A Hazy Shade of Winter

Please be advised that everything is A-Ok, and will be even OK-er, once I finish work at 10pm on Friday night, and start drinking and shmoozing and feeling overall fantastic!! (after which I will drag my boyfriend home to bed with me.) Cheers!

I am so very tired.

Tired from irregular sleep.

Tired from work.

Tired of this feeling that I am doing nothing productive in the spare time I do have.

Tired of this fucking snow and wind that just isn't showing any signs of leaving us.

Tired of watching fuzzy CBC and listening to fuzzy radio.

Tired of feeling fat, lazy and horny all at the same time.

Tired of doing the dishes.

Tired of chewing my nails down to nubs.

Tired of sitting here, wanting to leave the house, socialize, run errands, and knowing full well that I just won't do any of those things, even though there is no reason whatsoever why I can't.

Tired of this god damn writers block.

Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the wine. Most likely the wine, because after a couple of glasses, I decided to continue this wee rant of mine, just to get it all out of my system.

I am tired of worrying.

I am sick and tired of being bored.

I am tired of all the wondering.

I am tired of my split ends and wrinkles.

I am tired of Christmas carols, already.

I am sick and tired of being afraid of the ice.

I am tired of feeling trapped in this small room, but at the same time not wanting to leave.

I am tired of knowing everything's OK, but still feeling like it is not.

I am tired of whining. I am going to bed.

Good night.

At Least I Was Finished Work By 3:00.

How to properly chillax after a day of listening to yelling and screaming, being pushed around and cleaning snot, drool and mushy Cheezies off the back seat of your car:

1. Giggle to yourself when you notice that someone is dealing with something worse than you were dealing with all day.

2. Get in your car, light a cigarette, take a swig of the cold coffee that you left on the front seat at 9:00am, and crank up some old punk. Let the co-workers that you've never bothered to introduce yourself to stare as you zip out of the parking lot, spitting frozen gravel about behind you.

3. Stop at the liquor store, purchase a 6 pack of Stella Artois. Don't cringe at the price, just do it.

4. Walk into house, say hi to cats, retreat to bedroom, light candles, turn on TV.

5. Open Stella. Luckily, you have a Stella Artois bottle opener* in your purse, and you don't have to go get one from the kitchen.

6. Take off socks. And pants.

7. Sit at computer. Read blogs. Check email.

8. Open another Stella.

9. Stare out the window blankly.

10. Hop into bed with remote control in hand. Decide to stay there until you come up with something better to do. Like leave the house, or pleasure yourself. Or sleep. Doesn't matter really, you've had a rough day. Just go with the flow.


* I don't normally carry a bottle opener around in my purse. It came into my possession at Pub Trivia last Sunday, and I have yet to put it somewhere more appropriate.

A Warm Cup O' List on a Cold Blustery Day

1. Yup, it's winter alright. The roads are icy, the snow is blowing, and everyone is walking in baby steps down the sidewalk.

2. At approximately 11:45 am today, in the Walmart parking lot, I seriously considered abandoning my autistic participant with the shopping cart guy, kidnapping Mr. Head from work, and heading to somewhere warm; where the small amount of money I have in my bank account, would make me appear quite wealthy.

3. I spent $70.00 on clothes and a new backpack today. I needed both. What I went shopping for however, was a pair of winter boots and a bathing suit for work. Of course, I purchased neither. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a cheap bathing suit in November? Guess I'll have to wait until January, when the summer clothes hit the shelves.

4. The rest of my prescription is ready and waiting at Shopper's Drug Mart. Whew, was worried I might have to abstain next week.

5. I desperately want to grow fresh herbs in pots in my kitchen. I'm guessing I should have desperately wanted to do this in the freaking summer time, when they would be more readily available, and/or I could have asked my mommy for the plants themselves.

6. Craving of the day: My bedroom is filled with the wonderful aroma of egg nog scented candles. If I didn't have to go back into work tonight, I'd be having myself a rum and eggnog about now. Yummy.

7. Song of the Day: The New Pornographers version of "You're Daddy Don't Know", or whatever it's called. I realized during rush hour traffic this morning, that I can hit the high notes if I really belt it out. Yay me!

