Smiling faces, brought some introspect and a smile to this gal

I had planned to get up early today, and enjoy a good five or six hours of coffee, Law and Order and Dawson's Cheesy Creek. At midnight yesterday, I forced myself to finish an online game of Scrabble and a cigarette, both of which, I had started moments before, when I returned home from work. I didn't think I would make it through the last 4 plays of the tiles, before I fell fast asleep on my keyboard. All of a sudden it was 4 am. I had watched 4 episodes of Sex and the City, that I rented from the library, had 2 more games of Scrabble, and tossed and turned so much, I think I may have thrown my back out, cause it's killing me today.

Well, I did get up early today, because I was called into work at 8am. It was a good day though, I made a lasagna, watched the Cosby Show, and did all my paper work while sitting on the deck in the sunshine. When I got home tonight, I felt energized, and had to force myself not to go out and have a few beers at the Pub....it's only 2 more sleeps til Friday, and if I save my money, I can do it up properly.

Anyways, back to last night. Somewhere between the 3rd episode of Sex and the City, and a game of Scrabble, I got stuck. I just stood in my room, in a sleepy haze, chugging from my water bottle and staring at all the photos on my wall. After scanning all the photos and thinking of which ones could be changed, I happened to notice how happy everyone in the photos were. I was surrounded by friends, friends babies, relatives and rockstars, all of whom were grinning at me like I had just given them their first bicycle. I cynically thought,"What the hell are they so happy about?", but abruptly and unconciously stopped my negative thinking in its tracks.

Almost immediatly, I started to remember all the instances and occasions that these people were photographed. Over- priced rock concerts, 25th wedding anniversaries, high school graduations, birthday parties, going-away parties, staff parties, a protest march against the war in Iraq, days in the park, and an accidental drunken afternoon. I couldn't help but recall how everyone, including myself, was bubbling over with joy, pride and silliness on these days, and we were all truly happy.

In our day to day lives, you must admit, we sometimes mull over how negative this friend is, how depressed that chick is, how fucked up the rest of them are. We dwell on the shit in our lives, and how it could all be better if...(insert your 'if' here).On too many occasions, we neglect to sit and recall from our memory all the good times we have had with these people and with ourselves...and why we are so happy and scrappy together. There's a reason all of these people on my wall are in my life, and there are 101 fantastic reasons why we are all smiling......and you can see why in the pictures.

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That Suge Knight psycho just likes to get in trouble. I find it ridiculous that we care, but if you care, read this.

I saw Bob MacDonald on the news this morning, and if you want to learn what I learned, about the health of the earth, you'll have to go to this page first.

Boo Hoo Curly Sue

Now I know this is probably ridiculous, but I am starting to think, that I am being avoided. For the past couple of months, I have noticed, that if I decide to stay home, and I do nothing but sit and stare at the wall, nobody phones me and I find out the next day, that they were all out and about, having a rockin' good time. So, the next time I have a day/ night off, I venture out in search of human beings and the good times they have been having. Luckily, there are only so many places they could be, so, I wander downtown. But, 9 times out of 10, there are no familiar faces to be found.

Today for instance. I know that some people are out of town for Easter celebrations, but I also know that there are a few souls left in the city. It was a beautiful day, so I headed out to slosh through the puddles in search of a friendly face. When I arrived at my destination, I was bewildered by the amount of strangers I had encountered . Thankfully, I'm not afraid to sit and have a pint by myself, so I did so...waiting for someone, anyone, I knew to come in. I should have brought my day planner with me and made some phone calls, but normally I don't have to, so it didn't occur to me before I left the house. When 2 hours later, I hadn't run into anyone yet, I decided to continue walking, and enjoy the calm evening before the temperature dropped. Also, I figured, I might as well go home, and drink a couple pots of coffee before going to work at midnight. On my way home, I found out that people were doing things tonight, just not with me.

I know what you're thinking, poor, poor Abigail. What a pity. Roll your eyes all you want, I'm in the mood for a pity party. It's just that days like today, when no adventure is to be found, I start to think of days like yesterday, when I could have went over to Dynomite's at 10pm. I was already in my PJ's, but hey, they wouldn't have cared. And I would have felt like I had done something this weekend, and not been feeling so shitty about having to go to work tonight. Because, I know, once I'm there at midnight, the town is going to light up, and once again I'll miss out. I pass up alot of outings, because I'm tired, grouchy, not interested, etc. and I guess maybe I should quit doing that.

