of that dream makes me realize i'll never need electric kool-aid or any other drug to have weird thoughts in my head. To my knowledge, i have never had an accident on a staircase.

18. I used to be a stickler for grammar and correct spelling. I think it's great that technology let's us slack a bit in that department. If you disagree with me, read "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by Lynne Truss.

19. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer. I probably could have been, but didn't put much effort into it. I do occassionally write for a small paper that a friend of mine runs. I love seeing my name in print.

20. The last few years i have been contemplating getting into the funeral home business. I think i would like being the person who greets families and sets it all up. Dead people don't scare me. According to my brother , i have been to close to 20 funerals.

21. I believe in ghosts. I don't understand why they are here, maybe it's just their energy. The whole E=MC2 thing. I think my parents house is haunted, and a family i grew up with, they're dead aunt used to show up once in awhile. The most scared i've been was in Scotland on a 'City of the Dead' ghost tour. Maybe i just like to be scared.

22. I'm not religious, but i like to think i'm spiritual. I also think that Mother Nature has amazing power and we should be nice to her so she doesn't send a deadly storm our way when she's PMS'ing.

23. I love music. It can make me sad, and make me happy. I wish i had stuck to playing piano and flute when i became an adult, i probably could have been quite good. I still have those instruments, but i guess they are just decoration now. My mother's family is ridiculously talented.....i apparently didn't take after them, although some people say i have a good singing voice.

24. For the last few years i have been working with the mentally and physically challenged. Mostly autistic adults. I love my job. I hate when people call me a saint or an angel for doing what i do. I tell those people i like working with the handicapped because at least they have a reason for the things they do and the way they behave. I could never work in retail, i couldn't handle stupid questions all day from so-called normal people. I'd tell you more about my job, but it would probably be breach of confidentiality or something and i'd get fired.

25. I feel antsy and frustrated after doing the same thing, or living in the same place for more than 6 months. I wish my life had more adventure right now, but unfortunatly, for ther time being i just have to read books by Beat Generation writers and Ernest Hemingway and live vicariously through them.

26. Before I die, I want to spend a year in Africa.

27. I used to be skinny, now i'm not. Most days that really bugs me, especially when i think that since i never have enough money for groceries, i should be as thin as a rail.

28. I am horrible with money. I own nothing, but i never have anything in the bank. It's all my own fault, i need to grow the hell up.

29. I'm 99% sure that i shouldn't have kids. I have trouble dealing with my cat....she's very needy for a cat. Most cats don't care about anything except having food and a good ray of sunshine to sleep in. My cat needs 24 hour attention. I think i would get married though, if i ever found someone who i didn't get bored of quickly and rocked my world.

30. I love Brat Pack movies from the 80's. I have also watched 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High', 'Dazed and Confused', and 'Reality Bites' way too many times to mention, or even recall.

31. I don't have a lucky number or a favorite colour. I see no point.

32. I think being a mob wife probably has its perks.

33. Every year on my birthday i get shit-faced drunk and go dancing to 80's music. I think i'll have to stop doing that when i'm 30.

34. I used to be a plant killer. If it lived in my presence, it would die, or fall off the window sill. I'm getting better though, i have 4 plants right now, and they are doing great. My mother has an amazing green thumb, yet another talent i didn't aquire.

35. I don't like eating meat, but i'm not a vegetarian. I've tried to be, but i really do like pork chops and bacon. Pigs are yummy.

36. I can carry on a short converstion using quotes from 'Kids in the Hall'. It's funny when people get what i'm saying, because most people don't know who the Kids in the Hall are anymore. I guess the people that don't get it just think i'm retarded.

37. I have one tattoo, and if i could afford it, i'd get 10 more. I wish i could have piercings, but i'm allergic to metal.

38. I've seen alot of concerts, and i hate it when people ask which was my favorite one. I don't have one. Every Canadian group i've seen have been consistently good every time. The first concert i ever went to was Green Day, it was awesome, and was also the first time i saw a naked man. Billie-Joe took off his clothes for the encore.

39. I hate mainstream radio with a raging passion.

40. I've been skinny dipping three times in my life. It feels amazing, but i always was scared at what my parents would think, even though the 1st 2 times, i was with some female cousins of mine, so it was quite innocent and fun. Actually so was the 3rd time, minus the cousins. I don't think i'd do it again, i don't look as good naked as i used to.

41. My brothers amaze me. They are both very smart and talented. I hope they know that, but i don't think they do.

42. I don't like sweets or desserts. I do however get a chocolate craving once a year, but it passes quickly. I also eat cheesecake once a year, if i remember to.

43. I am a horrible morning person. I have done and said some horrible things before my morning coffee in my life time.

44. I've wondered from time to time if maybe i was a lesbian. I know i'm not, but sometimes it seems like it would be easier. And then i remember i don't even have that many female friends, because females drive me crazy, so why the hell would i want to date one?

45. I think mountains are over-rated.

46. I am really bad for not keeping in contact with people. I always want to, but it seems like if one of us says "keep in touch", i get scared of a long-distance friendship and dont' talk to them anymore. I'm trying to change that, because we all need good friends, no matter where they are. What if your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and that person you snubbed 10 years ago lives just down the road? You have to be able to call them for help. I still write to 2 pen pals i had in childhood occasionnally. I've met one, and the girl i haven't met, i write to more regularily.

47. If I had a time machine, I would probably go back in time to hang with the beat poets, and the whole crew that did the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. Those Rat Packer's would be fun to go for a few drinks with as well. I think i'd also go back and check out the Salem witch trials-era, i am positive they would think i was a witch. I'm not sure though if they'd make me jump off a cliff into a river to see if i could swim, or burn me at the stake.

48. If i could live my adult life any way I wanted, I would want to be a drunken, pill-popping, party animal socialite, with unlimited money. Kind of like Karen from 'Will and Grace'.

49. I wonder if the Columbia House Record and Tape club is still looking for me. I used an alias.

50. I have no idea what to write for this last slot on the list. It's a bit nerve-wracking thinking I have to go out with a bang.