8. I bought 2 pairs of comfy yoga pants in the past week. They'll be great for work, and home. However, if any of you notice that I start to wear them all day, everyday, please take me aside, and reprimand me, and hand me a pair of jeans. The fact that they are so comfy, makes me worry that I am turning into my dad (King of the Sweat Pants) more and more every day.

9. Thank you, Film Star, for reminding me that Xmas is coming. I am going to try my darndest to do even a smidgeon of shopping before Xmas Eve this year. I'd say I'll get it all done, but I don't want to set myself up for failure.

10. There are some old friends, that should just remain in your distant memories. If I haven't contacted you in 10 years, and when you try to contact me, I ignore you, it most likely means, I don't give a shit what you're up to. Right?

11. This afternoon, I was reminded how frustrating it was to be twenty-three.

12. Tentative Plan for Saturday: To finally get crackin' on my "Makit and Bakit Bowls" kit I bought two months ago at Toys R' Us.

13. Countdown! In four and a half hours, I will be finished my work for the day, and I am going to rush over to a certain someone's apartment, and hide from this blustery cold that I am not ready to deal with.

Solitude, on a Saturday Afternoon

I don't have to work today. I am not hungover. The sun is shining. Sounds like as good a day as any to get out and do something productive, or fun even. So, why do I just want to stay here in my bedroom all day, in my mis-matched pajama-type outfit, and stare blankly out the window?

Because I'm exhausted, that's why. Too much work, too much wine, too much song, not enough sleep, the past couple of weeks. These activities, are killing me. I'm burning out. Thus, I will spend today doing nothing*,socializing with no one, (until later this evening of course, shit, it is Saturday). I will regret this 'doing nothing' later in the day though, when I realize that I have neglected to do mundane chores and errands that should have been taken care of, as this truly is the only day I have to do them. That's just the way I am.

The truth is though, there are more days to do the mundane chores, and as far as I'm concerned, at the moment, they should just wait until Spring. Even though Winter hasn't even hit us full force yet, my annual "Blah's" started to creep up on me a couple weeks ago, and with such a hectic work and social schedule, I've been having a hard time fighting them off. So maybe, just maybe, a Saturday afternoon spent cooped up in my room is what I need to re-energize. It's a step anyways.

I've started back on my St. John's Wort, and have been trying desperatly to remember to take my vitamins every morning. I keep reminding myself that I truly am happier right now than I have been in fucking ages, and most of these blah's are caused by lack of sunlight, and the need to wear bulky clothes and scrape ice from my windshield every morning. Small annoyances, that become larger throughout a busy, stressful day. Tiny nuisances that can easily set me on a path of negative thinking.

I am finding that this year, so far anyways, really is different. Yep, I feel like crawling into bed and never getting out. Sure, I want to throw the phone and/or alarm clock through the wall occasionally. Uh huh, I can't stop chewing my nails or pulling out my eyebrows. As per usual, I'm feeling uber-sensitive and insecure about everything under the sun, and think that it might be better if I just went away until these feelings passed. But the depressing, 'poor, poor pitiful me' feelings are not as strong as they once were. I'm guessing it's because the good is starting to out-weigh the bad, and I have come to understand, and even appreciate, some of 'the bad', for what it is, and how it shapes me and those around me. And I am even starting to appreciate all of 'the good', instead of poo-poohing it, and thinking that 'it's just going to go away anyways', so I shouldn't pay it much attention. I'm enjoying it. It's nice to be happy. And I deserve it.

On that positive note, I'm going to stop here,(who knows, the positive attitude could change in a second) and go and enjoy the rest of my do-nothing day, with a cigarette in the sun, some nacho's and maybe even a short nap.In that order.

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* doing nothing: includes laundry, washing dishes, driving people places, playing with the cats, having a quick game of poker, having an itchy, but somehow relaxing, bath and watching Season 2 of Dawson's Creek** on DVD.

** Judge me if you like, but I find that at times, watching cheesy DVD's from the library, in this case,Dawson's Creek, is a nice distraction from real life. This week, the problems of the kids of Capeside, have been a nice distraction from my own.