Maybe this pitiful, childish thinking has deeper roots though. On the surface it may sound like "Oh, I have no friends, I have no life..blah blah blah", but I think I am really upset with the fact that I am not sure what I should be doing with my life. Work rules my life, according to some, and I don't even really like it. Not that I know what I want to do. I do know, that I can't do the group home work forever, and I really do want to have more time for myself, and to get out and be with my friends, or make new ones. Maybe I should just find myself a sugar daddy, and shop and coffee and party all the live long day. Nah.

I think I'm seriously going to have to start to think about a career that would interest me, where I want to live, who I want to spend my time with. And once I figure out even one of those, I think I'll have myself pointed in the right direction, and I can work towards what I need and want for myself.

Anyways.....guess I should go and get ready for work. Have a good Easter weekend y'all.

I wonder if Jian is upset that Moxy Fruvous didn't make the cut?

Since January, Jian Ghomeshi and his friends in the Canadian music business, have been compiling a list of the Top 50 Canadian songs of all time. I have been listening and voting and cursing Torontonians since it started. But, alas, today is the countdown to end all countdowns on DNTO, and I finally can sleep easy, knowing that the list has been compiled....even though there are still some entries that I feel don't deserve a spot on the list, and as well, there are some artists who were left off the list, that deserve some acknowledgement.

To see the complete list of Canadian songs chosen, go to CBC's 50 Tracks, if you want to know what the heck I'm blabbing about in this entry.

I must admit, I'm not too educated on popular music between 1900 and 1959. Although I have heard all of the tracks chosen for this time period, I don't know if there are any songs that were better suited. So, I can't complain about any of the panels choices. So,I will spend my time criticizing and congratulating the picks from 1960-2005.


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Critique #1 I guess my biggest complaint of all with this list, is the fact that certain artists/groups are on it more than once. I realize that the careers of people like Joni Mitchell, Gordon Lightfoot, The Tragically Hip, Blue Rodeo, Bruce Cockburn and Leonard Cohen (to name a few), have spanned decades, and it is extremely difficult to chose just one track from each of them to be on the list. But, I feel that because these duplicate entries are on the list, other essential Canadian artists, had to be left out of the voting pool.

Critique #2 Leonard Cohen. Although I love his poetry and books, I can't stand his singing, because, well he can't freaking sing. The fact that he had more than one song debated for this list, just makes me laugh. I apologize to all you Leonard Cohen fans, I know some of you, but I think you are giving Mr. Cohen a tad too much respect when it comes to the music biz. He should stay in the land of literary geniuses where he belongs.

Critique #3 The fact that artists like Anne Murray, Rush and Sarah McLachlan almost didn't make the list, is sickening. Whether you are fans of them or not, you have to admit, they are big players in the international music scene, and have proven themselves over the years. Thank god for the listeners getting a say in all this, and voting appropriatly.

Critique #4 The panelists. Now, I don't have a complaint with all the panelists that have participated over the past 3 months, but more often than not, I found myself sitting and listening to a group of high and mighty wankers from Toronto, who know nothing about what the rest of the country listens to, or has listened to over the years. Torontonians need a wake-up call from the rest of us.....they don't know a damn thing about us, and it's very upsetting to me.

Critique #5 The fact that artists like Ron Sexsmith, 54-40, Ashley MacIssac, Hayden, The Watchmen, The Odds, Shania Twain and about a hundred other artists that have made an impact in their genre of music, and on the people of our country weren't even debated or nominated, is something I can't even wrap my brain around.

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High-5 #1 The fact that so many people, young and old, from the east and west, had the opportunity to vote and sell their favorite songs every week. Democracy was at work, and in action.

High-5 #2 Goes to the panelists and listeners alike, who absolutely BLASTED contributer Liisa LaDouceur for saying that The Tragically Hip were nothing special, and were nothing more than "Hoser Rock". Well, Liisa, leave Toronto, and you will find a bunch of beer-guzzling hosers, listening to Das Hips. She also said that if The Hip and their Hoser Rock made it on to the list, then other Hoser Rockers like the Lowest of the Low, BTO and Trooper have to be on the list too......and she didn't say that in a complimentary way. She hates the hosers, and now all the hosers hate her. Karma.

High-5 #3 I was ecsatic, when I learned that "Home for a Rest", "Tom Sawyer", "The Safety Dance", "Echo Beach", "Disco Sucks", and "High School Confidential" all made it onto the top 50. Now I have proof that there are others out there who have the same 'eclectic' taste in music that I do.

High-5 #4 At first, I wasn't too sure about "Crabbucket" by K-OS making the list. Maybe because it is such a recent song, and has been over-played just like crazy. But after doing a little research on K-OS, I truly believe he deserves that spot on the list, even if it's just for being the political, goofy and talented person he is. I learned a bit more about the Canadian Hip-Hop scene, and that's where the High-5 is coming from.

High-5 #5 The countdown itself. What a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon, listening to great Canadian music and Jian.

