Me @ Unspoken Grief

I wrote about my fertility struggles and my journey to a possible childless life over at Unspoken Grief. It feels good to share.

http://unspokengrief.com/the-roller-coaster/

Grace in Small Things #80

I'm really struggling today. All I want to do is lay in bed, and just stay there for the weekend with my iPhone, my library books, and a bottle of booze, and possibly some pizza and Hawkins Cheezies. Unfortunately that just isn't going to happen, because I have things to do, and I learned long ago not to do what my depression tells me to, because it isn't always the best decision maker. That bitch is always getting me in trouble.

So, I'm racking my brain, trying to be positive. I know that it's not all bad. I know that it's just one thing that's bothering me. So here we go.

1. The sun is out. Even though there was frost on the ground this morning, the sun is out. Spring is coming.

2. My brain has been full of great ideas for new items to make and sell in my Etsy shop and beyond, and I'm excited to start something new!

3. I've learned some new Scrabble words this week. This should be number one actually, because damn, I love learning new words.

4. Tonight we are going out for supper to support a local business and the local food bank. It makes me happy to help.

5. 

6.

And That's That About That, I Guess.

There it is. Guess it's somewhat official, being there on that requisition form. No more wondering, now we know. Infertility it is. The previous pregnancies were "flukes", and "it's probably best they didn't make it".

Just to be sure, starting Friday my husband and I get to start weeks upon weeks of tests. Well, mostly I do, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy he had to go through some of this with me too. Genetic testing, a ridiculous amount of blood work to check for a ridiculous amount of things and then some lucky person gets to inspect my uterus and Fallopian tubes to end the party.

After all that, there is a 50% chance that we will know what is wrong. If we don't figure out if there is a cause, then there is a 40% chance that I will ever carry a baby to term. If they do figure out what's wrong, most likely it isn't going to be anything that they can fix. If I happen to ever get pregnant again, they will watch me very closely, and possibly give me progesterone as a precautionary measure, and baby aspirin if they find out I have a clotting disorder, but that's about it. If I continue to miscarry early and repeatedly like I am now, they said they would support me getting my lady bits removed, or my husband getting a vasectomy so we wouldn't have to go through it anymore. They agreed that my mental health was more important than anything, which I was thankful for. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

So basically, as it stands right now, we have a 50/50 chance of ever having kids, and 6 weeks from now, that number will either be the same, or it will go down to a 40% chance. It won't ever go up. Considering I just turned 34, I'm almost done trying. I know that it's very normal now to do it, but I have no interest in being in my 40's and just starting to  have babies.

I'm not sure how to end this, so, that's that, I guess. Here we go.

To Do List

1. Quit biting my nails already, for Christ's sakes. They are hideous and it's a disgusting life long habit that needs to be broken.

2. Quit getting fatter, and start getting skinnier.

3. Buy a bathing suit. The see-through one that hangs down to your ankles when it gets wet, just ain't going to cut it if you want to try accomplish #2 up there.

4. Take better care of my hair. It's finally long, let's keep it that way.

5. Quit pulling out my eyebrow hairs when I'm bored.

6. Eat a piece of fruit once in awhile.

7. Make new friends. Laugh with them.

8. Call old friends more often so they don't forget you exist.

9. Use the free pass to yoga that your friend gave you for goodness sakes. It's FREE.

10. All of the above.

Grace in Small Things #79

1. Cheese is on super sale at Shoppers Drug Mart. Totally stocked up. 

2. I am now selling clothing at a shop in town called La Petite Boutique. 

3. Thanks to the owner of the boutique, I will have some of my infinity dresses walking down a runway in a local fashion show next month. 

4. Did I mention the sale on cheese? ;) 

Everything's coming up Milhouse around here! 

Wish You Were Here

My dad would have been 60 years old today. I always miss him on his birthday, but this year it was much worse. It's possible that my grief was compounded by the realization yesterday that if things had gone differently, I'd have a one year old today, and either a 3 month old, or another on the way. Missing my father and my would-be children all at once was maybe just too much sadness to take in all in one day. I cried six times before noon. Big, full body cries. It was a horrible morning.

Even though we were close, and I was most definitely a daddy's girl, my dad and I didn't always have the greatest relationship. We screamed at each other. We said mean things. Sometimes I rolled my eyes so hard at him, that it actually hurt. He embarrassed the hell out of me on multiple occasions, and I'm sure I did the same to him.  But as time goes by, those things just don't matter anymore. I find myself thinking about the silly things, like all our "shopping trips" at the dump, our Sunday drives to look for cars for me that he never actually purchased even though he said he would, him forgetting his teeth at home and not realizing it until he was at work, going fishing and always catching more than him, the way he always made us late because he was still in his bathrobe having a smoke when we were supposed to be walking out the door. I remember how he always thanked my mom for the great meal she cooked for supper, even if it was him who did the cooking.

I remember calling him from a hostel in Halifax, the first time I had left home, crying because I was scared and didn't know where to go or what to do and it was Halloween and I was surrounded by strangers who were dressed as The Crow. I remember going to visit him at the campground office and the golf course, and feeling so special cause my dad was in charge. I remember him always loving listening to me practice the piano, unless the Nature of Things was on.  If he wasn't working, he'd call me every morning and wake me up, telling me what to do with my life. At the time it drove me crazy, but what I wouldn't do for that phone to ring again. I remember how welcoming he was to my German pen pal, and how he taught her all he could about Saskatchewan. I remember his special chili, and how it burned your asshole out, but was so delicious. I laugh when I think of all the times he would yell at us for changing the channel, even though he was snoring loudly on the couch and obviously not watching anything. According to him, he was just resting his eyes. I remember the Christmas morning when we got our Nintendo, and watching him play Super Mario Bros. with the boys, and being just as excited as they were. I remember the embarrassing argument we had right before I was going to Regina with friends to see a Green Day concert, and me having to tell him that a band singing a silly song about masturbation didn't make them bad people. I remember him telling me not to do drugs, because they would give me the shits.

I will never forget walking into the kitchen late one night when he was sitting there, a few months after his mother had died, and having him look up at me and say "I miss my mom". I watched him cry and tried to console him, but I didn't know how.  I will never forget all the wonderful things he always had to say about my mothers parents, and how much he admired them. I will always remember the smile he had on his face the day he told me I had a new baby brother. I remember laying on the couch, with my head on his big fat belly. I always loved how happy he was to have married in to such a musical family.

I will never forget him telling me about a month before he passed away that he wished he could do it all over again, and "do it right this time". That one sentence has changed how I now live my life. I know there are no do-overs, and there is never enough time to start over, you've got to get it as right as you can the first time around.


Most of all, I will never forget sharing our birthdays. I really truly do miss that. I miss the annual phone call, usually after he'd had a couple drinks, re-telling the story of the day of my birth. My birthday was the one day he always said "I love you", no matter what.

There are so many good memories, I really could go on all night. When it comes right down to it, the good, really does out-weigh the screaming and fighting. The embarrassing things, are now mostly pretty funny.  I wish we could have had more of these memories. I wish he could have met my husband, they would have gotten along so well. I wish he could meet my dogs, we always joked that the family dog was his favourite kid so I'm sure he would love Patches and Maggie. I wish he could see how much Nick matured, and what a wonderful man he is, and how he's always looking out for us.  He would be so proud of Danny for finishing university, and living life to the fullest. He would see that even though he made mistakes, we all turned out alright.

So, happy birthday, Dad. Wish you were here.

Me and my Pa, January 25th, 1979.