Grace in Small Things #78

At this moment in time, my immediate family, and my husbands immediate family are all healthy. Nobody is in hospital, no one is hurt. All of us have food and shelter and clothing, and we all have each other.

A Post in Which I Ramble on About Boobs, Being an Adult and Baby-Making and Come up With no Anwsers to my Own Questions

I wake up every single morning, and touch my boobs.

It's not as sexy as it sounds.

I figured out after my first pregnancy that for me, the very first sign of being impregnated is that my boobs hurt when I touch them. I don't even have to take a pregnancy test now, I just know the second I wake up if it's a yes or a no. This would be great if getting pregnant were easy, and staying pregnant were possible because on the flip side, I know that a pregnancy is over, if I wake up and my boobs don't hurt. My breasts have become gypsy fortune tellers that don't always tell me what I want to hear.

So it's become a daily routine, without even thinking, I just do it. I wake up every morning and disappoint myself, and look ridiculous at the same time. If I happen to be pregnant, I walk around all day, covertly squishing my boobs to make sure they still hurt.

I miss the days when the first thought out of my brain didn't have anything to do with getting knocked up. I miss the mornings when I didn't reach for my phone to check if I am fertile, ovulating or whatever that day. That app is bullshit anyways, hasn't helped us yet, I should just frigging delete it.

I miss the days when having a baby was the furthest thing from my mind, and all I cared about was working hard and playing hard and laughing a lot. I miss the days when sex had nothing to do with procreation.

I wish I didn't feel like such a failure. I wish I knew why my body is different than everybody else's, if only to have answers to your questions.

I wish I didn't want to be like everybody else. I never have before. Not once. So why does it matter so much now? Is it because I hate not getting my way? Am I too competitive? Have I made baby-making into a competition I am in with every other female I know? I think I have, and that's just ridiculous. Competing in a game you cannot win, is just plain silly, especially when the other players don't know you're playing. Or maybe they do?

Will it really matter in the long run, if my husband and I don't procreate? Probably not. Our life is good. Our future plans are fabulous. We'll be happy, because we're together, and I have no proof that a child would make us any happier. Maybe it would, maybe not. Maybe it would ruin everything. You just never know, I guess. Although, if we get that acreage, it would be nice to have some help around the yard. Unless the kid turns out like me, it won't be any help with yard work anyways.

I think it will have more of an effect on others. I get the feeling that some people just don't know how to act around us, being "that infertile couple". They aren't sure if they should treat us like adults. We aren't really treated like adults by some people, I guess, because we don't have spit up on our shirts, and we get to go out whenever we want and do whatever we want. But we work, and we vote and we have opinions on politics and religion and books and music and places you should travel. We don't have any stories about babies peeing on us, or temper tantrums or diaper rash or things like that. If you want, I can tell you stories about some of the disabled adults who have thrown poop at me, or pissed all over my car or had a "temper tantrum" in public...but it isn't as cute, although it does help me relate to stories of your children.

Ugh. So many issues and annoyances are intertwined with this whole thing that really have nothing to do with the actual act of making a baby. I wish I had known, maybe then I would be able to cope a bit better with them when they come up. Or maybe I would have just gotten my lady bits taken out so I could avoid all of this altogether.

 I'll figure out how to cope, I always do. Sometimes I just have to vent about it all though, I guess.

Grace in Small Things #77

1. Polenta!

2. Still having leftover beer from Christmas in Kamsack. There was a time when this never would have happened. I am proud of myself for getting my drinking under control, and for being able to save some in the fridge for special days like today!

3. Getting my Facebook fan page photo albums in order. Finally. ( https://www.facebook.com/abigail.road)

4. Finding a free wooden futon on our afternoon walk. It's going to be turned into much needed shelves for books and/or plants! Yeehaw! Also, it was very light, so I was actually okay with carrying it.

5. Dogs that shake their bums when they're happy.

6. Bonfires in January!

7. Crossing things off the "to-do" list.

8. New calendars.

9. The FX channel.

10. Being able to play Scrabble with friends all over the country. Go, Internet!

Grace in Small Things #76

1. Our landlord finally came over to talk to us about the subdividing of our lot, and nothing will be happening for quite some time. No reason to worry about having to move just yet.