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Well, it's a beautiful, sunny day, and I should get out of the house. I've got some errands to do, and I need some exercise and fresh air. I've cooped myself up for the last 2 days, and starting tonight at midnight, I have a long stretch of work coming up, I should probably get the heck out of here, and have some fun.

March came in like a lamb, and is going out like a hormonal byotch

First off, I must apologize to those who have asked me why I haven't been writing anything lately. Diaryland has been extremely busy lately, at the times I would normally post ( in the morning, or in the middle of the night), so when the servers busy, I can't do a damn thing. Also, I really haven't had much to say....actually, it's more like I'm following the old "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all" rule this week. That said.....here we go.....

This most recent snow squall we've lived through, as well as the dropping temperatures, has got me pining for the days of summer. Although this winter was much more mild than the last, I've had about enough. In the last year, we have had no spring at all, a very short summer , followed by 2 days of fall, and more winter. I am praying that we have a beautiful, sloppy spring, and a perfectly sunny, calm summer, to raise everyone's spirits a few notches on the spirit scale.

I have had enough of wearing socks and big heavy coats and picking out the right shoes to wear everyday. I want to throw on a pair of sandals, leave my jacket in the closet, and run out of the house on a moment's notice, all without having to check the Weather Channel for storm warnings.

I want to spend too much money, sitting on a patio talking and laughing and drinking with friends and strangers alike until the wee hours.

I want to use my umbrella I got for Christmas, while I run through the pouring rain, dodging puddles, and looking up in the sky for signs of sunshine and rainbows.

I can't wait to get that first sunburn of the year. That is always the day that I realize, it is without a doubt summer, and it will hurt to wear a bra for about a week. I haven't used the can of Solarcaine I made Cookeroo go by me one day after a day at the waterslides for 2 years. I know, I should be using sunscreen....blah blah blah.

That sunburn is always a nice base for a great upper body tan. Too bad my legs don't burn.

I need to experience more unforgettable nights, sitting outside drinking and talking to someone until we realize the sun is coming up......so we stop talking and watch it.

I am more excited about camping on the July long weekend than I was about St. Paddy's Day.

Some people hate the smell of campfire smoke on their clothes. I never wash my summer jackets, so they probably hate the smell of me.

I want to sit on the grass and watch a free concert. Then hit the beer tent and gawk at the performers getting drunk in the beer tent with the 'common folk'.

I am secretly wishing my mom doesn't sell the house, so I can wield an axe to chop wood and have a fire in her backyard. And go for a hike up the hill in the field with my cousins after we've had too many beers sitting around that fire.

I want to walk through the park with my group home gals, and make them stop to listen to the performers at the bandstand, whether they like it or not.

I want to mock Brent Butt, while sitting at the pub, 'cause I get the impression he thinks he's better than me. (ok, maybe that ones all in my head)

And finally, I want to rock and roll all night and party everyday for 2-3 months, and still get to work on time when need be.

PLEASE MOTHER NATURE, THROW ME A FRIGGIN' BONE HERE.

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Since I am still plagued by insomnia, I have added a photo album for y'all to click through. Enjoy.

Astrology and not much else

I spent my night shift trying to figure myself out, and came up with nothing. So I turned to the stars, and this is what they had to say about me. I know, this is a cop-out entry.

My horoscope for today really hit home though, which I must say is rare. It doesn't mention my non-existent corporate job, or my children at all, which is a refreshing change.

You may need your best compromising skills, dear Aquarius. It is the kind of day that increases the possibility of misunderstanding and conflict. Emotions will run high, and those around you may overreact before you can say, "That's not what I mean!" Work toward finding resolution today - more so than ever - and if you find your own emotions running high, drop the subject until another day. This can save you in more ways than one.

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About me:

Element: Air

Mode: Fixed

Ruler: Uranus

Color: Electric Blue, Violet, Gray-green

Famous Aquarians: Sir Francis Bacon, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Placido Domingo, Mia Farrow, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Galileo Galilei, Barbara Hershey, Abraham Lincoln, James Michener, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Paul Newman, Norman Rockwell, Jules Verne, Oprah Winfrey, Virginia Woolf

Strengths: Adventurous, curious, flexible, idealistic, humanitarian, independent, innovative, intuitive, loyal, original, resourceful, sociable, spontaneous

Weaknesses: Eccentric, inaccessible, inconsistent, intolerant, peculiar, quixotic, radical, rebellious, scattered, unpredictable, unrealistic

Aquarius, the eleventh of the zodiac, is considered the sign of perspective, the future, and new projects. The water bearer symbolizes intellectual development through communication and innovation. Of all signs, you are the most idealistic and humanitarian, with a strong sense of community and fraternity. Your ruler Uranus, the planet of change and revolution, represents originality and a strong drive for adventure and freedom. Uranus is also called the rebel planet, and its energy is radical, sudden, and unpredictable.

