Grace in Small Things #80

I'm really struggling today. All I want to do is lay in bed, and just stay there for the weekend with my iPhone, my library books, and a bottle of booze, and possibly some pizza and Hawkins Cheezies. Unfortunately that just isn't going to happen, because I have things to do, and I learned long ago not to do what my depression tells me to, because it isn't always the best decision maker. That bitch is always getting me in trouble.

So, I'm racking my brain, trying to be positive. I know that it's not all bad. I know that it's just one thing that's bothering me. So here we go.

1. The sun is out. Even though there was frost on the ground this morning, the sun is out. Spring is coming.

2. My brain has been full of great ideas for new items to make and sell in my Etsy shop and beyond, and I'm excited to start something new!

3. I've learned some new Scrabble words this week. This should be number one actually, because damn, I love learning new words.

4. Tonight we are going out for supper to support a local business and the local food bank. It makes me happy to help.

5. 

6.

And That's That About That, I Guess.

There it is. Guess it's somewhat official, being there on that requisition form. No more wondering, now we know. Infertility it is. The previous pregnancies were "flukes", and "it's probably best they didn't make it".

Just to be sure, starting Friday my husband and I get to start weeks upon weeks of tests. Well, mostly I do, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy he had to go through some of this with me too. Genetic testing, a ridiculous amount of blood work to check for a ridiculous amount of things and then some lucky person gets to inspect my uterus and Fallopian tubes to end the party.

After all that, there is a 50% chance that we will know what is wrong. If we don't figure out if there is a cause, then there is a 40% chance that I will ever carry a baby to term. If they do figure out what's wrong, most likely it isn't going to be anything that they can fix. If I happen to ever get pregnant again, they will watch me very closely, and possibly give me progesterone as a precautionary measure, and baby aspirin if they find out I have a clotting disorder, but that's about it. If I continue to miscarry early and repeatedly like I am now, they said they would support me getting my lady bits removed, or my husband getting a vasectomy so we wouldn't have to go through it anymore. They agreed that my mental health was more important than anything, which I was thankful for. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

So basically, as it stands right now, we have a 50/50 chance of ever having kids, and 6 weeks from now, that number will either be the same, or it will go down to a 40% chance. It won't ever go up. Considering I just turned 34, I'm almost done trying. I know that it's very normal now to do it, but I have no interest in being in my 40's and just starting to  have babies.

I'm not sure how to end this, so, that's that, I guess. Here we go.