2. The landlord also gave us $100 in gift certificates for a local fancy shmancy tapas restaurant, so we went out for supper tonight.

3. Finding receipts you thought were lost.

4. Gardening in January. This afternoon we picked fresh kale, Swiss chard, and Brussels sprouts at the community plot.

New Year, New Life

As some of you already know, I have been out of work since October, due to a lay off. I was starting to burn out after 12 years of working with mentally and physically challenged adults and children, and although I truly do love the the work that I've done, and the people that I've supported over the years, the lay off couldn't have come at a better time. I would never have taken this time for myself, had I not been forced to.

Right away I started applying for jobs in my field though, because it's all that I know. I even had people from agencies I had never heard of call me and offer me positions with them. I was never worried about finding another job, I have always been confident in my skills and my knowledge. Then one day, as I was sitting in an interview, I realized that I didn't think I could do it anymore. I was done. I've had a rough year in my personal life, and then putting a high stress job on top of it just drained me. I am a firm believer of "you have to help yourself, before you can help anyone else", and for once, took my own advice.

With the support of my husband, I went on EI, and took some time to figure out what it was that I wanted to do. Other than a medical leave a few years ago, I have never been out of work. It was an adjustment, for sure. For years, I have been trying to get my Abigail Road (http://abigailroad.etsy.com) business off the ground, and I have some ideas for expanding it and making it something more. I just never had the time or the energy, due to full time shift work. I also am loving selling Epicure Selections (http://annasmandych.myepicure.com/) and I would like to put more into this business and make it my own. My husband has also offered to hire me as an assistant in the next few months, to help him around his home office. I thought I needed some skill upgrading to pull these ventures off though, and had hoped that I would be eligible to take a Small Business Course, or Self-Employment course through EI, or some other courses such as accounting or bookkeeping. All of these would benefit myself and my husband in our long-term goals. However, at every meeting with my EI caseworker, I was hitting a wall. She didn't understand what I wanted, and she didn't understand who I was. It's very frustrating, seeing as all of these courses are free to people who are on EI, having someone road block you at every turn. It's starting to look like I will not be able to take these courses without paying for them, so I've had to switch gears.

I'm jumping right in. Unskilled or not, I can't waste anymore time hoping some close-minded government employee will give me the green light to do what I want in life. I'm going to find the courses to take, and pay for them. Most are available at the Community School here in town. I'm working with my husband to get Epicure and Abigail Road advertising designed and printed and out to the public in various forms. I've been given the master bedroom and am working at turning it into a home office/studio for myself.

My husband and I have a goal of being as independent and self-sustaining as possible in our life.This is all part of the plan, it just came about in a different way than I had previously envisioned. Being able to work from home, make our own hours, not having to commute to the city, being able to share a vehicle, and help each other in our respective business ventures everyday...it's what will work for us in the long run.

So, wish me luck! It's going to be a busy, terrifying and exciting year, and I can't wait to get started!

Ermahgerd, I Hate Today

You know those days when you wake up early and all hopeful about your future and then some government employee bursts your bubble, poo-poo's all your business ideas and tries to make you into some boring office drone, nobody will listen to you at all and then there aren't any mushrooms in the fridge and you really wanted a mushroom and cheese omelette and then your Internet connection is a pile of shit and not only can you not watch Glee on Netflix, but you can't get photos to upload, and you're trying to post items on Etsy in the hopes that you can make some money, because your bank account is empty and you have to drive two provinces away to visit family and friends who choose to live in a barren frozen wasteland for some reason, but you realize you need a new camera and new light bulbs in your room because without them, your photos fucking suck anyways and there's nothing you can do about it until this business gets off the ground or you go back to working that job that you hate just for the regular paycheck, and then you make your husband mad because you say something not completely untrue but totally exaggerated just cause you're frustrated with life, after he tries to be nice and help you and then you cry into your supper, which really isn't all that good, because you feel like a total asshole and then you get menstrual cramps and somehow your thumb is incredibly sore and there's a weird vein sticking out of it but you have no idea why and there are smudges all over your glasses and you can't get them off, and you just want a fucking do-over on your whole stupid motherfucking day?

Yup, that would be today.