Aquarius is the third of the three air signs, which means that your intellectuality is expressed as an intuitive grasp of universal principles, along with a concern for the universal wellbeing of humanity.

Aquarius rules the eleventh house of the chart, Abigail, the sector associated with friends and groups, intellectual pleasures, socializing, and attitude toward society. However, it also describes personal hopes and wishes, as well as collective trends and humanitarian issues.

Yours is a fixed sign, which means that you resist manipulative behavior. You form your own opinion, however unusual it may be, and refuse to adapt. If someone dares to push, pull, or pressure you, they will definitely get to know your stubborn and eccentric side.

As an Aries Rising you face the world with intense energy and primal power, Abigail. You always look to go beyond your own limits and outdo yourself with every step. With each challenge, you learn more about yourself, and gain additional confidence to go even farther on your next adventure. Your incredible decisiveness enables you to act on your ideas the minute you form them. You don’t have time to waste! You are very competitive and have a strong urge to excel in whatever you do, and you continually prove your power through action.

The downside is that you can be quite impulsive and often make decisions too hastily for your own good. Once you’ve made a decision, it’s difficult for you to go back and reconsider, because you only know how to move in one direction in life, and that is straight ahead.

It’s no easy task to make someone like you back down. This irreversible strength you have inside allows you to thrive in some of the most powerful and influential positions in the business world, the ones in which the important decisions are made. If you have stopped climbing, it’s probably because you’ve already reached the top. It’s as simple as that!

Good Times, Apologies and Self- Prescribed Detox

Well, I have not been too good at updating lately, and then when I am ready to write today, my page is down. Ah well.

I am mostly enjoying my weekend of work (nights) and relaxation ( the other 16 hours of the day). I had a super duper St. Paddy's Day at the Pub. I ran into a whole shwack of people I hadn't seen in ages it seemed, and as the booze continues to leave my brain, more memories, faces,conversations and flirtations are coming back to me. I drank a ridiculous amount of beer, and attempted to eat some delectable Irish fare, but the waitress never brought my food. I was in much better spirits than Wednesday, when I went out and had some drinks with Cookeroo, and was feeling less than stellar about myself. I was fat, ugly, and boring. By about the 2nd pint on Thursday however, I was little miss social butterfly, and felt the world could do me no harm on such a day as St. Pat's, surrounded by friends, pipers and the ever present beer bringers. But unfortunatly, true to form, I went home in the wee hours, not feeling so healthy (ok, I was about to upchuck) and with the even worse feeling of guilt and contempt for my own big mouth.

I can honestly say, I don't really know exactly what hateful or immature comments came spewing from my mouth, but I said something, and well, I really made B-Rock upset, he said I ruined his night, and he went home. We haven't spoke since Thursday night, and I'm doubting that we'll be speaking again any time soon. What makes it worse for me though, is that I can't remember what I did, or what I had a problem with. I never forget things when I'm drinking. Once in awhile, I will be a bit blurry on something, but with a small reminder, it's right back in my memory bank. I never forget my actions, and rarely forget what I have said. So I obviously overdid it.

It seems to have been a week full of low self-esteem, arguements, break-ups and misunderstandings. Not just for me, but for the majority of people I have talked to. Maybe it's just a consequence of St. Paddy's Week alcoholism, or the weather, or has something to do with the moon. I'm not sure, but I hope that come Monday, everyone is happier, sober, and back on track.

Myself, I am happy to be at home, drinking coffee and taking a break from the madness that is the Pub. I have pledged to start fresh, and am thankful that there isn't any big celebrations coming up, so I will not feel obliged to leave my house, unless I really feel that I need to, for instance, if I go into a stir-crazy "gotta get out and talk to someone about nothing" frenzy. Which, knowing me, will only be a couple days from now.

I really don't know how the homebody's do it. I love being alone, in my room with a book or at my computer, and I can amuse myself for a few days at a time, but then I get the overwhelming urge to just run and find other human beings. But there are people out there, who stay at home night after night, only leaving the house for special occasions like Christmas or Granny's birthday. I think that I would lose my mind completely. Sometimes, phone conversations and emails just don't do the trick. Human interaction is one of the basic needs I have, it has been above food in my list of survival needs at times in my life.

Water, Shelter, Coffee and Cigarettes, Human Interaction, Food. I guess when I think about it, I have everything that I need, and I shouldn't complain. Now if only I could turn back time and prevent this oncoming guilt-induced ulcer, life would be perfect.